Auntie Doris’s That’s Swearing #9 Chuff

imageChuff is a lovely English swearword that came from the days of the industrial revolution, the wonderful gift that Northern England gave the world! And a fat lot of good it did us, for all the gratitude we get. But that’s another story.

Back in the days of the industrial Revolution, George Stevenson and his son Robert Louis, with the assistance of Isambard Kingdom Brunel (the man with the fanciest name in Victorian England) were busy building Steam engines and developing paddlesteamers, railway lines, railway trains and loads of other huge steam driven mechanisms

This work was carried on well into the twentieth century by the Reverend Wilbert Vere Awdrey, who developed steam locomotives with humanoid faces and personality traits, with names like Thomas, Gordon and Edward. Of course, these hybrid man/machine creatures were abominations. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief when they were all destroyed by the nuclear bombardment of the island of Sodor in the 1960s, before they could enslave humanity and took over the world.
Any road, the thing is, you can’t have steam engines without chuffing. The chuff chuff of Thomas the Tank Engine and other steam driven devices was caused by pressurised steam being forced through the funnel on top in a rhythmic manner whilst the pistons that power the wheels twizzled around, or whatever they ruddy did. I never really understood it myself. All I know is it went chuff a lot.
In time the word “chuff” came to refer to any tube or tunnel that something could be forced into. Men being the filthy minded so and so’s that they are, they soon forgot about trains and funnels and steam engines and started thinking about the kinds of tunnels, tubes and orifices in the human body which things might be forced through in a rhythmic manner. Therfore “Chuff” came to mean “bottom” with no real distinction between a lady’s front bottom, or the back bottom of either a lady or a gentleman.
The gentlest way that this word is used is to say that someone is “chuffed” when they are very happy. It means that they are look as though they have recently enjoyed having some rhythmic attention paid to their chuff. (Consentually, of course) Apparently this causes pleasure even around the back, due to the presence of a little walnut placed far up the rear chuff by the serpent in the Garden of Eden.
But “chuff” is a far more versatile word than just a replacement for “pleasure,” “arse” or “front bottom.” It can be used to describe an unpleasant or ridiculous person; “wicked chuff,” “stupid chuff” and in the form “Chuffing” it can be used as an alternative for words like “ruddy”, “flaming” and “sodding,” The only limits to this wonderful word are your chuffing imagination”
Some situations where you might use “chuff”
(i) In the cinema: “That Fatty Arbuckle is a ruddy pompous chuff in this one.”
(ii) In the cinema: “If Charlie Chaplin kicks him up the chuff one more time, I swear I am going to wet myself
(iii) In the cinema: “Gordon Bennett! I’ve wet my chuffing self”

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