Auntie Doris’s Book Club #15 “Hypnosis Magic – How to Hypnotize and Have Instant Complete Control Now” – by John Demarco.

Hypnosis magic

My nephew Michael and his ruddy kindles thing. The fact is that he will download any old ruddy tripe to read on it as long as its cheap, and he gets one of those email things every day from some firm that is either giving away books or selling them cheap, usually because they cant get shut of them any other way. Although what with them being e-books they don’t actually exist, so it isn’t as if they have a warehouse full of them and need the room. Not like those e-cigarettes, they actually exist. They haven’t invented a way of downloading ten Park Drive filter tips off the internet yet. They will.. its just a matter of time.

Any road, sometimes he uses my name when he gets the books, The Lord alone knows why. And that means that sometimes the Amazons people contact me for a book review. Which is what they did with this one. So, I thought that I had better read it and do a review for them. It didn’t take long, I had read it from beginning to end in less than half an hour, and I didn’t even have the right glasses on either.

It starts off with that old chestnut about hypnotizing chickens by drawing a line on the floor and then forcing their heads against it by holding them down by their necks. I remember using that on our Michael and his sister Pamela when I was baybysitting for them when they were little kiddies. I would draw a couple of lines on the carpet with chalk and hold them against them by their necks and after a while they would go still and quiet, leaving me free to watch Coronation Street in peace. (Them were the days that it was good – when they had Ena Sharples, Minnie Caldwell and Albert Tatlock, None of them fly by night types they have these days, jumping in and out of each other’s beds and shouting at each other all the time). I had to stop it though when April May and Cyril complained about the mess on the carpet. I blamed that on all the foreign muck they made them eat… Beef Risotto, Crispy Noodles.. its virtually child abuse feeding them with that.

Any road, this book then suggests that you go waltzing into the pub and pick on the bloke with the loudest mouth and talk to him about the weather before tugging on his arm and telling him to go to sleep. To be honest with you, don’t know whether this would work or not, but it sounds to me to be the right way to go about getting a black eye or a busted nose. maybe John Demarco regularly approaches men in pubs and asks them to sleep with him, but I would advise other men not to follow suit, unless they know exactly what they are letting themselves in for.

The rest of the book is about how you can help people to relax and let go of their fears and worries by talking to them with a soft voice in a dimly lit room. Although he does say at one point that if anybody really needs help you should “do the right thing and just offer assistance in finding a credible hypnotherapy specialist.” ie not one who has just downloaded a cheap e-book of a bargain email thing.

At the end of the book, you get to learn that John Demarco is not only a Hypnotism expert, but a “Dating Guru” who has written a book called “How To Get A Girlfriend Finally!” which reveals “The Naked Truth on Hooking Up Once And For All” Not that he is preying on sad and lonely people who dream of having Instant complete control over chickens and hooking up with girls. Not at all. He has helped literally dozens of well balanced people to part with small amounts of money with enticing titles such as “How To Get Her Back”, “How To Be Interesting At A Dinner Party” and “A Beginner’s Manual On How To Get  People To Do Stuff Instantly” Probably by holding them to the floor by their ruddy necks.

Funnily enough there doesn’t seem to be much advice for women in these books. They are the ones who Demarco wants his gullible readers to imagine having in their power. Well if he ever tried putting me under his influence, he would soon experience the business end of my soup spoon on his head.

And if any of you readers actually know my nephew Michael, you should treat him in a similar manner if he ever starts talking about the weather and tugging on your arm.

Auntie Doris’s New Years Revolutions #4: Become more confident with the opposite sex!

cowboy date

It is a terrible thing when people have no confidence in the opposite sex. I have no confidence in my Raymond. Or if I have got any confidence, its the wrong sort of confidence if you follow my drift. I am confident that he is a useless, lazy lump, I am confident that he hasn’t got the brains that he was born with, and I am confident that if I give him the occasional clip around the ear, it doesn’t make a blind bit of difference. But I am not confident in much else about him. My confidence in the opposite sex has become eroded by years of experience of them, slaves to their peccadilloes, that’s what men are, and if one of them ever tells you any different, its his peccadilloes doing the talking, throwing up a smokescreen to disguise what’s going on inside his filthy mind.

But I suppose what you mean by a revolution like this is that you want to have more confidence in your dealings with the opposite sex. That’s a different matter. For women, the answer is simplicity itself. Once you remember that all men are slaves to their peccadilloes, you have absolute control. Once a man understands that you know his peccadilloes, and are willing to indulge him to an extent, or even just to turn a blind eye. You can say or do whatever you like to him, with complete confidence. You have the upper hand in every situation.

For men its a little different. Some men find it so hard to be confident in their dealings with the opposite sex, that they would rather mess about in their underwear drawers, or dress up in their clothes, or sit in the shed all day reading ruddy silly magazines about them, than actually have any dealings with them at all. If you know a man like that, (and most women do, whether they realise it or not) why not make it your New Year’s revolution to give him a clip around the earhole? It might not do him any good, but it would make you feel a damn sight better.

Auntie Doris’s alternative revolution: Why stop at the opposite sex? Why not revolve to be more confident with everybody? You can start by just pretending to be confident, and before you know where you are, it becomes a habit, and you are as confident as the cat that cleaned its canines with colgate. But why stop at people? Are you confident with cattle? With horses? With Birds of prey? Why stop at living things? Are you confident with machinery? With information technology? With contacting the dead? Confidence in all of these things can be achieved by bluster, bluffing and pretence. And take it from me… anything that you can’t gain confidence in by these means isn’t worth the effort.