Auntie Doris’s Tarot card of the Week #49: the Knight of Wands. 6-12th October 2014

image The knight of ruddy wands. The height of virility. Look at his rampant horse rearing up. I once went in a pub called the Rampant Horse. Some ruddy distant relative of my Raymond had a birthday party in there. It was full of young lads rearing up all over the place. Filthy little so and so’s. And they didn’t even do sherry behind the bar. I didn’t stay in there for long. I can tell you. It had a big picture of a rampant horse outside an all. Properly rampant it was, like it was stood upright on two legs. Some filthy minded individual had drawn something rude on it with one of them aerosol cans. Polluting everybody’s minds and the ruddy ozone layer into the bargain an’all.
And that’s the Knight of wands for you. Virile, and rampant, and capable. But ruddy immature and filthy minded.
And he’s gone to ruddy Egypt an’all. Look! You can see the pyramids in the background. But you can bet that he hasn’t gone there to study the tombs of the sodding pharaohs. Oh no. He’ll have gone on one of them “Club carnal knowledge2 holidays, hoping to have it off with a load of young lasses, whilst taking drugs and listening to throbbing ruddy music more than likely. That’s what all the young lads were after in the Rampant Horse. Them that wasn’t adding their artwork to the sign outside, any road.
The only difference between the Knight of Wands and the young lads these days, is that nowadays lads are not as good at horsemanship. Mind you they are still ruddy show offs. Popping wheelies on their mopeds all over the shopping centre and generally making a ruddy nuisance of themselves.
I would advise you to steer clear of people like that, and if you are one of them, get yourself a sensible hobby, like normal men do. Like do it yourself or gardening, my Raymond was always doing himself in the garden shed. Or find yourself a nice young lass and settle down.
Four things that you might do this week. (i) Do a bit of Egyptology. There’s plenty of websites that will fill you in with all the information. I have even written little homilies on Howard Carter and the Pyramids myself. We can learn a lot from the ancient Egyptians. People don’t develop the skills and ingenuity to pull a corpses innards out through its ruddy nose without being ruddy clever beggars do they? (ii) Go and feed a horse. Yo cant be that far from a stables, horse farm or a gypsy site. They like apples, carrots and sugarlumps. But don’t stand behind one and cough loudly all of a sudden. My Raymond’s brother John did that once and he had to have his jaw wired up for six weeks afterwards. (iii) Go to the pub, but choose a nice one, where you can get a decent meal and a glass of sherry afterwards. And no defacing the sign outside. You are better than that. (iv) try and have a pleasant, quiet week, without too much excitement and showing off. Nobody likes a ruddy show off. I keep telling my nephew Michael that. The trouble is, it goes in one ear and out the other!

Auntie Doris’s Tarot Card of the Week #48: The Chariot. 29th September -5th October 2014

If you ask me, it’s a ruddy funny looking chariot on this card. The bloke in it is stood up and it looks like he is encased in a concrete block. And what are them two sphincters doing in front of it. They don’t look like they are pulling it along. They look more like they are lolling about in the road playing with their tails. And the white one on the right reminds me of the lass from Devizes (who’s bosoms were different sizes.)
Its a proper conundrum this card.
I reckon that what with the Egyptian theme, and the fact that it’s about transportation, it represents the possibility of a holiday, somewhere warm and Exotic. Maybe Torquay. Apparently they have real Palm trees there.
The bloke up to his waist in the chariot is definitely a magician of some sort what with that wand thing in his hand and those starry curtains. And he is parked in front of water, which could suggest the seaside again. Them Sphincters might represent the black and white minstrels. I used to like them, before we found out that they were racialist. I used to enjoy it when they sang about “dem golden slippers” and the “Swanee River.” Of course I used to think it was a bit strange that they blacked their faces up. But as far as I was concerned, if that was what they wanted to do, then I wasn’t going to hold it against them. I’m sure that deep down they were just the same as everyone else. All men have the capacity to be harmlessly stupid. Some like to wear knickers and tights, and some want to black up and wear straw hats. Strange, but true.
Any road. If you draw this card, I reckon that you need a holiday. Plan some time to take it easy. Go and see a variety show. Relax. Let your Sphincters relax an’all. You have been bottling things up for far too long. Let your Sphincters relax and all your troubles will come tumbling out, and can be flushed away. You will feel better for it. You can start afresh, with a clean slate.
Four things that you might do this week. (i) go and see a live performance of something. It doesn’t have to be Verdi’s Rigatoni or anything. It could just be one of them bukkake singers at the local pub. The thing is, enjoy a performance. It’ll please you, and the performers. (ii) buy yourself some new slippers. They don’t have to be golden ones, but if they have some at the local shoe shop, why not? Treat yourself! (iii) dress up as something you’re not. Fancy dress if you like. Cross gender, cross race? As long as you are appreciating and not taking the Mickey, where’s the harm in it? (iv) Write a limerick. Why not? It’s fun. You can post your effort in the comments here if you want. I’d like to read what you think up…. I’ll start if off if you like…
“There once was a…” There you go… Now it’s your turn.