Auntie Doris’s Tarot Card of the Week #68 The Two of Cups – 16th -22nd February 2015

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These two don’t look very happy with each other, do they? At first glance they look like a nice couple sharing a drink. But appearances can be deceptive. The scene has ruddy danger written all over it. you can tell because of that winged lion moth thing hovering above them. If ever there was a clear symbol of danger, a winged lion moth thing is it. It beats a silhouette man being struck by silhouette lightening any road. Whoever heard of silhouette lightening? That’s only a danger if you live in a parallel universe, whereas winged lion moth things are very much a part of the here and now. Especially the kind that are clutching sticks with a couple of snakes twisted around them.

it is obvious to me that at least one of those cups contains poison. Probably both. They are clearly sick of the sight of each other and  neither of them can wait to bump the other one off so that they can start having carnal relations with other people. Or indulging in other pecadilloes, like cross dressing, death by chocolate or felching, I shouldn’t wonder. The filthy so and so’s.

Any road, they are going to get a shock when they realise that both of the cups are poisoned. Then when the detectives come and try and sot it all out, they will probably think that it was a suicide pact or something, so neither of them will get the blame for being a murderer. Especially seeing as you can bet your bottom dollar that that winged lion moth thing will have made itself ruddy scarce as soon as it heard the sirens, and taken its ruddy snake stick with it. And good riddance to it I say. It would hardly have made a credible witness in a court of law any road. The jury would have found it too hard to believe in.

Poisoning is a messy business. If you are in a relationship that is causing you more trouble than it is worth, you have two choices in my book. Either get out of it or ruddy well grin and bear it. I took the latter option with my Raymond. He was a pain in the arse, but at least he was my pain in the arse. And I could have ended up with a much worse pain. At least he wasn’t malignant, like some men who I could mention.

Four things that you might have done last week. (i) Throw away any scientific apparatus that you might have collected with the half formed intention of creating unusual hybrid animals. If you were to end up unleashing a winged lion moth thing on an unsuspecting world, the guilt would drive you up the ruddy wall! (ii)  Discuss your pecadilloes openly with your other half. They might laugh, but it is a damn sight better option than poisoning them because “they wouldn’t understand” (iii) Whilst you are at it, give your other half a treat by making them a nice drink, and not putting any poison in it. Not poisoning drinks is a good way of helping a relationship through a troubled patch. In fact recent research has shown that couples who do not poison each other’s drinks are much more likely to have a longer more trusting relationship. Mo seriously, its true. You watch ITV breakfast or read the Daily Mail this week and you are bound to come across that, or very similar research. Don’t watch or read for more than a week though. Your brains will dissolve into a soup like substance and you will start believing the adverts. (iv) Learn to embrace a little pain. Not a lot, but a little pain can be a wonderful thing in a relationship. Just ask that woman who wrote that book “Seven Shades of Shite” She seems to know all about it.

Auntie Doris’s New Years Revolutions #4: Become more confident with the opposite sex!

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It is a terrible thing when people have no confidence in the opposite sex. I have no confidence in my Raymond. Or if I have got any confidence, its the wrong sort of confidence if you follow my drift. I am confident that he is a useless, lazy lump, I am confident that he hasn’t got the brains that he was born with, and I am confident that if I give him the occasional clip around the ear, it doesn’t make a blind bit of difference. But I am not confident in much else about him. My confidence in the opposite sex has become eroded by years of experience of them, slaves to their peccadilloes, that’s what men are, and if one of them ever tells you any different, its his peccadilloes doing the talking, throwing up a smokescreen to disguise what’s going on inside his filthy mind.

But I suppose what you mean by a revolution like this is that you want to have more confidence in your dealings with the opposite sex. That’s a different matter. For women, the answer is simplicity itself. Once you remember that all men are slaves to their peccadilloes, you have absolute control. Once a man understands that you know his peccadilloes, and are willing to indulge him to an extent, or even just to turn a blind eye. You can say or do whatever you like to him, with complete confidence. You have the upper hand in every situation.

For men its a little different. Some men find it so hard to be confident in their dealings with the opposite sex, that they would rather mess about in their underwear drawers, or dress up in their clothes, or sit in the shed all day reading ruddy silly magazines about them, than actually have any dealings with them at all. If you know a man like that, (and most women do, whether they realise it or not) why not make it your New Year’s revolution to give him a clip around the earhole? It might not do him any good, but it would make you feel a damn sight better.

Auntie Doris’s alternative revolution: Why stop at the opposite sex? Why not revolve to be more confident with everybody? You can start by just pretending to be confident, and before you know where you are, it becomes a habit, and you are as confident as the cat that cleaned its canines with colgate. But why stop at people? Are you confident with cattle? With horses? With Birds of prey? Why stop at living things? Are you confident with machinery? With information technology? With contacting the dead? Confidence in all of these things can be achieved by bluster, bluffing and pretence. And take it from me… anything that you can’t gain confidence in by these means isn’t worth the effort.