Auntie Doris’s Secrets of the Mystics #2: Telling A Fortune with Ordinary Playing Cards. Example

edmundsHave you been practicing your fortune telling skills? It isn’t necessary, but it might be an idea to take a look at last weeks article on telling a fortune with playing cards if you haven’t already. Any road, as promised, this week, just to show you how its done. I’ll pick three random cards and tell you a little story. For the sake of argument, I will pretend I am doing a reading for Noel Edmonds. Of course If I was doing Mary Whitehouse or David Cameroon or even someone I actually liked, the story would be different.

Card number one. Noel’s past. The ten of Diamonds! (No I really have drawn it randomly) Check my guide and it shows plenty of wealth. So i say something like “Noel, I can see that in your past you have accumulated great wealth. The Lord alone knows how you did it, but somehow, fortune has smiled upon you. You have been able to afford good holidays. Expensive haircuts, plastic surgery. Of course if it was a down and out in a frayed jacket sitting in front of me i would start with something like “In the past you had a lot more money than you have now. Or if it was some young student I would say “you come from a family where money was no problem. And if their face dropped I would instantly add. Thete may not always have been a lot, but it was never a real problem because you pulled through. As long as you keep that confident face you will be alright. Honestly.

Back to Noel.

Card number two. Noel at this moment it time. The six of Clubs. Check again. Illness at work. “You have not been feeling to well lately Noel, this might be affecting your work.” then you have to judge his reaction. He might agree straight away. “Yes my back’s been playing me up” if he doesn’t , keep on at him. Mention waking up in the middle of the night. Mention worry, if all else fails tell him that it might be something that he isn’t aware of just yet and strongly suggest he goes to the doctors. That’ll get the self satisfied so and so. Tell him to ask for a camera up his arse. Tell him that it is vitally important. Of course, if it wasn’t Noel, you probably wouldn’t be so cruel. Tell them not to worry, that it might just be a bit of indigestion or a virus that’s going around. Tell them that their body is probably dealing with it without them knowing. Whoever it is say something like “You have to be kind to yourself. if you want to continue living in the style that you are accustomed to, it is important that you look after your health.” That’s sound advice for anyone. But if Noel has been having a few twinges lately, he will probably think you are a genius. Good luck with that ruddy colonoscopy Edmonds!

Card number three. Noel’s Future. The ten of Hearts. Plenty of Love. Sodding Nora. That’s the trouble with genuinely drawing them randomly. Now I have to tell Noel Edmonds that he will receive plenty of love in the future. I didn’t want to boost his bloated ego any more than it is already bloated. But wait! There is a chance. “You are and always will be a much loved Person.” Now watch his face… “This will be made clear at your funeral where hundreds upon hundreds of people will remember your loveable character, how you made us laugh, genuinely cared about others. And held a special place in the nations hearts.” Because its Noel, don’t offer any comforting words, like “but that’s probably a long time in the future. You have just told the man that he needs to see a doctor. Its Noel Edmonds for crying out loud. Let him squirm!

If that hasn’t wiped the smirk off his orange face hit him with. Yes, it will be a lovely funeral, with many heartfelt tributes. Just like Jimmy Saville’s was.

You can have a lot of fun with this card reading lark. Good luck!

Auntie Doris’s Tarot Card of the Week #64 The Six of Swords – 19th – 25th January 2015

Swords06Its ruddy dangerous to transport swords on a boat by sticking them in the floor of the ruddy thing. It’s obvious when you think about it. But the bloke on this card obviously hasn’t thought about it. Typical ruddy man. All hell and no notion. “What do you want to go punting six ruddy swords over the boating lake for anyway?” That’s what his wife has asked him. “You could have asked the bloke who sold you the ticket if he would let you keep them in his little hut. He could have kept an eye on them for you.” But oh no… asking for help is not an option for a bloke like that. Then the little kiddie has chipped in “I don’t like having the boat full of swords daddy. one of them might fall over and cut me”

You can tell that he has snapped at them both. Told them to shut up. If they are going for a ride on the boating lake, they are going to do it his way, and they are taking them ruddy swords with them whether they like it or not. He doesn’t want the man in the ticket hut eyeing them covetously, and fiddling about with them.

It was supposed to be a nice day out at the seaside. But then they called in at a car boot sale just outside of Scarborough and he just had to buy them swords, because the old bloke that was selling them obviously didn’t realise their true value and it was a chance in a million…

…To own six swords… The Lord alone knows what he thinks he is going to do with them. He wouldn’t leave them in the car, because they wouldn’t fit in the boot properly so they would have had to go on the back seat, and if the wrong type of person saw them, he might have put the window through and pinched them.

The thing was… he was a nice bloke before he clapped eyes on them swords.

Anyway. It’s ruined the boating lake for them all. They are just going through the motions now. Hurt, angry and silent. You can see that he is dipping his pole into choppy waters. But to the left are still waters. The still waters of cold sulky silence. They will go home shortly after the boat man calls them in. They will go home in silence. He will carry the swords in to the garage in silence, and probably leave them there. Until the day comes that he gets rid of them at a car boot sale, maybe even for slightly less than he paid for them.

Four things that you might do this week… (i) Don’t make any rash purchases. Buy in haste, regret at leisure. Ask yourself whether you really need those heated hair curlers, or that toastie maker, or that personal massager out of the chums catalogue. Take it from me, the Good Lord made those hard to reach places hard to reach for a reason. You are better off keeping your money in your pocket and only buying things that you actually need. (ii) If you are going on a journey over water, don’t take unnecessary luggage. You can generally get all you need into a reasonably sized bag that you can easily carry. These days there’s a network of corner shops and convenience stores stretching all over the globe. Or at least to anywhere that the likes of you and me are likely to go. So you will never be too far away from the necessities. And ruddy swords are never necessities. (iii) Be nice to your friends and family. Have a little patience. Nobody likes being snapped at. If you start feeling tetchy, go and have a lie down. Or at least a sit down, if lying down is impractical. The last thing you want to do if you are feeling tetchy and irritable, is confine yourself and the very people who are getting on your nerves to a small space such as a telephone box, or a caravan, or a boat which is already half full of swords. (iv) Try and have a nice day out. And take it easy. No buying anything but food and drink. I would recommend cocoa and ice cream. If the weather isn’t very nice, there are always cafés which provide both of these commodities, and will be happy to sell them to you.