All the best for 2015! (New Years Revolutions)


Here we go again. The end of another ruddy year, where you are traditionally supposed to look backwards and forwards at the same time, remember the best and the worst of the past twelve months and look forward to the next twelve. Then you are supposed to make ruddy revolutions about what you are going to do differently in the future.
Well, to be honest with you, I thought 2014 was a lovely year. I know that my nephew pushed me a bit. But I wrote a cart load of memoirs, stories and little homilies, and hopefully gave a fair few people the benefit of my wisdom. I also made quite a few friends out of it. Internetty friends, but friends all the same, and people who write memoirs, stories and little homilies that I have enjoyed reading.
I had some good fun manifesting myself at a few different functions in 2014 as well, where I told people’s fortunes, pulled raffle tickets, and even met a pop star who has apparently played at the Albert Hall in London and starred in a film about himself that opened at Leicester Square in London. To be honest with you though. I don’t think these pop stars are all they are cracked up to be. He seemed a queer sort of a stick to me.
So.. My revolutions for 2015.
Number One: Stop trusting my nephew to do anything properly. Did you see what he did last Sunday? I had left him two tarot card articles to put out this week and next. The ruddy silly idiot only went and put them both out on the same day. What does he think it is? The Christmas edition of the Radio Times? That’s my week off up the Swanee.
Number Two: Get some of my stuff published. This will be hard, as I will have to depend on that nephew again, and sometimes I think that he is more bothered about his pop music and his ruddy poetry than he is about me.
And whilst we are on the subject of my nephew…
Number Three: Make sure that he cuts his ruddy toenails more often. I am sick and tired of manifesting myself in tights that he has laddered to high heaven with those razor sharp things growing out of the end of his feet. If I had a few snakes tattooed on my legs, kiddies could play a ruddy board game on my lower half.
And that’s about it really. It doesn’t do to be making too many of them revolutions. It only gets you down in the ruddy mouth when you don’t keep them. I wrote a few a articles about New Years Revolutions the other year, where I gave advice and help to those wanting to do things a bit differently in the future. They are available to read through my archive system along with loads of other old nonsense.
So I will love you and leave you, and hope that you have a lovely new year and achieve all that you wish for in 2015. Unless you wish for anything mean and nasty and violent of course. It’s alright that Walt Disney saying “When you wish upon a star your dreams come true” but who is to say that Hitler didn’t wish upon a ruddy star eh? No, the way I see it, you want to make sure that your dreams are reasonable and proportionate first, just like your New Years Revolutions should be. Otherwise you run the risk of ending up topping yourself in a coal bunker in the ruins of Berlin. Or some ruddy where.
Happy New Year!

Auntie Doris’s Tarot Card of the Week #35: Strength – 30th June – 6th July 2014


A week has passed for you since my last Tarot card, dear reader. But not for me. For me it is still last week. I thought that I had better get two done at once, because my nephew Michael is going to London for some silly ruddy reason next Sunday, and even if I do manage a manifestation, he won’t want to be messing about with ruddy Tarot Cards. He’ll be too busy riding on the tube trains and looking for ruddy celebrities, like Peter Purvis and Derek Jacobi.
Lord give me strength: which is amazingly the tarot card I have just pulled out of the 45 card remainder of my pack.
And look at the lass in the strength card, tickling a lion’s chin and stroking its nose. It’s a wonder that she has any fingers left, carrying on like that. The lion looks like he’s ruddy loving it though, with his great lalloping tongue licking her wrist and it’s eyes looking up at her adoringly.
You know when you look at this card that it isn’t talking about strength in the traditional sense. Otherwise the lass in it would be pulling a lorry along with her teeth, tearing a telephone directory in half, or at least struggling to keep the lion still whilst she forced its jaws open. No, this card is about strength of character and bravery. This is the kind of lass who is strong enough to gain the trust and friendship of a fierce creature, without running away the first time it growls. The sort of lass who would take up with one of those motorcyclists and find out that underneath his crash helmet and leather jacket, he had a heart of gold.
My Raymond’s friend Herbert was a motorcyclist, but he had a white helmet with leather ear flaps and used to wear a sensible brown terylene jacket when he was out on his bike. He did let me have a go in his side car once though, but he was a proper gentleman, and didn’t take advantage even after he had pushed it up to forty five and the vibrations had made me go all gooey. Make no mistake, I would have gripped his throttle if he had asked me to, and given it a good twist an’all.
Any road, this card represents someone with strength, determination, kindness and patience. Look at the infinity thing above her head. That’s how much patience she has. Ruddy loads of it. If that beast thinks she is going to give up on him, she can think again!
Four things that you might to this week. (i) Go for a ride on a motorbike. If you haven’t got one, and can’t persuade someone to take you out on one, there are usually simulations to be had at the local amusement arcade. Get one of those between your legs and feel the throb! (ii) Try and befriend a wild animal. Even if it just means leaving a saucer of cat food out for a hedgehog in the garden. Don’t go leaving milk, they’re Lactose intolerant! That’s a start, we can’t all be ruddy lion tamers. (iii) take a trip to London, or somewhere where you might spot a few celebrities. Drop me a line if you see anyone good. I saw Arthur Askey the other week, he was having his feet done at my local Chiropodist. Nice bloke. (iv) Cultivate the art of patience. Make having to wait or work hard for something a thing to enjoy in itself.