Auntie Doris’s New Zodiac #12: Cameleopardis – The Giraffe: Mar 22 – Apr 23


The last of my new zodiac signs, and possibly one of the most ridiculous constellations of them all. How anyone can ever have thought that a giraffe was a cross between a camel and a leopard, I do not know. And how you can see one by looking up into the night sky unless you have been smoking drugs, well, it defeats me. But who am I to argue with the ancients? They are my elders after all, and I have always been led to believe that I should respect them, much as you respect me, dear reader.
Any road, giraffes are famous for having long necks, so that they can reach the leaves higher up in the trees than other creatures with short stubby little necks can, like Phil Collins for instance. It’s an evolutionary thing, so The Lord alone knows how Phil Collins has managed to survive this long, really. Probably because he doesn’t eat a great load of leaves. I think that he is more of a ground feeder.
Any road, your average Cameleopardian is a resourceful type, who can get hold of the basic necessities of life even when supplies are scarce. Like Arthur Knaggs, the Butcher, who managed to get my beef dripping all through the war.
Cameleopardians are also renowned for sticking their necks out. That is to say, they are not backward about coming forward and will make an observation or a suggestion even if it is the sort of thing that others will turn their noses up at, and be critical about. My Raymond was always making suggestions that I was critical of. Like “why don’t we try Spain for our holidays”, or “have you ever thought of trying stockings instead of tights?” He wasn’t a Cameleopardian though, so I could easily shut him up with a swift clip around the earhole.
If you get the idea that someone born under the sign of the giraffe finds you a bit irritating, you had best get out of the way, or stop what you are doing quicksticks. Cameleopardians don’t suffer fools gladly. If you give them a pain in the neck they will take it personally, and let’s face it, they have a lot more neck to suffer pains in than the rest of us, so you can hardly blame them for getting uptight about it.
Famous Cameleopardians include: Victoria Beckham, who doesn’t take any nonsense from her lummox a of a husband. If he has done anything to annoy her he has to pay for her to go shopping somewhere posh like Marx and Spencer’s, and I don’t mean just in the food isle either! Jack Slipper of the Yard. His unorthodox policing methods kept the great train robbers at large for years on end. William Shakespeare, who wore a ruff to disguise his unusually long neck and Queen Elizabeth II, who can always manage to lay her hands on life’s little necessities, even when others are finding it difficult.

Auntie Doris’s New Zodiac #11: Hydra – The Many Headed Snake: Feb 18 – Mar 21

HydraThe problem with many headed snakes is that you can’t get rid of the buggers. You chop one of their heads off and two more grow in its place. So you are in a worse position than you were in the first place. The best way to get rid of one would be to drown it in a bucket of water, or several buckets of water, depending on how many heads it had. Of course, if it had more than two heads, you would need to enlist the help of a number of other people, and it would probably be best to tell them to bring their own buckets and fill them with water themselves. Well in advance of the battle. Why the Greek mythologises never thought of doing that, I don’t know. Maybe they didn’t have as many buckets in those days, I suppose that plastic hadn’t been invented yet. Still, if they had the capability to make swords, you would have thought that they would have been able to make some sort of a bucket out of metal. We used to have a zinc bucket in our house, it always came in handy if you were feeling sick, you could keep it next to the settee, so that you wouldn’t have to run through to the toilet all in a hurry. I think the bottom wore through somehow in the end though. I remember having to scrub the little bits of carrot out of the front room carpet when my Raymond had puked straight through it after his brother Johns funeral. He had had a few too many pints of Worthington E at the wake.
Any road, the thing about Hydrarians is that they are pretty much unstoppable once they get some idea in their head. They might not be successful in achieving their goals, but it’s pretty difficult to stop them rattling on about them, and they will start persuading other people to go along with them too. So even if you did manage to shut them up, there will always be plenty of other people only too willing to take up their cause.
Like ruddy Jehovah’s Witnesses. If they come spouting their stuff on your doorstep and you do manage to get them to give in, you can guarantee that they will be back next week with some ruddy elder from the Kingdom Hall putting in twice the effort to persuade you that it’s not a good idea to be a blood donor. If it wasn’t illegal, I would suggest that you kept a bucket of water near the door to drown them in whenever they called, but it’s safer to just ignore them I suppose, and don’t go reading them watchtowers. They put something in the ink that seeps in through your fingers and makes you open to suggestion.
Famous Hydrarians: Osama Bin Laden: Crackpot fundamentalist who gives Muslims a bad name. Nick Griffin: crackpot fundamentalist who gives English people a bad name, and reckons that all Muslims are like Osama Bin Laden ( He’s obviously never heard of Cat Stevens or Mohammed Ali, or David Bowie’s wife). Rupert Mudoch: who owns virtually every television station and newspaper in the world except for the BBC and the Yorkshire Evening Post. Doctor Seuss: he wasn’t even a proper doctor, and he thought that it was a good idea to let a talking cat look after little children.