Auntie Doris’s Great Works of Art: Bonus Edition – Jeff Koons: Made in Heaven, 1989

imageMy good friend, the Puppetmaster, Peter Allen, suggested that I should write a piece about this work by Jeff Koons. To be honest, I thought that Peter had a bit more about him than to entertain filth like this, but then when I thought about it, I realised that he’s a man, and they are all filthy so and sos when it boils down to it. Even Harry H. Corbett was caught with his hand up the skirt of a female panda called Sue, and apparently, that bloke who did Basil Brush was a well known frotteur, which is probably why he spent half his life under the ruddy table.

Any Road, Jeff Koons was as filthy as they come. He was a good enough looking bloke though, and after he he made a fortune out of making balloon models out of stainless steel, there were probably hundreds of women queuing up to get him up the aisle. So what did he do? He chose an actress out of those phonographic films. She wasn’t just any old actress who was used to taking her clothes off though, this one was Ilona Staller, otherwise known as Cicciolina. She had been an Italian Member of Parliament, and had gone on the television and offered to have carnal relations with Saddam Hussein in exchange for him releasing some hostages.

Funnily enough, Saddam Hussein never got back to her, if it had been Lloyd George or Bill Clinton, they would have probably taken up her offer, apart from the fact that Lloyd George was dead and Bill Clinton wasn’t President at the time. Apparently, when he was President, he did look at the possibility of taking some hostages and getting in touch with Ilona, but it all fell through when he got that copydex on that lasses skirt.

Any road, when Jeff Koons married her, he wanted the world to know that he had married a proper phonographic woman, so he did an exhibition called “Made in Heaven” with hundreds of photographs and paintings and other nick nacks, depicting him and her having it off in all sorts of positions. He even had some glass ornaments made of them working their way through that Indian sex book, the Carnal Suitor.

Of course, there was a bit of a hoo ha when people saw what he had done. They said it was filthy. Of course, what a man and a woman get up to in the privacy of their own homes is nobody’s business but their own, but plastering it all over an art gallery for all and sundry to be looking at is another matter entirely. Elderly people, young children and vicars might have accidentally wandered in and seen it and been corrupted for the rest of their living days.

Any road, Ilona left him after a year and went back to Italy, where she continued trying to achieve world peace through stunts like offering to have carnal relations with Osama Bin Laden if he would promise behave his ruddy self in future. Koons went back to being an almost normal artist, making his stainless steel balloon sculptures and other ornaments including a delightful figurine of two Yorkshire terriers, which could almost be my Hairy Mary and my Tuppence

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Auntie Doris’s Great Works of Art #11: Arthur Sarnoff – Jack The Ripper, 195?

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If you don’t like Arthur Sarnoff’s Dog paintings, you must have a heart of ruddy stone, that’s all I can say. He painted dogs dressed in human clothes doing all sorts of things, playing pool, playing poker, playing golf… All sorts of things. He even painted some of the dogs smoking and drinking whilst they were playing. I don’t really hold with that. It’s not clever, encouraging dogs to smoke, ICI tried it with beagles at that factory in Macclesfield, and nobody was impressed with that. Any Road, Arthur Sarnoff also used to do glamour pictures dolly birds, and clowns for some reason. When he was an old man, (and should have known better) he even did a picture of some clowns playing with a dog for the cover of a punk rock LP by the bumhole surfers.He actually copied the idea for dogs playing games off another American Artist, who had done a painting called “Kelly Pool” in 1904, after having done a calendar full of dogs playing poker. But Sarnoff’s pictures are the most famous, and posters of his work change hands on the internet today for amounts upwards of £4.95. Mind you, they say £4.95, and then they ruddy sting you for postage and packing.My Hairy Mary wasn’t any good at playing pool. I took her down the snooker club at the Institute one week. My Raymond was practicing. He had been watching that Pot Black on television and thought that he was ruddy Ray Davies or somebody. Any road, he told me to take her home. He said that she was putting him off because she kept sniffing at his balls.

I did try prodding her with a cue, just to see if I could get an interest up, but she just sort of shrivelled up into herself. She didn’t take too kindly to being prodded with anything didn’t my Hairy Mary, let alone a ruddy great snooker stick.

I always think it’s a bit off actually, when people make Jack the Ripper references in popular art. I said it about that Screaming Lord Sutch, and I’ll say it again about Arthur Sarnoff. Jack the Ripper was a serial killer who disembowelled the women who were his victims. I happen to like pictures of cuddly little dogs dressed as people, playing games, but it seems a bit much to give them titles to do with people like that. I hope he didn’t do any paintings of a little dog in a top hat and cloak disembowelling a female dog in petticoats in a gas-lit Victorian street. That would have been disgusting. Nobody in their right mind would want to buy anything like that, or even do a web search for it. They would have to be ruddy sexual perverts if they did, like that Rolf Harris. Mind you, he wouldn’t have to look up a painting like that on the internet, he could have just painted one himself. He was a dab hand at anything like that, was Rolf.