Auntie Doris’s Tarot Card of the Week #71 The King of Wands 9-15th March 2015

King Wands

King of Ruddy Wands. You know he is going to be a disappointment before you have even met him. Like that king Dong fellow, or Big John Holmes. All wand and not much ruddy magic. You know the type. All their brains are in their bell end and if they try to use it properly, more often than not, they will pass out from expending the effort because they haven’t got enough blood to service their how’s your father and the rest of their body at the same time.

Like that Jeremy ruddy Clarkson. Not that he has much of an how’s your father, or so I’ve heard. Apparently it’s not like the king of wands, not even a king prawn, but just an ordinary prawn; “prawnus minimus” as the Romans used to say. But that’s not the point. The fact is that his head is that big that it takes a big proportion of his blood to get his brain working on anything more complicated than talking about cars and being mildly offensive. If he tries to think about much else, he faints. Poor so and so.

The he thing with the King of Wands is it represents dysmorphia. That’s when you are not happy with how your body looks. You can tell that the king on this card isn’t happy. Look at the way he is holding his ruddy wand. That’s not a proud grip, it’s a limp wristed effort. And look at the way he is regarding it with disdain. That’s just the disdainful way that I used to regard my Raymond’s wand when I was wondering whether it was worth going to the effort of keeping him sweet.

The thing is, that if you start regarding yourself with disdain, then you are not going to look after yourself properly. See that little lizard thing in the foreground, looking hungrily at the kings wand? It’s thinking that if the king is regarding his wand with a face like that, he might not mind a lizard nibbling on it. He might not even notice until  it’s too ruddy late and there are little lizard teethmarks all along the length of it, and it’s no longer fit for ruddy purpose.

i’m not saying that all neglected wands are prone to attracting lizards, but everyone knows about the risk of crabs. And beside that there’s ringworms, threadworms, athlete’s shaft, and all sorts of other infections and pestilence to beware of. And that’s just a wand. If you are the proud owner of a tuppence or a pair of milkies, they are just as vulnerable if you turn dysmorphia on them. So if you draw this card, think on.

Four things that you might do this week. (i) learn to love your body. Whatever cards you have been dealt, they are the ones you have to play with. There’s not much use in deciding that you aren’t happy with this that or the other, unless you are a ruddy rich masochist who can afford that plastic surgery. And heaven knows that can have tragic results. Look at what happened to that Michael Jackson. He changed ruddy colour and couldn’t do a thing with his hairs afterwards. And he had to hold his nose in place with an elastic band. (ii) treat yourself to a nice hot bath. Put some bath salts in it an’all. Only don’t go washing your hair in it if it’s got bath salts in. It makes it go all dry and bitty. Don’t go accidentally drinking any of it with bath salts in either. That can drive you doollalley. And besides, it’s addictive. Stick to the sherry. (iii) Put some cream on your bits, to ward off lizards, crabs, prawns and Jeremy Clarkson and his ilk. To be honest I would rather have a lizard messing about with my bits than that Jeremy Clarkson. He makes my ruddy flesh crawl he does. (iv) Remember that you are beautiful in your own way, like that Ray Stevens usee to say before he turned filthy and got obsessed with people running around without any clothes on.

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