Auntie Doris’s Secrets of the Mystics #2: Telling A Fortune with Ordinary Playing Cards. Example

edmundsHave you been practicing your fortune telling skills? It isn’t necessary, but it might be an idea to take a look at last weeks article on telling a fortune with playing cards if you haven’t already. Any road, as promised, this week, just to show you how its done. I’ll pick three random cards and tell you a little story. For the sake of argument, I will pretend I am doing a reading for Noel Edmonds. Of course If I was doing Mary Whitehouse or David Cameroon or even someone I actually liked, the story would be different.

Card number one. Noel’s past. The ten of Diamonds! (No I really have drawn it randomly) Check my guide and it shows plenty of wealth. So i say something like “Noel, I can see that in your past you have accumulated great wealth. The Lord alone knows how you did it, but somehow, fortune has smiled upon you. You have been able to afford good holidays. Expensive haircuts, plastic surgery. Of course if it was a down and out in a frayed jacket sitting in front of me i would start with something like “In the past you had a lot more money than you have now. Or if it was some young student I would say “you come from a family where money was no problem. And if their face dropped I would instantly add. Thete may not always have been a lot, but it was never a real problem because you pulled through. As long as you keep that confident face you will be alright. Honestly.

Back to Noel.

Card number two. Noel at this moment it time. The six of Clubs. Check again. Illness at work. “You have not been feeling to well lately Noel, this might be affecting your work.” then you have to judge his reaction. He might agree straight away. “Yes my back’s been playing me up” if he doesn’t , keep on at him. Mention waking up in the middle of the night. Mention worry, if all else fails tell him that it might be something that he isn’t aware of just yet and strongly suggest he goes to the doctors. That’ll get the self satisfied so and so. Tell him to ask for a camera up his arse. Tell him that it is vitally important. Of course, if it wasn’t Noel, you probably wouldn’t be so cruel. Tell them not to worry, that it might just be a bit of indigestion or a virus that’s going around. Tell them that their body is probably dealing with it without them knowing. Whoever it is say something like “You have to be kind to yourself. if you want to continue living in the style that you are accustomed to, it is important that you look after your health.” That’s sound advice for anyone. But if Noel has been having a few twinges lately, he will probably think you are a genius. Good luck with that ruddy colonoscopy Edmonds!

Card number three. Noel’s Future. The ten of Hearts. Plenty of Love. Sodding Nora. That’s the trouble with genuinely drawing them randomly. Now I have to tell Noel Edmonds that he will receive plenty of love in the future. I didn’t want to boost his bloated ego any more than it is already bloated. But wait! There is a chance. “You are and always will be a much loved Person.” Now watch his face… “This will be made clear at your funeral where hundreds upon hundreds of people will remember your loveable character, how you made us laugh, genuinely cared about others. And held a special place in the nations hearts.” Because its Noel, don’t offer any comforting words, like “but that’s probably a long time in the future. You have just told the man that he needs to see a doctor. Its Noel Edmonds for crying out loud. Let him squirm!

If that hasn’t wiped the smirk off his orange face hit him with. Yes, it will be a lovely funeral, with many heartfelt tributes. Just like Jimmy Saville’s was.

You can have a lot of fun with this card reading lark. Good luck!

Auntie Doris in the 21st Century #6: Celebrities


Everyone seems to be ruddy well celebrity mad these days. I know that we had celebrities in my day. Norman Wisdom for a start, and Fanny Craddock, Mohammed Ali, Bing Crosby, Mike and Bernie Winters, they were all good at something. They had talent first and celebrity status second. Yes, I know that we liked to read a bit about them in the papers. But we weren’t celebrity mad. We didn’t want to know the ins and outs of everything to do with them. All the details of their love lives, how they were struggling with their diets, and who they had fallen out with. Basically we wanted to know if they were making another film, or record, or television programme. I never even knew that Liberace liked having carnal relations with men. Not that I would have been bothered if I did know. He was a ruddy good pianist and he had some lovely jewelry. That’s all I needed to know. We all knew that Morecambe and Wise slept together, but no one was bothered about that. They were funny men who made us laugh. We never even wondered what their wives thought of their sleeping arrangements. It was none of our ruddy business.
I suppose that the difference is that these days there are too many celebrities without any talent to speak of. Noel Edmonds, Jeremy Clarkson, Phil Collins, Fern Cotton, Christa Ackroyd, the list is endless. “Personalities,” not experts or entertainers. “personalities,” Celebrities” Nobody is really bothered when they are doing something new. They just want the ruddy gossip.
That’s where that Rupert Murdoch came unstuck. He got the people who worked for his newspaper “The News of the World” to tap the computerised telephones of celebrities and find out the stuff that they didn’t want us to know about. And the celebrities were up in arms about it. Phil Collins thought that his male pattern baldness was one of the best kept secrets in showbusiness, So did Noel Edmonds. And Jeremy Clarkson… Well, we all know what’s wrong with men who are obsessed with big cars, and I suppose that’s why he ordered them suction tubes from that clinic in London.
Any Road, there was questions asked in Parliament about it, and Murdoch had to pretend that he didn’t know what had been going on, and change the name of the “News of the World” to the “Sunday Sun” so that he could continue to print his salaciaous shite, but this time only finding it out by rifling through peoples dustbins rather than messing with their telephones.
So now the only people who are allowed to fiddle with peoples computerised telephones are the hackers on the internet. And they are so good at it, that Celebrities have had to stop taking photographs of themselves without any clothes on. Unless they actually want all and sundry to be slavering all over their images and thinking lewd thoughts.
Which I suppose most of them do. That’s why they became celebrities in the first place. Particularly Jeremy Clarkson. He ruddy revels in it. It makes him feel important in a way that his tiny little stump of a personality never could.