Auntie Doris’s All Things Must Pass #9: When Dinosaurs Roamed the Earth


What is it about little lads and dinosaurs? They love them don’t they? I remember getting my nephew Michael a book with dinosaurs in it and it wasn’t long before he had memorised all the names of them, how big they were, what they ate, every ruddy thing. There was no point in playing him at Dinosaur Top Trumps, because he would win every time. Even if you had the Tyrannosaurus Rex card, he would just ask you how long its front legs or arms were or something, and you would end up having hand it over. He was ruddy unbeatable.
It was impressive that. Mainly because it has something to do with science. Although I don’t suppose it ever does any little lads any good once they grow up, unless they get a job in a museum or something. Or writing books for little lads. Or designing top Trumps cards.
Besides, as they grow up, most little lads forget about dinosaurs and replace the knowledge with useless information about football or pop music. You couldn’t even get a job in a ruddy museum with knowledge about rubbish like that. But then again, there are that many blokes interested in that sort of thing, that there are probably loads of opportunities for jobs; talking about it, writing about it, taking photographs of it or something of the sort. My nephew Michael has tried it. He once had a part-time job writing about football in the local paper, but he never made a living out of that. Then he formed his ruddy silly pop groups, and he has never made a living out of any of them either. Maybe he should have stuck with the dinosaurs. He could be in a nice warm museum now, identifying bones and showing little lads around the place.
They had a good innings them dinosaurs. They were the main species on Earth for over 100 million years. We’ve only managed to last about 200, 000 years, and it doesn’t look like we will be carrying on much longer if we carry on the way we are going, what with atom bombs, and global warming and reality television. If we don’t blow ourselves to smithereens or roast to death, we will become too stupid to survive in a ruddy power cut. One way or another, the human race is doomed. In this corner of the multiverse any road.
Apparently the dinosaurs all died out when a great big asteroid smashed into the Earth and made it dark for weeks on end, and probably freezing cold too. The poor old dinosaurs couldn’t hack it, so they died out sharpish, leaving smaller more resilient creatures like mice, and monkeys to take over. And the mice and monkeys gradually evolved into us.
I’ve never met any dinosaurs here on the other side, but I’m sure that their thoughts and experiences are preserved in The Meld. The thing was that although most dinosaurs were bigger than a really big double decker bus, their brains were actually smaller than a very little walnut. So there wouldn’t be that many thoughts and experiences to survive, even though they were the top dogs for all them millions of years.
It seems a shame they had to go though. All they did was bellow and snort. Plenty of them were actually vegetarians. They didn’t have rubbish television or horrible loud pop music or guns and bombs or anything like that. They just got on with having a natural life. Without human beings mucking the place up, it must have been like paradise. But there you go. It might take five minutes or 100 million years, but in the end… All things must pass.