Auntie Doris’s Tarot Card of the Week #75 The Six Of Cups 6th 12th April 2015

6 Cups Aren’t little kiddies lovely? That Michael Jackson certainly thought so. But then again I always had a funny feeling about him. I don’t think he was quite as he seemed. To hear him talk, he had a nice attitude to kiddies. He thought that they were innocent, refreshing, open, honest, playful and generally a pleasure to be around. But you get the impression that he had some darker thoughts about them an’all. The filthy so and so. Besides. In general kiddies may be considered lovely. But there is always the exception that proves the rule. Every now and then you come across a vicious little bugger who would spit in your eye as soon as look at you and generally has no respect for their elders. Of course that’s not the natural state of kiddies. I blame the parents, pop music and ITV. If parents restricted kiddie’s access to pop music and ITV, then the world would be a much better place. I am convinced of it. If I was the prime minister I would invest heavily in the BBC and Easy Listening. In fact I will stick my neck out here and say that a Britain dominated by the BBC and Easy Listening would be admired around the world rather than being the laughing stock it is today. Any road. The kiddies in this picture come from an age before pop music, ITV, the BBC or Easy listening. They find their entertainment in nature and gentle play, smelling flowers, giving gifts, and generally being pleasant to one another. Of course, they are kiddies, and the world isn’t a paradise. gentle play, smelling flowers, giving gifts, and generally being pleasant to one another. Of course, they are kiddies, and the world isn’t a paradise. You can still see a bloke carrying a pikestaff or something in the background, walking towards a building which could easily be a prison tower. He is probably guarding some Michael Jackson type figure in there, both for his own safety and so that the kiddies can continue to play nicely without him disturbing them. In them days They wouldn’t have encouraged him by letting him release pop records and go on the ITV to play them to people. Ohh no. Although, in a chilling nod to the Peter Pan Prince of Pop, the little girl in the picture has a single white glove on her left hand. But perhaps I am reading too much into it. She might have just got some hot cakes out of the oven or something. Four things that you might do this week: (i) Do something nice for some kiddies. Buy them some sweets (sugar free of course). Make sure that their parents know what you are doing though. It’s a, crying shame, but people have some funny ideas these days and your intentions might be misinterpreted. I blame Pop music and ITV, myself. (ii) Listen to some easy listening. A bit of James Last or Klaus Wunderlich (the famous German cunnilinguist) or even Perry Como. You can’t go wrong. (iii) Take a tip from the kiddies and try and enjoy the simple pleasures of life. Go for a nature walk, pick some flowers, build a den, try and ride a bicycle whilst you are holding the front wheel a foot above the road surface. You will feel much better for it, Unless you fall off and smash your ruddy pelvis to smithereens. (iv) Bake some cakes. Cake mix is cheap nowadays, and you only need to add an egg and some flavouring. My favourite flavouring is Sherry!

Auntie Doris’s Mysteries of the Unexplained #7: Uri Geller

imageHe is a ruddy marvel that Uri Geller. He has special psychic powers. He can bend spoons and stuff. He can tell what drawings people did in other rooms are of , even when they are placed in thick, sealed envelopes. He can make watches that have stopped going go again, and… well… he can bend knives and forks an’all… Probably.
Imagine having special powers like that; Knowing what is going on in people’s minds! Bending metal without the use of force! Mysteriously repairing machinery!
Imagine what you could do with powers like that! You could have a good stab at ending war by bending all guns and weapons and stuff. You could have a good crack at bringing peace to regions like the Middle East by working out what was on the minds of people like Bejamin Netanyahu and Khaled Mashal. You could have a go at helping third world nations by repairing farm machinery and stuff that they couldn’t afford to replace.
But what has ruddy Uri Geller actually done with his powers? Well.. He’s bent a few spoons, predicted what people have drawn in other rooms and placed into thick sealed envelopes, and made a few stopped watches go again. Ohh.. And he has bent a few knives and forks an’all. Probably.
I have to be fair though. He has tried to achieve one or two things that would actually make a difference in the world. Once, he tried to help Exeter City by placing crystal balls behind the goals for a game against Chester City which they absolutely needed to win. They lost 5-1. But he still took the credit for helping them avoid being relegated from the league by the skin of their teeth.
They didn’t actually get relegated from the football league until the 2001-02 season, which was coincidentally the year that he became their co-chairman, and appointed Michael Jackson as an honoury director. Yes, that ruddy Michael Jackson who did thriller and bad and accidentally died of an overdose of horse tranquilizers, or something. Apparently Uri Geller was a good friend of his. They probably swapped health advice tips and stuff. Any road, I wouldn’t go looking down my nose at either of them. Either one of them made more money that I ever did put together.
I actually bent a spoon myself once. It was a soup spoon by the name of Dreadnaught. And I don’t care what the scientists say about the metal being warmed, what with it being placed in my knickers for the hour or so before the phenomenon occurred. My Raymond’s brother John was coming over all unnecessarily frisky, and I smashed him so hard on the bell end with my soup spoon that the spoon was well bent and the bell had a big dint in it. He didn’t bother me again, but I never got to go on the ruddy television and show my powers to Russell Harty either. Mind you, he’d probably had enough, what with Grace Jones and Rod Hull and Emu.