Auntie Doris’s Tarot card of the Week #50: the Queen of Pentacles


She has a serious face this one. There she is, sat on her throne in a mossy grove with a ruddy ridiculous hat on, looking at her money and thinking to herself: “Was it all worth it?”
I suppose that there are plenty of rich people who have moments like that. We all like money, because we imagine that it will solve al of our problems, that we will be happy if we can afford nice things, like cut glass sherry decanters, Wedgewood figurines and Doilies from the Edinburgh woollen mill, but are we any happier than we would have been if we were decanting our sherry from the bottle it came in, had ornaments from Woolworths on the mantelpiece and crocheted our own ruddy doilies? No. I don’t think we would be.
If youlook carefully in the corner of this card, you can see a rabbit running past. Or is it a hare? I can’t tell the ruddy difference to be honest. Any road, it is running past without a thought in its little head about sherry bottles, figurines or doilies. As far as it is concerned, ownership of anything is a mugs game. As long as it has a hole to live in, and can find enough carrots or whatever it is the ruddy things eat. Then its alright. Maybe Mrs Silly Hat is thinking about that while she looks down at her precious coin. And I’ll bet that that great stone throne isn’t as comfy as that hare’s hole is either. In fact if she sits there too long, she will end up getting ruddy piles and spending all her money on ruddy haemorrhoid cream. You can’t be happy with piles and that’s a fact. My friend Violet’s husband Wilfred had them and it made his life a misery. He was driven so wild with them that he once tried to draw them out by sucking at them with the vacuum cleaner. At least that’s what he said he was doing when she caught him enjoying its company in the nude that tame that she came back early from the bingo. He did have some strange ideas about medicine did Wilfred.
Four things that you might do this week. (i) have a clear out, and get rid of any silly hats that you have knocking about the place. I wish my ruddy nephew Michael would. He looks sodding ridiculous sometimes. (ii) Think on before you make any rash purchases. Will they make you any more happy, or will you just be cluttering up your house with more ruddy stuff which will just get in the way and eventually be thrown out without hardly ever being used. (iii) Take care of your arse. If you have to sit on a hard cold chair, put a ruddy cushion on it first. The only people who think that piles are a laughing matter are them that’s never had them. (iv) If you realise that you don’t need all the money you have, consider giving a few bob to the hare preservation trust. They might be able to make better use of it than you could. They have one of them websites at