Auntie Doris’s Tarot Card of the Week #57: The Ace of Cups 1st -7th December 2014

image

“My cup runneth over!” It says that in the Bible, I don’t know who said it. It wasn’t Jesus or Moses or any of that lot. It’s in one of them Psalms or something. Whoever said it should have thought on before he filled his cup up so much that he couldn’t get it to his mouth without slopping it all over the place. I bet his ruddy wife wasn’t too happy about it. Especially if it was runnething over with red wine. That’s the Devil’s own job to get out of a nice white tablecloth, or out of the front of one of those white robe things they all used to wear in Bible days. Even carpets, although I don’t think that they had carpets in the bible. I might be wrong, but I think they just went for straw on the floor. Or was that just on the ward where Jesus was born. They had ruddy sheep and donkeys and everything in there. I know that the National Health Service is struggling these days, but at least they aren’t reduced to keeping sheep and donkeys on maternity wards yet. I suppose that it’ll come though if Cameron is still in charge after the next election.
Any road, the Ace of cups is a good card to draw when you are doing the tarot, because it means that you will do alright as far as health and relationships are concerned. The cup in the picture runneth over like a ruddy fountain with good clean pure water coming out of it into a beautiful, still pond with all lillypads in it. And look at that lovely dove flying into the cup. The symbol of peace and harmony.
And what is the dove holding in its beak? It looks familiar to me. I used to have a row of four of them on the kitchen wall, to poke the corners of my tea towels in when I had finished drying the pots. So the dove is symbolising the sort of domestic peace and harmony where your other half helps you with the pots, and then puts the teat owes away tidily when they are all finished.
I never experienced anything like that, myself. My Raymond was more likely to have spilled his drink all over the tablecloth and his shirt than to offer to help with the pots. It more likely have been Mackeson or some other dark beer than red wine, but I would have still had to do a ruddy boil wash to get them anything like properly clean.
I would also like to point out, for the benefit of my antipodean friend Bruce Goodman, that the part of the fluffy cloud that the hand holding the cup is coming out of looks a bit like a lady’s Mary. So I imagine that a few young men will be taking notice of that.
Four things that you might do this week. (i) Have a drink of nice pure water. It’s ruddy healthy stuff. And it’s very good for sherry headaches, which I have been known to suffer from, from time to time. Don’t bother forking out for any of that stuff in bottles though. The stuff that comes out of a tap is just as good. In fact the stuff in bottles comes out of a tap an’all, if the truth be known. (ii) get somebody to help you with washing and drying the pots. And if you haven’t got one already, get one of those things to push your tea towels in when you have finished. They do them these days with little sculptures of the back end of a dog on them, so it’s like pushing your tea towel into its arsehole. I suppose that some people find that sort of thing amusing. If you know anybody like that, why not get them one for Christmas. Such people don’t deserve much more thought. (iii) If your other half’s cup regularly runneth over, buy the dirty so and so a bib. (iv) Spend a bit of time cloud gazing. But have a bucket of cold water to hand to throw over yourself, just in case any of the formations inflame your carnal passions.

Auntie Doris’s Tarot Card of the Week #47 The Three of Swords 22nd -28th September 2014

I’ll tell you one thing for nothing. You are not going to last very long with three ruddy swords stuck in your heart, are you! So it’s a good job that this is a figurative heart with three figurative swords stuck in it. But theres no escaping the fact that it is still going to hurt.
What with the heart representing love and the swords representing conflict and struggle, and what with there being three of them, it doesn’t take much to work out that this card represents the age old problem of the love triangle. A love triangle is where three people are locked in conflict because two of them love the other one, who can’t make their ruddy minds up, or somehow can’t have the one they want. This usually happens in Barbara Cartland Books, or in the “My Weekly Pocket Library” Sometimes the two who both love the other one end up giving up on her, because they realise that they are actually in love with each other more than they are with her. That sort of thing never happened in Barbara Cartland or My Weekly, But it did happen to our Madge once, when she went on a mini cruise round the Isle of Wight with the over fifties singles club. On the coach journey down, she got talking to this bloke called Lionel. All very nautical he was, with a ship’s crest on his blazer and his glasses on a chain to save them if they fell off during a storm. He bought her a Cornish pastie dinner at the service station near Peterborough, and sat next to her from there to Southampton. But when they were on board ship, she got talking to this other chap, Frank. And he got her swinging to the on board dance band, Derek Winters and his able Seamen. Frank was tall and slightly Mediterranean looking, but with a squint, that Madge said was quite becoming when you got used to it.
Any Road, she just couldn’t make her mind up. Lionel was flash with his money and looked like a man of experience, but Frank had more of what she called “Animal Electricity. (Funny that. I never knew that our Madge was familiar with the work of Voltaire and Galvani)
Any road, she tried to play them off against each other, bestowing her favours first on one, then the other, seeing which one would try the hardest to win her affections. But after a day and a night of that, she never saw them again until the coach trip home. And it was ruddy Frank who got his dinner bought in the roadside canteen. And as far as I know, they have been happy together ever since.
Four things that you might do this week. (i) Love triangles can be very bad for your heart. Why not have a cheese triangle instead. These a re a good source of calcium, vitamins, and cheese, and in moderation are good for you. (in excess though, they make you ruddy sick) (ii) Book yourself a cruise. If you can’t afford that, promise yourself a go on a boat next time you have the chance. Unless you are a fisherman, in which case that would be a busmans holiday. Or something like that. Me and my sister Pearl were watching “The Love Boat” on the television one time, and she said, “Do you think that my George would ever take me on a love boat?” I said “the nearest he would get to that is going on a tug boat on his ruddy own.” She told me that there was no need to be crude. (iii) Have a Cornish Pastie dinner in a café. Whilst you are still young! Life is short, don’t skinp yourself by missing the best bits. (iv) Buy yourself a copy of the My Weekly Pocket Library. You can get them cheap off that Pirate Bay. I particularly Recommend “To Love Again” by Fenella Miller (Glen’s sister) or “Sod my Rags” by Catherine Sylvester (Victor’s wife)