Auntie Doris’s Tarot Card of the Week #63 The Eight of Wands – 12th – 18th January 2015


Auntie Doris’s Tarot Card of the Week #63 the Eight of Wands: 12th – 18th January 2015

Eight stout staffs, bursting with new life out of the ends of them. But look at the ruddy angle they are positioned in. They are pointing downwards. You can’t see what’s going on with the other end of them either. They are either being held by eight (or possibly four) people who can’t manage to hold them up properly any more. Or they have been thrown like javelins and have been up and are now doing the downward bit of their path.

The thing is, most of us like our wands at a jauntier angle than that. They remind me of that old time actor from the films. King Dong. He had an immense wand, but when it was fully extended , he couldn’t manage to get it to much more of an angle than the ones on this card. If he did he would have fainted due to their not being enough blood left in the rest of his body to provide his brain with fresh oxygen. After the novelty had worn off, all his leading ladies got bored and went back to more traditional actors such as Ronald Regan or Rondo Hatton. Let’s be honest, it’s more of an angle of dangle than an angle of elevation. And its bad enough iwhen a bloke rolls over and goes to sleep the minute he has finished his business, but its even worse if he faints in the middle of it due to a reduced blood supply to his cranium.

As the old adage goes… “It’s not the size of your equipment that matters, but what you can manage to do with it. Mind you, there are some people with miniscule equipment and they can’t even manage to operate that properly. My Raymond couldn’t even get a panel pin into the wall to hang a ruddy calendar on without bending the ruddy thing out of all recognition, creating a hole the size of an old penny piece and getting plaster all over the knick knacks on my mantelpiece. Nobody likes grit all over their knick knacks either. I certainly didn’t.

If you draw this card, I’m afraid it points downwards, perhaps to old age, decreasing powers, and the need for a change in lifestyle. But don’t worry. There’s still green shoots on them ruddy wands. And as another old adage goes… “There’s many a good tune played on an old fiddle.

Four Things that you might do this week (i) Make sure that all your equipment is in full working order, and that you are able to tackle any job that you might embark upon. If you can’t, then make sure that you know a good tradesman who can do the work for you. If your wife likes her beef dripping, send her to the butchers. (ii) Make sure that you keep a good supply of oxygen to your brain. This might be as simple as making sure that you go out for regular long walks in the fresh air or sleep with the windows open. But for some people it may mean minor surgery “down below” (iii) Make sure that your knick knacks are clean and in good order. This may involve flicking a feather duster over them once in a while, but if there are any stubborn spots which are in particular need of attention, you might need to lick the end of your finger and give them a vigorous rubbing. (iv) If all else fails, remember that not everyone can continue with the pursuits of their youth as their dotage approaches. Consider taking up a new hobby, basket weaving, crocheting doilies or doing word searches are all great comforts to those who have reduced abilities in other areas of life.


Auntie Doris’s Secrets of the Mystics #1: More Things on Heaven and Earth

card reader

My nephew did one of them balls ups last week. He put this week’s tarot card on the internet as well as last weeks. He deleted it when he found out, and set it to re appear at the usual time, but still, some people read it early. Any road I’m not going to go on at him, because he has had a rough time lately. What I am going to do is add this little homily to give people something new to read, and get things back into step.

I need to keep my friends on here, because I well know that there are those who say that Tarot reading is a load of tripe. “It’s all Mumbo Jumbo” they say, “performed by con men and spivs and crooked old woman who are only after your money.”

Believe me, gentle reader, I am not after your money. We deceased people don’t need it. My nephew would snatch your hand off if you waved a fiver at him, but that’s his ruddy business. I don’t care about money at all. I look upon my power as a gift and want to help as many people as I can with it.

Those same people who doubt the power of the Tarot would say that plenty else was a load of tripe an’all, things such as clairvoyancy, reading the bumps on people’s heads or the lines on their hands. There are even some people who would deny the truths that can be seen by a skilled teabag reader.

I know that you are not one of those people. You wouldn’t have read this far if you were. People like that might as well say that there is no truth in the teachings of Jesus, Buddha, Patience Strong or any of the world’s other great religious leaders.

Leave that sort of talk to the likes of Richard Dawkinson and his ilk. They haven’t got the brains that they were born with. They have lost their sense of childish of wonder and probably had their minds soured by man’s inhumanity to man, or some such lark.

Any schoolboy knows that “there are more things on Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than your one eye could know”, as Oliver Hardy said to Admiral Lord Nelson after kissing him in his Golden Hind quarters.

And scientists are only just beginning to comprehend that over 90% of the human brain has unfathomable powers and peccadilloes that defy logical explanation.

And the marvel of the human brain is its limitless imagination, its ability to enjoy and understand stories, to make sense of them and to empathize with the characters described in them.

And the Tarot works as a result of all that. The lass who drew all those pictures was a real life pixie, working under the instructions of a proper wizard. And together they created a series of images that tap into the depths of your psyche and release special energies through the power of imagination and storytelling.

Someone like me doesn’t really need a tarot pack to do it. As I have said before. I can tell your fortune from your used teabags if you want. But with a little practice most people could learn to tell a fortune from any pack of cards, including ordinary playing cards, Happy Families, Old Maid, Top trumps, Poky Men or Yogi Oh. (Whatever they are.) I once had my fortune done with a pack of Brooke Bond PG Tips “History of the Motor Car Cards”. The old lass who did it said that I was going on a long journey by car. She was right an all. Me and Raymond went to Withernsea that weekend in his Morris Marina. Mind you. We did this most weekends, and I think that her sister had a caravan near ours, so she might have had an inkling.

Any Road, if you like I will tell you how to tell anyone’s fortune with an ordinary pack of playing cards some time when I am at a loose end. It’ll only take me five minutes, and then you will be able to amaze your friends and impress the opposite sex. If that’s the sort of thing you would use special sacred powers for… You filthy so and so