Auntie Doris’s Tarot Card of the Week: #73: The Ace of Wands – 23rd -29th March 2015

My Raymond was always laughing at them phallic cymbals; Lighthouses, snooker sticks, Cadbury’s Flakes, French sticks, trains going through tunnels, the lot. He was always pointing them out and making fruity comments. This was mainly because he was a ruddy filthy so and so, just like that Clement Freud bloke who used to live in Vienna and make up mucky stories about what people had been dreaming about. Well it doesn’t need a ruddy fortune teller to say what my Raymond or Clement Freud would have made of this card. Ruddy look at it!! I think that most people would see that it looks like a man’s knob with all leaves coming out of it. And it is being gripped in a most suggestive way by a disembodied hand coming out of the clouds. Have you seen the colour of that hand though? It looks as white as a ruddy sheet.

There’s a reason for that. Your hand goes white when the blood isn’t circulated to it properly. And you get pins and needles in it, and it goes numb an’all.

It is possible to use this fact for filthy purposes. Ask any bloke and he will tell you. They have all done it at one time or another, the filthy so and sos. Apparently, if you lay on your hand for long enough you can make it go all white and pins and needly and numb all by yourself. Apparently if you do that and then touch yourself in a private place it feels like it is somebody else’s hand doing the touching.  Apparently this is quite a treat for some men, who can’t manage to get anybody else to do the touching. Or even those that can, but are put off doing so by the fact that you might have to reciprocate, or at least make polite conversation afterwards. With men like that, numb hands are all the rage. “The best thing since sliced bread” they say. Although why anyone would ever want to touch themselves in a private place with a slice of bread is beyond me.

Any road, if you ever catch a bloke laid out on the couch with his arm tucked underneath his body, now you know what the filthy so and so is planning. Give him a poke with your umbrella and tell him to get up and do something ruddy useful, like put you a shelf up. Blokes like that are good at putting shelves up on account of the development of their arm muscles. They are also a dab hand at pumping up your bike tires (if you ride a bike) or mashing potatoes. Or even tossing salads.

If you do give them a salad to toss and they have the nerve to complain about it, tell them to lie on their arms until their hands go numb. Then it will feel like someone else is doing it for the,

Four things that you might do this week. (i) Keep a dream diary. Write down what you have been dreaming about as soon as you wake up, then see how many phallic symbols there are in it. If you have counted up more than five by the end of the week, give yourself a slap for being a filthy so and so. (ii) Give yourself pins and needles, just to remind yourself what it is like. You don’t have to lay on your arm. You can achieve a similar effect by wrapping an elastic band around your wrist a few times to stop the blood flow. Be careful though. My Raymond’s uncle Percival fell asleep with an elastic band around his wrist, and ended up having to have two of his fingers amputated as they went gammy through lack of blood. (iii) Do yourself some eggy bread. Apparently Henry the Eighth used to swear by it. You just dip some bread in raw egg and then fry it. Some people say it’s the best thing since sliced bread. (iv) Try doing day to day tasks with your left hand. (Or your right hand if you are left handed) It evens up your muscles and makes you a more well balanced person. Apparently.