Auntie Doris in the 21st Century #2: Computerised Telephones

imageI haven’t been dead that long that they didn’t even have carphones when I was alive. But they were chunky enough not to fit in your pocket properly, and all they were good for was phoning people up on, and when you think about it, that’s what telephones are for, after all. It was normally only ruddy show offs who had one any road. People with more money than sense. Then surprise, surprise, my Nephew Michael got himself one. So they must have got cheaper, because he doesn’t need to have all that much money before he has got more of it than he has sense. By the time he got one, you didn’t have to ring people up on them, you could “text” them. Although why anyone would want to go through all that rigmarole of pressing all those fiddly little buttons just so that they could send a bit of ruddy writing to someone, The Lord alone knows. By the time you had finished you might as well have rung them up and said your piece.
Any road. When I look at the carphones people have these days, I can’t ruddy well believe it. You don’t even have to have a car. Even little kiddies have the ruddy things, and they aren’t just telephones any more. You can watch the ruddy television on them and everything. They are like tiny little computers that people carry around in their pockets. And my nephew tells me that they are a hundred times more powerful than the old Amstrads that Alan Sugars invented, before he went all celebrity and started telling everyone that they were “fired” with his big cauliflower face looking all serious.
The thing with these modern computerised telephones, is that people can’t leave the ruddy things alone. It would be fair enough if they left them in their pockets until someone phoned them up, or they wanted to make a telephone call. But ohh no. They have to be taking them out every five minutes to check the weather forecast, or look at the ruddy football results, or put a photograph of their dinner on the Facebook. Aye, there’s ruddy cameras on them an’all.
It won’t be long before some bright spark makes himself a fortune by inventing a special kind of Facebook just for people who want to take pictures of their dinner. They could call it the Dinner Register, and people could “like” each other’s dinners on it, just by pressing a little button. Although it would be difficult to like somebody’s dinner if you couldn’t actually eat it. Besides, if it’s only a photograph, how could you tell that it hadn’t gone cold? Or if there was too much salt in the gravy?
Probably it won’t be too long before they have computerised telephones that are so powerful that you can actually taste other people’s dinners on it. Maybe that would go a long way to curing world starvation. All you would have to do was to buy everyone who lived in famine stricken areas a carphone, and they would be able to eat the dinners that people uploaded onto the Dinner Register on it.
It seems to me that people are much happier to try and solve the worlds problems if they can do it by fiddling about with their carphones anyway. So that’s a sure fire way to get them solved.

Auntie Doris in the 21st Century # 1: Facebook

If I was alive I would have celebrated my hundredth birthday the other week. What am I saying? I did celebrate it, even though I died in 1995. You can still celebrate your birthdays on the other side, as well as the day that you passed over. I never got a telegram from the ruddy Queen though. She only does the living.
Any road, what I am trying to say is that I spent my entire life in the twentieth century, and now, with the twenty first well underway, the world is changing so fast that I feel increasingly left behind. If I came back to live there now, I would probably be way out of my depth. Most of the people I used to know have passed over anyway. I just like to keep in touch as a sort of an hobby, because I can. Besides, I think that my nephew Michael would be lost without me. He never had half as many literary accomplishments until he made contact with me. Now he has co written a history of the twentieth century, and plenty else besides. Well, I let him take the lions share of the credit. I don’t need credit. why would I? I’m ruddy dead. Remember?
Obviously, one of the big things that has taken off since my day is that internet that everybody is on these days. In fact, if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t have hardly any friends at all in the world of the living. But now I have hundreds. Mostly on the Facebook, ( but then our Michael made me do the WordPress as well, because he thought it attracted a higher class of punter. He always was a bit of a ruddy snob that one)
I actually prefer the Facebook myself. And you would be amazed how many people on there are actually dead. All you need to do is possess someone’s body for long enough to log on and type up your status thing, and you are doing it. Facebooking, as they call it these days. There are even some clever beggars over here who don’t even need to possess one of the living. That can just somehow manipulate all the electrics that the internet is made of and do it themselves. The thing is that most of them pretend to be someone who is still alive, or pretend to be someone who is still alive pretending to be someone who is dead. Which is complicated. Not many actually come out in the open and declare their deceased status like me. You get the story straight from me.
I don’t reckon that it will be long before there is a dead people’s pride movement, and lots of us come out of the closet, so to speak. “Glad to be Dead!” “Proud to have passed over!” It’ll not be long before there is a “Facebook of the Dead” where the dead can meet the living as equals. I think that the Buddhists already have something like that. “The Tibetan Fcebook of the Dead” they call it. I reckon that some young entrepreneur will set one up for non Buddhists and make a packet. Not my ruddy nephew though. He hasn’t got the technical knowhow. And don’t go looking at me. I’m happy enough helping him out with his literary aspirations. I’m not making him a ruddy dot com millionaire into the bargain!