Auntie Doris’s Tarot Card of the Week #65 the Page of Cups: 25th January – 1st February 2015


They used to wrap fish and chips up in real newspapers. With old television and cinema listings and adverts and football results and allsorts on them. When I say old, I mean from a few weeks ago. Maybe a couple of months at most. But whenever me and Raymond had our fish and chips at Withernsea, we used to enjoy reading them. It was like looking back in time. Only a short way, but it felt good, while you were eating your chips. Then some ruddy jobsworth decided that there was something in the ink that might cause malignancy. So they had to buy blank newsprint rather than use unsold newspapers. So the price of your fish and chips went up a bit, and there was nothing to read while you ate them. Still… Those bits of paper that didn’t get fat all over them were good to give the kiddies something to draw on.
These days they use ruddy waxed paper cones which are printed to look like newspapers. Only there is no real news on them. Just some nonsense about how eating fish and chips is healthy. Of course it isn’t ruddy healthy. They wouldn’t taste so good if they were healthy. It isn’t about health. It’s about having a good time at the seaside.
It doesn’t look like the Page of cups has got any chips in his cone. And it’s not even done up like a newspaper. So he must have got it from some posh shop. Probably one of them Japanese Shushy shops, because it looks like the fish is still alive. That’s how the Japanese like to eat them apparently. I prefer mine with the heads chopped off to make sure that they are dead, filleted, and fried in batter. But it takes all kinds. My Raymond got a piece of Haddock from a fish and chip shop in Bridlington once. and it wasn’t cooked properly. It was all raw in the middle. The Japanese would have loved it, but you don’t get that many Japanese people in Bridlington, so the pigeons had it. We never went back to Bridlington after that. Which was a shame really because Edmundo Ros was on at the Spa the following year, and I would have liked to have seen him. I hope he didn’t try the fish and chips.
Still, they had a ventriloquist on at Withernsea with a dummy in a sailor suit. The ventriloquists lips moved all the time, but you didn’t notice if you looked at the dummy. He was funnier than Edmundo Ros would have been, and cheaper too. We bought an Edmundo Ros record from Woolworth’s with the money we saved. “Hair Goes Latin” they called it. My hair never did, but then I usually had my curlers in whenever I listened to it.
Four things that you might do this week. (i) treat yourself to some fish and chips. Unless you live in Bridlington. If you do, and you still want to treat yourself, I suggest you drive down to Withernsea. It’s only an hours drive down the B1242. Or you could try Hornsea, which is only half an hour the same way. Only I can’t speak for the quality of their fish and chips. (ii) If you are feeling adventurous, why not try some of that Japanese Shushy stuff. Apparently they do it in all the supermarkets now. They even kill the fish before they make it these days. Or you can get a vegetarian version where they have made artificial fish by whittling cucumbers or carrots or something. You wouldn’t get me eating stuff like that though. It’s unnatural. (iii) Listen to some Edmundo Ros. He used to do some lovely records of stuff in Latin. Not the language, the music. I think he was more Caribbean than Roman, but I could be wrong. It’s hard to tell these days. (iv) Get you hair done, or cut, or something. At a proper barbers. They need the money. There’s a recession on.

Auntie Doris’s Secrets of the Mystics #2: Telling a Fortune with Ordinary Playing Cards.

hand with cards illustration

I promised that I would explain this a few weeks ago, and my words were met with such an overwhelming response, that I suppose that I am going to have to do it.

There are loads of elaborate ways of telling peoples fortune with cards, tarot or not. You can lay them out in circles or in crosses, use ten, twelve or fifteen cards. Trust me, I am experienced in this. If you are learning the skill, the best way to go is with a simple three card reading. You draw them one by one and show them to the person one at a time whilst telling them a little story.

The first card represents something about their past, the second card represents something about them as they are now, the third card represents something about their future.

Trust me. Any old story will do. You will get the hang of it, and your subject will more than likely be looking for some grain of truth in what you are saying anyway. Say it with confidence, look them in the eye, and sound sure of yourself. You can’t fail. You already have them in front of you, so to some extent, you will know what sort of stories to avoid and what sort of stories to tell, from their age and appearance.

Not that I am saying its all Hocus Pocus though. Not at all. Through this process you are acting like a skilled psychiatrist would. You are using stories to unlock the truths buried deep within their mind. You will know when you are right. You will see it in their faces. Half the time they will help you to tell the story anyway.

Tarot cards are easy. They have little stories on them already. But have you seen the price of them these days? Twenty or thirty quid a ruddy pack! Wheras you can pick up a pack of playing cards in the shop on any caravan site in Britain for less than a tenth of the price.

You have to know your stories though, but don’t worry, it isn’t as hard as it sounds. You start with your own system. Something that works for you. Something that you can easily get started with under the pressure of a reading. Here’s my simple system.

Each of the suits represents a theme. Make it simple and easy to remember.

Hearts mean love. Diamonds mean wealth. Clubs mean conflict. Spades mean work.

Then each of the numbers and picture cards represent some variation within that theme.

An ace means one person. A two means a couple. Three is a crowd. Four is a warning (like they shout in golf before they hit the ball) Five means a favour (the cockneys would call it a fiver) Six is an illness (sicks) Seven means a reckoning (If you “get seven” someone “gets even”) Eight means satisfaction (you are satisfied when you have “ate” your dinner) Nine means a denial (from the German “Nein”) Ten means plenty. The Jack is a Knave, a mischievous rascal and a trickster. The Queen is a powerful woman. And the King is a powerful man. If you leave the jokers in you can call them fools and weave some idiocy into the story.

And that’s it. If you learn whats in those two paragraphs you can tell anyone’s fortune with a bit of practice.

Have a go at learning either my system or making your own up. Next time I will run through a simple reading with you, and show you how I would do it.

You might find this website useful if you can’t find a pack of cards in the site shop.