Auntie Doris’s That’s Swearing #9 Chuff

imageChuff is a lovely English swearword that came from the days of the industrial revolution, the wonderful gift that Northern England gave the world! And a fat lot of good it did us, for all the gratitude we get. But that’s another story.

Back in the days of the industrial Revolution, George Stevenson and his son Robert Louis, with the assistance of Isambard Kingdom Brunel (the man with the fanciest name in Victorian England) were busy building Steam engines and developing paddlesteamers, railway lines, railway trains and loads of other huge steam driven mechanisms

This work was carried on well into the twentieth century by the Reverend Wilbert Vere Awdrey, who developed steam locomotives with humanoid faces and personality traits, with names like Thomas, Gordon and Edward. Of course, these hybrid man/machine creatures were abominations. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief when they were all destroyed by the nuclear bombardment of the island of Sodor in the 1960s, before they could enslave humanity and took over the world.
Any road, the thing is, you can’t have steam engines without chuffing. The chuff chuff of Thomas the Tank Engine and other steam driven devices was caused by pressurised steam being forced through the funnel on top in a rhythmic manner whilst the pistons that power the wheels twizzled around, or whatever they ruddy did. I never really understood it myself. All I know is it went chuff a lot.
In time the word “chuff” came to refer to any tube or tunnel that something could be forced into. Men being the filthy minded so and so’s that they are, they soon forgot about trains and funnels and steam engines and started thinking about the kinds of tunnels, tubes and orifices in the human body which things might be forced through in a rhythmic manner. Therfore “Chuff” came to mean “bottom” with no real distinction between a lady’s front bottom, or the back bottom of either a lady or a gentleman.
The gentlest way that this word is used is to say that someone is “chuffed” when they are very happy. It means that they are look as though they have recently enjoyed having some rhythmic attention paid to their chuff. (Consentually, of course) Apparently this causes pleasure even around the back, due to the presence of a little walnut placed far up the rear chuff by the serpent in the Garden of Eden.
But “chuff” is a far more versatile word than just a replacement for “pleasure,” “arse” or “front bottom.” It can be used to describe an unpleasant or ridiculous person; “wicked chuff,” “stupid chuff” and in the form “Chuffing” it can be used as an alternative for words like “ruddy”, “flaming” and “sodding,” The only limits to this wonderful word are your chuffing imagination”
Some situations where you might use “chuff”
(i) In the cinema: “That Fatty Arbuckle is a ruddy pompous chuff in this one.”
(ii) In the cinema: “If Charlie Chaplin kicks him up the chuff one more time, I swear I am going to wet myself
(iii) In the cinema: “Gordon Bennett! I’ve wet my chuffing self”

Auntie Doris’s “Thats Swearing” #6 Bugger and Sod

imageAww, what could be sweeter, than having a little kiddie on your knee. One that’s just learned how to giggle, and that giggle is infectious. When you can make a trumping sound by placing your lips against its chubby little face and blowing, and that makes it giggle all the more. Maybe you are the proud grandparent, or great aunt, and the parents are there watching, wreathed in smiles at your delight, and your interaction with the kiddie. I’ve been there. most of us have. But how do people of my generation address the little bundle of joy?
“Who’s a cheeky little bugger then? Who’s a little bugger? Come here Buggerlugs!”
Which is quite shocking when you think about it, particularly seeing as how “bugger” is the technical term for a man placing his John Stuart Mill into the back passage of another person, either within the context of a loving relationship between consenting adults or not. And “Buggerlugs” would be the ears or any other protuberant pieces of flesh which the man would use to hold the other person steady whilst he performed the act. I have said it before, and I will say it again. There are some filthy so and sos knocking about.
How on earth did reference to that become an acceptable term of endearment for a ruddy toddler. Amazingly, it was long before the idea of a disc jockey was ever though up, long before there were any discs to jockey. Probably even long before the white man ever clapped eyes on his first didgeridoo. The phrase was probably first coined in Ancient Greece. They were all up to no ruddy good in those days, Plato, Socrates, Aristotle, the ruddy lot. Ruddy clever at philosophy, but not an ounce of common sense between the ruddy lot of them. Using their clever ruddy long words to make up excuses for all kinds of wicked carryings on. Ruddy Socrates going on about giving Asclepius some cock, even with his dying breath. No wonder the Greek civilisation didn’t survive. I wouldn’t have trusted any of that lot any further than I could have thrown them. And I would have gladly thrown most of them off a steep cliff. They might have thought that they could do philosophy, but none of them was a patch on Wittgenstein.
Any road, bugger means the same as “sod” which comes from the bible, where the wicked people lived in Sodom and Gomorrah. I don’t know why Gomorrah never caught on as a swearword, unless the Irish took it on and turned it into Begorrah.
When My Raymond’s mother was particularly cross, she used to say “Sod my Rags” which sounded particularly crude to me. Io this day, I still can’t imagine what it meant, and neither can she, probably. I would steer clear of strong swearing like that if I were you. It could only lead to trouble if a policeman heard you. Or a vicar.
Situations where “bugger” or “sod” might come in handy.
(i) When you are carrying a paper bag full of cooked meat pies back from the butchers, and some of the gravy seeps out and soils into the bottom of the bag causing it to tear through so that the pies fall out and splatter on the floor, causing hot gravy to splash up and ruin your tights. “Bugger”
(ii) When a gentleman who has seen what happened comes out and offers to clean you up with a damp cloth, but the higher he gets up your leg, the less it seems to be damp cloth and the more it seems to be sweaty fingers “Sod off, you filthy bugger”
(iii) when you get home and realise that in addition to attempting to cop a feel, the sly so and so has managed to lift your ruddy purse. “Sodding Nora, the cheeky ruddy Bugger!”