Auntie Doris’s Tarot Card of the Week #61 The Six of Wands – 29th December 2014 – 4th January 2015

 

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He looks ruddy pleased with himself, this one. Waving his wand up high after he has stuck it through a wreath. I don’t reckon he is much of a gentleman though. When a real gentleman has pushed his wand through a bushy orifice, he doesn’t go parading the around the town on horseback showing off about it and encouraging all and sundry to go waving their ruddy wands about in appreciation. No, a real gentleman would be discreet about it, and treat the owner of the foliage with a little bit more respect.

And besides, what’s the big idea with covering his horse with a big green sheet? That doesn’t seem like a sensible thing to do at all to me. For a start, Horses don’t naturally trot around with their heads poking out of ruddy green blankets. They might easily trip over and have to be destroyed. But does he care? I doubt it. It strikes me that he is only bothered about himself, and doesn’t care what he has destroyed; Horses, people’s reputations or whatever! I bet he treats the ruddy ozone layer with the same ruddy contempt that he shows that wreath. I’ll bet he blathers himself in aerosol deodorants every time he leaves the ruddy house. No. The more I think about him, the less I like him.

And another thing! He’s got another wreath on his head. Who does he think he is? Julius Ruddy Caesar?

Four things that you might like to do this week. (i) Practice a little bit of humility. Nobody likes a show off. (Apart from all those people who buy Phil Collinss’s records) If you have an achievement to celebrate, do it with a bit of humility and respect to whoever you climbed over to get there. Its bad form to go waving trophies about. Leave that to the likes of serial killers and footballers. (ii) Be careful with your wreath. Wreaths are delicate things. If you take care of them, they can bring you a lot of pleasure. Don’t go letting all and sundry maul them with their grubby fingers, or poking at them with their wands. And you certainly don’t want anyone parading it through the town on ruddy horseback. (iii) Use a ball deodorant. They smell just as good, and stop dangerous holes appearing in the sky. And while you are at it, never buy fish and chips in polystyrene boxes. Get them wrapped in newspaper, and then you have something to read whilst you are eating them. (iv) Remember what happened to Julius Ruddy Caesar. Nobody liked him. His best make ended up stabbing him in the back because he wouldn’t share his twix bar. “Ate two, Brute”

Auntie Doris’s Tarot card of the Week #49: the Knight of Wands. 6-12th October 2014

image The knight of ruddy wands. The height of virility. Look at his rampant horse rearing up. I once went in a pub called the Rampant Horse. Some ruddy distant relative of my Raymond had a birthday party in there. It was full of young lads rearing up all over the place. Filthy little so and so’s. And they didn’t even do sherry behind the bar. I didn’t stay in there for long. I can tell you. It had a big picture of a rampant horse outside an all. Properly rampant it was, like it was stood upright on two legs. Some filthy minded individual had drawn something rude on it with one of them aerosol cans. Polluting everybody’s minds and the ruddy ozone layer into the bargain an’all.
And that’s the Knight of wands for you. Virile, and rampant, and capable. But ruddy immature and filthy minded.
And he’s gone to ruddy Egypt an’all. Look! You can see the pyramids in the background. But you can bet that he hasn’t gone there to study the tombs of the sodding pharaohs. Oh no. He’ll have gone on one of them “Club carnal knowledge2 holidays, hoping to have it off with a load of young lasses, whilst taking drugs and listening to throbbing ruddy music more than likely. That’s what all the young lads were after in the Rampant Horse. Them that wasn’t adding their artwork to the sign outside, any road.
The only difference between the Knight of Wands and the young lads these days, is that nowadays lads are not as good at horsemanship. Mind you they are still ruddy show offs. Popping wheelies on their mopeds all over the shopping centre and generally making a ruddy nuisance of themselves.
I would advise you to steer clear of people like that, and if you are one of them, get yourself a sensible hobby, like normal men do. Like do it yourself or gardening, my Raymond was always doing himself in the garden shed. Or find yourself a nice young lass and settle down.
Four things that you might do this week. (i) Do a bit of Egyptology. There’s plenty of websites that will fill you in with all the information. I have even written little homilies on Howard Carter and the Pyramids myself. We can learn a lot from the ancient Egyptians. People don’t develop the skills and ingenuity to pull a corpses innards out through its ruddy nose without being ruddy clever beggars do they? (ii) Go and feed a horse. Yo cant be that far from a stables, horse farm or a gypsy site. They like apples, carrots and sugarlumps. But don’t stand behind one and cough loudly all of a sudden. My Raymond’s brother John did that once and he had to have his jaw wired up for six weeks afterwards. (iii) Go to the pub, but choose a nice one, where you can get a decent meal and a glass of sherry afterwards. And no defacing the sign outside. You are better than that. (iv) try and have a pleasant, quiet week, without too much excitement and showing off. Nobody likes a ruddy show off. I keep telling my nephew Michael that. The trouble is, it goes in one ear and out the other!