Auntie Doris’s Tarot Card of the Week #71 The King of Wands 9-15th March 2015

King Wands

King of Ruddy Wands. You know he is going to be a disappointment before you have even met him. Like that king Dong fellow, or Big John Holmes. All wand and not much ruddy magic. You know the type. All their brains are in their bell end and if they try to use it properly, more often than not, they will pass out from expending the effort because they haven’t got enough blood to service their how’s your father and the rest of their body at the same time.

Like that Jeremy ruddy Clarkson. Not that he has much of an how’s your father, or so I’ve heard. Apparently it’s not like the king of wands, not even a king prawn, but just an ordinary prawn; “prawnus minimus” as the Romans used to say. But that’s not the point. The fact is that his head is that big that it takes a big proportion of his blood to get his brain working on anything more complicated than talking about cars and being mildly offensive. If he tries to think about much else, he faints. Poor so and so.

The he thing with the King of Wands is it represents dysmorphia. That’s when you are not happy with how your body looks. You can tell that the king on this card isn’t happy. Look at the way he is holding his ruddy wand. That’s not a proud grip, it’s a limp wristed effort. And look at the way he is regarding it with disdain. That’s just the disdainful way that I used to regard my Raymond’s wand when I was wondering whether it was worth going to the effort of keeping him sweet.

The thing is, that if you start regarding yourself with disdain, then you are not going to look after yourself properly. See that little lizard thing in the foreground, looking hungrily at the kings wand? It’s thinking that if the king is regarding his wand with a face like that, he might not mind a lizard nibbling on it. He might not even notice until  it’s too ruddy late and there are little lizard teethmarks all along the length of it, and it’s no longer fit for ruddy purpose.

i’m not saying that all neglected wands are prone to attracting lizards, but everyone knows about the risk of crabs. And beside that there’s ringworms, threadworms, athlete’s shaft, and all sorts of other infections and pestilence to beware of. And that’s just a wand. If you are the proud owner of a tuppence or a pair of milkies, they are just as vulnerable if you turn dysmorphia on them. So if you draw this card, think on.

Four things that you might do this week. (i) learn to love your body. Whatever cards you have been dealt, they are the ones you have to play with. There’s not much use in deciding that you aren’t happy with this that or the other, unless you are a ruddy rich masochist who can afford that plastic surgery. And heaven knows that can have tragic results. Look at what happened to that Michael Jackson. He changed ruddy colour and couldn’t do a thing with his hairs afterwards. And he had to hold his nose in place with an elastic band. (ii) treat yourself to a nice hot bath. Put some bath salts in it an’all. Only don’t go washing your hair in it if it’s got bath salts in. It makes it go all dry and bitty. Don’t go accidentally drinking any of it with bath salts in either. That can drive you doollalley. And besides, it’s addictive. Stick to the sherry. (iii) Put some cream on your bits, to ward off lizards, crabs, prawns and Jeremy Clarkson and his ilk. To be honest I would rather have a lizard messing about with my bits than that Jeremy Clarkson. He makes my ruddy flesh crawl he does. (iv) Remember that you are beautiful in your own way, like that Ray Stevens usee to say before he turned filthy and got obsessed with people running around without any clothes on.

Auntie Doris’s Tarot Card of the Week #63 The Eight of Wands – 12th – 18th January 2015


Auntie Doris’s Tarot Card of the Week #63 the Eight of Wands: 12th – 18th January 2015

Eight stout staffs, bursting with new life out of the ends of them. But look at the ruddy angle they are positioned in. They are pointing downwards. You can’t see what’s going on with the other end of them either. They are either being held by eight (or possibly four) people who can’t manage to hold them up properly any more. Or they have been thrown like javelins and have been up and are now doing the downward bit of their path.

The thing is, most of us like our wands at a jauntier angle than that. They remind me of that old time actor from the films. King Dong. He had an immense wand, but when it was fully extended , he couldn’t manage to get it to much more of an angle than the ones on this card. If he did he would have fainted due to their not being enough blood left in the rest of his body to provide his brain with fresh oxygen. After the novelty had worn off, all his leading ladies got bored and went back to more traditional actors such as Ronald Regan or Rondo Hatton. Let’s be honest, it’s more of an angle of dangle than an angle of elevation. And its bad enough iwhen a bloke rolls over and goes to sleep the minute he has finished his business, but its even worse if he faints in the middle of it due to a reduced blood supply to his cranium.

As the old adage goes… “It’s not the size of your equipment that matters, but what you can manage to do with it. Mind you, there are some people with miniscule equipment and they can’t even manage to operate that properly. My Raymond couldn’t even get a panel pin into the wall to hang a ruddy calendar on without bending the ruddy thing out of all recognition, creating a hole the size of an old penny piece and getting plaster all over the knick knacks on my mantelpiece. Nobody likes grit all over their knick knacks either. I certainly didn’t.

If you draw this card, I’m afraid it points downwards, perhaps to old age, decreasing powers, and the need for a change in lifestyle. But don’t worry. There’s still green shoots on them ruddy wands. And as another old adage goes… “There’s many a good tune played on an old fiddle.

Four Things that you might do this week (i) Make sure that all your equipment is in full working order, and that you are able to tackle any job that you might embark upon. If you can’t, then make sure that you know a good tradesman who can do the work for you. If your wife likes her beef dripping, send her to the butchers. (ii) Make sure that you keep a good supply of oxygen to your brain. This might be as simple as making sure that you go out for regular long walks in the fresh air or sleep with the windows open. But for some people it may mean minor surgery “down below” (iii) Make sure that your knick knacks are clean and in good order. This may involve flicking a feather duster over them once in a while, but if there are any stubborn spots which are in particular need of attention, you might need to lick the end of your finger and give them a vigorous rubbing. (iv) If all else fails, remember that not everyone can continue with the pursuits of their youth as their dotage approaches. Consider taking up a new hobby, basket weaving, crocheting doilies or doing word searches are all great comforts to those who have reduced abilities in other areas of life.