Auntie Doris in the 21st Century #4: The War on Horror


That George W Bush. What a president! He was born to do the job! It was a classic case of following in your father’s footsteps. Even if he hadn’t actually won that presidential election back in the year 2000, the results would more than likely have been ruddy well rigged somehow so that he got in anyway. It was inevitable that he would take his place in history.
How he took that place was by taking a stand against monsters and evil. He drew a line in the sand, said “enough is enough,” and started the War on Horror.
As far as George W was concerned, the likes of Frankenstein, Dracula, the Werewolf and the Mummy had been frightening good honest law abiding citizens for far too long. Some commentators suggest that this had something to do with the fact that his own personal Mummy, Barbara Bush, looked a bit like a frightening Monster herself, however, she was quite a nice person compared to some American First Ladies, who wanted to stop women having the right to choose anything, and prevent men having carnal relations with each other, even if they both wanted to.
What really frightened George W was the possibility of a Zombie apocalypse, with horrible monsters in charge of legions of the living dead, feasting on the brains of Republican voters, and bankrupting health insurance companies, who would have to foot the bill of stitching the tops of everybody’s heads up (unless they could prove that they weren’t properly insured, which they probably would have)
Any road, when the War on Horror was declared, Frankenstein thought that he was safe, holed up in a disused windmill somewhere. But he didn’t reckon with the Americans having heat seeking missiles capable of pinpointing his location and blowing it to Kingdom Come. That grinning Tony Blair let them fire the missiles from the garden of Ten Downing Street in London an’all.
They were a lot less accurate with Dracula. Accusing the district of Transylvania of harbouring him, they carpet bombed the whole area, without waiting for a New Year’s revolution to say that they could. This obviously had nothing to do with the rich mineral resources in the region, neither, so don’t even think it.
The werewolf was caught hidden in an underground bunker, and shot with a silver bullet out of his own gun. Only the Mummy survives. This is because it is thought to be hiding in the pyramids which are listed buildings, so the Americans aren’t allowed to bomb them, without a special dispensation from the National Trust.
Meanwhile, without access to their traditional leaders, the Zombie hordes have been finding it difficult to organise a proper apocalypse. But they are far from defeated though and still manage to infect law abiding people with their undemocratic ideas.
That President Obama that they have those days doesn’t like talking about the War on Horror. He prefers to call his monster bashing expeditions obscene creature operations or OCOs.
I can’t fathom out how theses missions will ever be successful in the long term. Because everyone knows that you can’t properly kill a zombie. There will always be more rising to take its ruddy place. But then I suppose, that actually working with monsters and ghoulish creatures, and trying to understand them might be a bit too much to ask.
Like I keep saying. I’m better off on the other ruddy side, me.