Auntie Doris’s Sexual Healing, featuring Marvin Gaye #3: Spilled Seed

Undies DrawerMrs F.J. of Richmond, Yorkshire writes: “Dear Auntie Doris, My husband doesn’t seem to be as interested in me as he was when we first met. In fact I would say that he all but ignores me in the bedroom. However, on a number of occasions recently I have noticed that someone has spilled seed all over the contents of my lingerie drawer, and I cannot help but come to the conclusion that it is his handiwork. What can I do about this unpleasant situation?” Well Mrs F.J, I’m afraid that in the first instance you will have to accept that in all probability, the spilled seed is down to your husband, and that he is a vile and filthy little toe-rag. Having said that, he is not alone in his vice, indeed, it is one that most men participate in at one time or another. My first piece of advice is to suggest that you boil wash all the affected garments, remembering to put a capful of Dettol in the water before the first cycle. That way you can be sure that none of the seeds will ever germinate the next time you wear them. You wouldn’t want your husband’s unwanted progeny messing up your drawers well into your dotage, would you? Secondly, you need to find a way to prevent such an occurrence happening in the future. Whilst you can never entirely eradicate this behavior in a man without surgery or drugs, you can certainly minimize the effects. For instance, my Raymond stopped despoiling my drawer when I moved it away from the dressing table with the large mirror. Whilst he still showed an interest in my nick-nacks, he would have to take items away from the drawer in order to observe himself fiddling with them. This meant that only one or two items would get mucked up, instead of the whole drawerful. Don’t go as far as our Violet did though. She moved her undies to the top of a tall chest of drawers. A few days later, on going up to investigate a loud crash in the bedroom, she found her Wilfred stone dead on the floor. He had fallen backwards and snapped his ruddy neck on the footboard of their bed. Even worse, he had still managed to muck up her entire collection of unmentionables, just before he fell off the stool. So she still had to do a boil wash anyway. So remember, only take measures appropriate to the situation. Marvin Gaye’s Glistening Tip: It’s relatively inexpensive to have a lock fitted to most drawers these days. But if you go down that route, empty the drawer before having the man round to do the work. Otherwise, things might get messy.