Auntie Doris’s Mysteries of the Unexplained #12: The Philadelphia Project.

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Albert Einstein reckoned that he knew how to make things invisible. He was a brainy bloke, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he could. He had some idea called Unified Field Theory. It had something to do with antigravity, and something to do with bending light around objects somehow. I don’t know. I’m not as brainy as Einstein.
The Nazis had been working on it during the war, they wanted to invent invisible gravity defying tanks, that they could float over the English Channel undetected and use to subordinate the British. It never came off though. Whilst visiting the research facility in Potsdam in 1941, Hitler accidentally spilled a pot of tea all over the only copy of the top secret plans after flying into a rage that the technique had not been perfected. The ink ran, and it was impossible to read them any more. They were ruined. When he was told that not one of the scientists in the whole facility could remember how to go about the job without the notes, he flew into another rage, and had them all shot. No wonder he lost the ruddy war. The man was impossible to work with. If he had flown into a rage with me and thought he could have me shot, he would have had another think coming. I would have hit him on the end of the nose with my soup spoon and told him that if he wanted to do some shooting, he could go and shoot himself. In the ruddy coal bunker!
Any road, Einstein and some other scientists who had fled to America decided to help the U.S. Navy conduct experiments in invisibility on one of their ships. The USS Eldridge. It was a massive ship. 300 feet long, full of sailors and bristling with guns.
Einstein and his pals set to work on it, installing some funny looking machinery which would disperse a fine spray of some substance around the whole ship. This spray would have to be the exact texture and thickness to be able to distort the light around the whole ship, making it seem as if it wasn’t there at all.
They tried all sorts of liquids and gels and different substances to create the spray with. Water was too thin, so was milky coffee, boot polish was too brown, and toothpaste too stripy. Eventually the came upon a substance that was just the right colour and texture: Cream cheese! The stage was set. The Philadelphia experiment was to take place on October the 28th 1943.
Einstein and President Roosevelt were stationed on another ship about half a mile away from the Eldridge. They were wearing special goggles to prevent the possibility of them getting tiny particles of cheese in their eyes. At exactly 7.00am Pacific Ridge Time Einstein pressed a little button which triggered the machinery on board the Eldridge. Amazingly, the ship seemed to shimmer a bit before completely disappearing! Roosevelt cheered and clapped Einstein on the back. It looked like there had been a total success.
After ten minutes, it shimmered back into sight. But it would never be the same ship again. Something had happened to the very atoms of the fabric which composed it. No longer was it made out of top quality metal, but some sort of metal/cheese substance, which started to crumble before their eyes.
Most of the sailors were rescued, but they too were changed forever. Their brains had developed holes in them in much the same way as some types of cheese has holes in it. They were shadows of their former selves, absent minded, forgetful, unable to concentrate on the simplest of activities for more than a few seconds.
The project was abandoned, and everyone involved including Einstein and Roosevelt, was hypnotised by the FBI so they wouldn’t remember anything about it. Then the FBI hypnotised each other, until the only person left who knew about it. Was the head of the FBI J. Edgar Hoover.
However, J Edgar Hoover’s brother in law knew a man who drove trucks, and in 1971, that man moved to England to start a lorry driving empire. He had a friend who knew a bloke who drank in the same pub as the cousin of someone who knew my Raymond.
And that, dear reader, is how I am able to tell you the true facts about the whole story.

Auntie Doris’s Mysteries of the Unexplained #11: Orgone Energy

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If someone in America discovered a safe and natural form of energy, as powerful in its own way as sunlight or the tides, and Albert Einstein himself said that it was a ruddy miracle, why on earth would they be branded as a scoundrel and sent to prison?
Could it be because of where the power came from? Some filthy minded so and sos just couldn’t cope with that kind of thing.
It was an Austrian bloke that discovered it, Wilhelm Reich. But he had been kicked out of the country when Hitler came to power, because they didn’t think much to his ideas either. What bothered them was that he had been doing some thorough scientific study of people having carnal relations with each other, and had discovered that when they had finished, and were having a smoke or something, that they were surrounded by a powerful energy field. He called this power “orgone.” He had made up the word by putting the words “orgasm” and “hormone” together. No wonder Hitler didn’t like it. But as it turned out, neither did ruddy Eisenhower. I would have thought that the Yanks would have been a bit more open minded, but there you go.
In the period after the War, Reichs had made great strides in the field of orgonology. He had started with the invention of the orgone box, from which the energy could be harvested. Two people would go into an orgone box and have carnal relations with each other, and the energy would be stored in the walls which were lined with wire wool and fluffy cotton. Then they could connect the whole box to the mains and use it like a giant battery for the rest of the day. As long as both people in the box had enjoyed themselves thoroughly enough, there would be enough power to light the average home for one evening, and have the radiogram on, or to run a two bar electric fire for about three quarters of an hour.
The trouble was that a lot of couples weren’t always in the mood at the same time, and this reduced the opportunities for generating energy.
So Reich developed the solo orgone box, where a person could go in and have carnal relations with themselves and create just enough energy to run the radiogram or the lights, or just the one bar on the electric fire.
I reckon that was what did it for Eisenhower. He didn’t like the idea of people having carnal relations with themselves. He thought that it was against the rules of common decency, and would eat away at the very fabric of American society. So he got Reichs arrested and had all his machines and research papers burned.
But Reichs carried on his work in secret though. Not only building more powerful boxes with which families with adolescent boys could run a chest freezer, electric oven and heat and light the home almost indefinitely, but designing a powerful orgone cloudbursting machine, which, once attached to a healthy mans knackers, could be pointed to the sky and cause it to rain. This could have prevented drought and eradicated starvation in the third world.
Reichs also claimed to have used this device to repel an invasion of cigar shaped saucer like objects containing silver men intent on sucking him off.
However, when Eisenhower found out what he was up to, he had him arrested and this time thrown into prison before once again, his work was destroyed.
Sadly Reichs died in prison. He had attempted to build a small orgone producing device in his cell, using, tinfoil, the cardboard tubes out of rolls of toilet paper, brillo pads, and cotton wool balls. Unfortunately after connecting it to his meat and two vegetables he made the wrong sort of connection to the mains, and electrocuted himself.
Or did he? Some say that he was too clever to have done anything so ruddy stupid. They clam that he was killed by the president, because he knew too much. Too much about alien life forms, too much about cheap power generation, or too much about how they kept the light on in the Whitehouse. Who knows? Its just another mystery of the unexplained.