Doris’s Digest #2 – Piss: Nature’s Miracle Cure

piss In this modern age we are constantly being assailed by dangers to our health from all sides. Pollution, Genetically Modified foods, passive smoking, fracking, rays from space, the ruddy lot! But according to Professor Nigel Fromage of the Department of Micturation at the University of East Anglia, Michigan, USA, the solution to all our troubles may lie in the contents of our bladders!
Contrary to popular belief, Fromage contests that wee, pittle, or to give it its medical name, “piss,” is not simply a waste product which we expel after extracting all the goodness out of the things that we drink, but a special medicine, tailor made in the laboratory of our body, to keep us at the peak of health and efficiency.
Fromage, speaking from the comfort of his modern air conditioned lavatory, claims that the secret is to catch the first piss of the day in a large glass or tumbler, and get it straight down your neck whilst it is still warm. “If you let it go cold” he says, “the friendly bacteria will die before it has time to perform its magic.”
It appears to have worked for him. He looks a picture of health, and it is hard to believe that he is fifty three years old and has recently recovered from an operation to remove a malignant tuna from his sarcophagus.
Apparently, in cave man days, before tea and coffee were invented, they used to drink piss all the time, and they quite literally thrived on it.
“You had to be healthy in those days” says Fromage, “ What with all those dinosaurs chasing you around. If you weren’t in tip top condition you would have quickly ended up as a snack for a T Rex. The way that early man kept in tip top condition was by drinking his own piss. Every day!”
Professor Fromage is no stranger to controversy. In 1998 he hit the headlines when seventeen of his students were rushed to hospital after volunteering to take part in an experiment designed to test out the health benefits of eating your own shite.
“I can understand why people might have got into a bit of a tizzy about that one” Fromage concedes, “However these things need looking into. I had carried out preliminary experiments on myself and results were looking good, but unfortunately I had to discontinue them due to developing fistulas in my stomach lining.”
Fromage is sure that he is onto a winner with his more recent work though, and believes that if he can persuade the general population to favour piss over more traditional breakfast beverages, such as orange juice, grapefruit juice, tea or coffee, life expectancy will rise to around 120 years and hospitals will be all but consigned to the dustbin of history.
However, his critics think the same as me: That he is a filthy so and so who hasn’t got the brains he was born with. Anyone who decides to drink their own pittle can’t be quite right in the head, can they?