Auntie Doris’s Sexual Healing, featuring Marvin Gaye #12: Necrovestiphilia

tightsMrs J.O. of Swinton, South Yorkshire writes. “Dear Auntie Doris. My husband has developed an interest in wearing dead people’s clothing. It all started out when he found a box containing stuff that used to belong to an aunt of his who died almost twenty years ago. At first, I thought it was just a peccadillo when he tried on a pair of her old tights. It certainly seemed to excite him. But pretty soon, he was trying the lot on and claiming to be channeling her spirit from the “other side”. Since then, he has been behaving very strangely, he now claims to own some of Marvin Gaye’s old clothes, (which is unlikely, unless they were donated to the Help the Aged shop in Mexborough) and is currently on a hunt for items which belonged to his late Uncle Raymond. He never had much fashion sense in the first place, but this is getting out of hand. What do you suggest?

Most men go through a period of necrovestiphilia, or the wearing of dead people’s clothing at some point in their lives. Famous examples include Norman Bates, Ted Bundy and Rasputin, so there is really nothing to worry about. However, if we are talking about who I think we are talking about, and my Raymond thinks he is getting involved, he has another think coming. I don’t want him stalking the earth, telling all and sundry about things that are ought to be left well alone. That sort of thing is better left to me. If he does get hold of any of his Uncle Raymond’s stuff, my advice to you would be to burn it. However, in the case of his dear old Aunt, the behaviour is probably helping him through the grieving process. Indulge him, give him time, as failure to do so may result in deep emotional scarring. And no-one wants to be married to someone with deep emotional scarring. It just isn’t pleasant. And I should know.

Marvin Gaye’s Glistening Tip: “there’s nothing wrong with his passion for sweet soul music neither lady, and you never know: clothing which once belonged to my old pals Otis Redding and Sam Cooke may well have found its way to that Help the Aged shop in Mexborough.

Auntie Doris’s Sexual Healing, featuring Marvin Gaye # 11: The Petrol Pump

pumpMr P.H. of Weybridge, Surrey, writes: “Whilst filling up the all terrain vehicle at the local service station the other day, the pipe delivering the fuel accidentally brushed against the front of my trousers, causing a not unpleasant sensation in my undercarriage. Obviously, being in a public place, I was unable to take full advantage of this quite delightful discovery, but since that moment I have been able to think of little else. I have tried watering the garden with the tap full on and the hosepipe close to my body, but it just wasn’t the same, and besides, with the recent rainfall figures in the Runnymede area, my wife was more than a little suspicious. I am wondering if there are any gentleman’s clubs in London or the Home Counties which accommodate for this taste.”

Mr P.H. How the ruddy Hell would I know? Have a bit of common sense you ridiculous, stupid man. I’m a dead old lady not your ruddy social secretary. Having said that, your little peccadillo does not seem to be anything which would harm others, so I don’t suppose it would hurt to dispense a little advice. Perhaps you could try sitting on the washing machine when it enters the spin cycle, or renting one of those Flabélos machines that seem to be all the rage these days. The Lord alone knows how you would use it, but I am sure that an inventive fellow like you would find a way. Always be careful when placing a sensitive part of the body close to machinery though. My brother in law John, tried to increase the size of his Werther’s original by putting it through the mangle whilst his wife was out of the way. He ended up getting it stuck fast and had to wait for her to come home to release it. Apparently it was unrecognizable after that, and neither he nor his wife ever got any pleasure out of it again.

Marvin Gaye’s Glistening Tip. You are obviously a man who is proud of his vehicle. Have you ever considered using an orbital polisher? I used to use one myself, and I can guarantee that it will provide you with an excellent finish!