Mr P.H. of Weybridge, Surrey, writes: “Whilst filling up the all terrain vehicle at the local service station the other day, the pipe delivering the fuel accidentally brushed against the front of my trousers, causing a not unpleasant sensation in my undercarriage. Obviously, being in a public place, I was unable to take full advantage of this quite delightful discovery, but since that moment I have been able to think of little else. I have tried watering the garden with the tap full on and the hosepipe close to my body, but it just wasn’t the same, and besides, with the recent rainfall figures in the Runnymede area, my wife was more than a little suspicious. I am wondering if there are any gentleman’s clubs in London or the Home Counties which accommodate for this taste.”
Mr P.H. How the ruddy Hell would I know? Have a bit of common sense you ridiculous, stupid man. I’m a dead old lady not your ruddy social secretary. Having said that, your little peccadillo does not seem to be anything which would harm others, so I don’t suppose it would hurt to dispense a little advice. Perhaps you could try sitting on the washing machine when it enters the spin cycle, or renting one of those Flabélos machines that seem to be all the rage these days. The Lord alone knows how you would use it, but I am sure that an inventive fellow like you would find a way. Always be careful when placing a sensitive part of the body close to machinery though. My brother in law John, tried to increase the size of his Werther’s original by putting it through the mangle whilst his wife was out of the way. He ended up getting it stuck fast and had to wait for her to come home to release it. Apparently it was unrecognizable after that, and neither he nor his wife ever got any pleasure out of it again.
Marvin Gaye’s Glistening Tip. You are obviously a man who is proud of his vehicle. Have you ever considered using an orbital polisher? I used to use one myself, and I can guarantee that it will provide you with an excellent finish!
Auntie Doris’s Sexual Healing, featuring Marvin Gaye #10 Revenge of the Coffee Table Mr N.C. of Sheffield writes: “Since entering middle age, I have developed an overwhelming urge to respond to advertisements which are written on the inside of cubicle doors in public lavatories. Of course this is a private peccadillo and nobody’s business but my own. However the other day, whilst on a “business trip” down South I saw an advertisement in black marker pen inside a convenience on the A40 near Witney, Oxon. It offered a used IKEA glass coffee table for sale at a very reasonable price. It also mentioned the possibility of photographs of it “in use”. Being a man of the world, I telephoned the number to make enquiries. Imagine my surprise when I was greeted by the voice of my boss on the other end of the line! Of course I ended the call immediately, and I don’t think it can be traced. My question is, do you think that I could use the knowledge of my boss’s little sideline to my own advantage. And if so… how?” Ohh Mr N.C. No. Such behavior would be evidence of a complete lack of moral integrity, and I cant imagine any decent job where that would be an advantage. Don’t go kidding yourself about being a “man of the world” when you inhabit the murky world of public lavatories. They are no places to do your business, even if you are desperate. No one is going to find glory in places like that, and don’t give me any nonsense about finding it through any little holes either. Clean your act up! There’s plenty other places to find advertisements for coffee tables. Have you tried the Sheffield Star? Or even the Rotherham Advertiser? You may not be the lowest of the low yet, but what with the company you are keeping, you can’t be far off. I would put as much distance between yourself and your boss and his ruddy coffee table as is humanly possible. You don’t want a boss like that, and you don’t want to be hanging around in public conveniences either.
Marvin Gaye’s Glistening Tip: the internet will provide you with a wealth of coffee table buying opportunities, and also the chance to meet up with people who are also keen on coffee tables, either locally, nationally or internationally. So, if you are into that sort of thing… happy hunting!