As everyone knows, knackers and bollocks are rude words for the male gonads, which nestle comfortably in a little bag known as the Knackersack (from the Japanese Nagasaki – ball bag) just underneath his Jeremy Bentham.
There is a lot of cobblers spoken about the male gonads, and quite a lot of it has been spoken by my Raymond, who came back from the pub one Sunday afternoon with a fascinating piece of nonsense.
“Did you know, Doris,” he said, with his seriously clever face on, “That each of the male testicles is made up of one long thin tube, which looks like a piece of spaghetti, but rolled into a ball shape?
“You know if you break open a golf ball?” he went on, I didn’t know anything about what would happen if I broke open a golf ball, but I didn’t interrupt him, I knew that I would get to the end of the story easier that way. “If you break open a golf ball and look inside, it is composed of one long elastic band, and if you straightened out that elastic band and stretched it to its fullest extent, it would reach more than two miles. And if you took a human male testicle and unravelled all the spaghetti like tube that it is composed of, it would be even longer than that, apperently , it would stretch out to three point 3 miles. Recurrent!”
All I did was raise my eyebrows. There was no point in arguing with him. But Honestly, I have never heard such utter bollocks in my life! The fact is that Raymond has obviously never read Les Grey’s Anatomy. Besides, anyone with an ounce of common sense knows that you couldn’t cram that amount of spaghetti into a mans y-fronts. No, the actual distance you could cover by straightening out a gentleman’s ball spaghetti is more like thirty six inches or, as it is known in the business, a knacker’s yard.
Any Road, Bollocks and Knackers may be different words for the same things, but as swearwords they are very different. “Bollocks” is used to describe an speech, song, idea or suggestion that is utterly ridiculous and without meaning. “That Nigel Fromage, he doesn’t half talk a lot of bollocks doesn’t he?” It can also be used like “Hell’s Bells,” “Bugger” or “Sod” as something to cry out when you have hurt yourself, or made a sudden mess of things.
“Knackers” is different. Apart from being used to name the gonads its most common use is in the form “Knackered” to describe someone who is exhausted, or in a terrible situation that they can’t get out of, or of an object which is broken beyond repair.
Some situations where “Bollocks” or “Knackers” might come in handy..
(i) At the Tory Party Conference “We, the Tories are a caring party, who want the best for all people in Britain, including the sick, disabled and elderly” … “Bollocks!”
(ii) At the hospital. “You are alright as long as that machine above you keeps on beeping, Raymond. If it stops, then you’re knackered.
(iii) In a self defence class. “If a burly assailant comes for you, you probably have one chance to use the element of surprise and kick him in the bollocks. If you miss, then you are knackered.