Auntie Doris’s Tarot Card of the Week #51: The Five of Pentacles – 20th – 26th October 2014


Of course, I have an international readership these days, with people going on the Internet in both hemispheres and all the ruddy continents to receive my help advice and wisdom. So when I draw a card like the five of Pentacles, and reflect that the nights are drawing in, and winter is on its way, my readers in the antipodes will wonder what the sodding Nora I am on about.
Of course, when you are a world renowned Tarot Card reader and your punters wonder what the sodding Nora you are on about, you have to fall back on the knowing smile and reference to metaphor. ( whatever that is, when it’s all at home) Look them in the eye and say. You have had a good summer, but now the nights are drawing in, and winter might be difficult, and uncomfortable. But do not despair. There will be good days, when the sun shines, even if not as warmly as it has for you in the past. Enjoy those days.
Trust me, if you say it with a confident look in your eye, they will find some meaning in it. Even if they have just sucked off three tubes of the amber nectar. In fact if they have done that they are more than likely to accept anything.
Look at the poor beggars in the picture though. Old, cold, disabled, poor. We know that they are going to have a hard time whatever the season is. Particularly if the right wing Tory “every man for himself” brigade holds sway. People like them are useless anyway, they don’t pay taxes. Why should hard working people pay taxes to support them? I can hear that oily Cameron and his cronies now, pretending that they care, whilst cutting the funding for more ruddy public services and muttering about us being “all in it together.”
There is light in this picture. And money. But it comes from a church window. Whatever you think about ruddy religion, at least most decent religions encourage you to help others. And in greedy ruddy societies, sometimes it’s only the religions that can be bothered to help out. Apart from the celebrities, if it draws attention to them of course. Well, when you draw the five of Pentacles, it’s time to do something about it, even if you aren’t a vicar or a celebrity, and let’s face it, that’s most of us. It’s time to have a go at doing unto others as we would want to be done unto ourselves if we had a bad leg and had lost our shoes and it was ruddy well snowing or there was a recession on or something.
Four things that you might do this week. (i) go to your local church, or mosque or temple or whatever you have. You don’t have to believe in any mumbo jumbo, just go for half an hour, listen to the vicar or whoever they have on, and put a few bob in the tin. Chances are they will put it to good use. They spend a lot of time in places like that, thinking about how they can help the needy. So it won’t be wasted. (ii) Clear out your unwanted items and give them to a charity shop. Try and avoid the sort of charity shop where they inject animals with horrible diseases in order to find a cure for human illness, but there are surprisingly few of those left these days, so you should be alright. If in doubt give it to the headless orphans or guide dogs for the bald. (ii) there’s no point in giving money to them beggars, because they will only spend it on ruddy booze. And you probably need all the booze money you can get. Instead buy a family bar of fruit and nut chocolate, and give them that. It will be a nutritious treat for them. Unless they are allergic to nuts. If they are maybe a Fry’s Turkish delight might tempt them. (iv) It’s never too early to start your Christmas shopping. Even if you are Australian and summer is only just beginning. Remember your elderly friends and relatives. Some of them probably still smoke, and fags are always a welcome gift in the festive season.

Auntie Doris’s All Things Must Pass #12: Auntie Doris


I had been dead for about 17 years before I first manifested myself through that ruddy nephew of mine. At first I was just helping him out with clairvoyant acts now and again, which was just basically him showing off in front of his mates down at the pub. I still do a bit of that now. I’ll be doing a pantomime with him this year at a proper ruddy theatre an’all, just like I did last year. But when it boils down to it, he’s still just showing off in front of his ruddy mates.
It was my idea to start writing these little homilies every day. I started writing them on the Facebook last October, with Auntie Doris’s Guide to the Zodiac, and after that I developed a taste for the writing, so I carried on with it. My ruddy nephew thought he was onto a winner. After a few months he decided that I was too good for Facebook, so he starts having them put on what he calls a “blog” on the WordPress, and by then he was pushing me to write 500+ words a day. But do you know what? I ruddy enjoyed the discipline. And so did he. Although part of his discipline was wearing a pair of my old tights to help him “summon my spirit” even though if I have told him once, I have told him a hundred times that he doesn’t ruddy need to. The filthy so and so.
Any road. I have now been producing an article a day for a year. And it is time to stop. No more daily homily from me. I have had enough of it. All things must pass. But don’t go thinking that you have heard the last of me. Ohh no.
Michael’s idea was that he would collect all my little homilies and then try and get them published under a title like “Auntie Doris’s Almanac,” and then, with my help he would become a world famous writer. But as things developed, we both changed our minds. That’s why we are both comfortable with having all the articles since March on that WordPress Site where all and sundry can find it and read it to their heart’s content. And once we are not writing every day, the ones from before last March will be going up soon, so you will be able to see how much better I am at stringing sentences together than I was last October.
When I was a young lass at school, I had an art teacher called Mrs Johnson. And in one of her lessons I drew a picture of the King in his carriage in London with all the horses and soldiers and that. Some of it I copied out of a book, and some of it was out of my imagination. Mrs Johnson said that it was a vet good picture, but I thought that she was being kind. It was ok. But the horses’ legs looked a bit wrong, like they came out of the wrong parts of their bodies and were a bit wonky. The Kings fingers were the wrong size for his hand, and the wheels of his carriage were all wrong. I took it home and worked on it for three nights, rubbing bits out here and there, re drawing bits, and slowly improving it. When I took it back to show Mrs Johnson, she really did seem thrilled, and made a real fuss of me for going that extra mile, and making something that was good into something that was really, really good.
And that’s how I feel about all this writing. I’m not letting my ruddy nephew waste it by publishing something that’s only half polished. And that’s the main reason that I am not going to write daily homilies any more.
Here’s the plan. Me and Michael are going to put in some real work on “The Auntie Doris Years” from 1900 to 2000. Expanding them and filling in more detail about the history involved, both the textbook history and the stories of how me and my family responded to it. Its not going anywhere to be published until I have all the horses legs, the kings fingers and the undercarriage worked out properly. Then we will see what happens.
I’m not leaving the ruddy internet alone completely though. Theres still about 28 Tarot Cards to do, and I’m not stopping the Sunday Posts until I’ve done them. And I will still be doing the occasional “Auntie Doris’s Book Club” and stuff like that. I will also be doing a regular weekly post about how the work on the other stuff is coming on, without giving too much away, so that people will still want to buy it when it comes out as a book. And then there’ll be negotiating the film rights. I have thought about it, and want that Helen Mirren to play me. And Timothy Spall to play my nephew Michael. He has just the right gormless expression.
I will only be putting the writing on WordPress from now on though, and just linking to it from Facebook. I know that many of my l;oyal Facebook friends will consider this to be a bit of a pain in the arse. But there you go…. All things must pass.