Auntie Doris’s New Zodiac #12: Cameleopardis – The Giraffe: Mar 22 – Apr 23


The last of my new zodiac signs, and possibly one of the most ridiculous constellations of them all. How anyone can ever have thought that a giraffe was a cross between a camel and a leopard, I do not know. And how you can see one by looking up into the night sky unless you have been smoking drugs, well, it defeats me. But who am I to argue with the ancients? They are my elders after all, and I have always been led to believe that I should respect them, much as you respect me, dear reader.
Any road, giraffes are famous for having long necks, so that they can reach the leaves higher up in the trees than other creatures with short stubby little necks can, like Phil Collins for instance. It’s an evolutionary thing, so The Lord alone knows how Phil Collins has managed to survive this long, really. Probably because he doesn’t eat a great load of leaves. I think that he is more of a ground feeder.
Any road, your average Cameleopardian is a resourceful type, who can get hold of the basic necessities of life even when supplies are scarce. Like Arthur Knaggs, the Butcher, who managed to get my beef dripping all through the war.
Cameleopardians are also renowned for sticking their necks out. That is to say, they are not backward about coming forward and will make an observation or a suggestion even if it is the sort of thing that others will turn their noses up at, and be critical about. My Raymond was always making suggestions that I was critical of. Like “why don’t we try Spain for our holidays”, or “have you ever thought of trying stockings instead of tights?” He wasn’t a Cameleopardian though, so I could easily shut him up with a swift clip around the earhole.
If you get the idea that someone born under the sign of the giraffe finds you a bit irritating, you had best get out of the way, or stop what you are doing quicksticks. Cameleopardians don’t suffer fools gladly. If you give them a pain in the neck they will take it personally, and let’s face it, they have a lot more neck to suffer pains in than the rest of us, so you can hardly blame them for getting uptight about it.
Famous Cameleopardians include: Victoria Beckham, who doesn’t take any nonsense from her lummox a of a husband. If he has done anything to annoy her he has to pay for her to go shopping somewhere posh like Marx and Spencer’s, and I don’t mean just in the food isle either! Jack Slipper of the Yard. His unorthodox policing methods kept the great train robbers at large for years on end. William Shakespeare, who wore a ruff to disguise his unusually long neck and Queen Elizabeth II, who can always manage to lay her hands on life’s little necessities, even when others are finding it difficult.

One thought on “Auntie Doris’s New Zodiac #12: Cameleopardis – The Giraffe: Mar 22 – Apr 23

  1. My Bri says pretty much the same thing. Snooker tables never change their spots and all that malarkey. I chalk it down to him being a misery on account of his rheumatics. Men eh? Tsk.

You are allowed to comment... I don't ruddy bite, you know...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s