Auntie Doris’s Guide to the Zodiac #9. Cancer: 22nd June – 22nd July


Of course Cancer is the sign of the zodiac which represents a serious disease which no-one wants to find out that they or a loved one have: Crabs. My Raymond had crabs when he was in the Army. He said that all his regiment got them from sharing the same toilet seat whilst they were in Northern France, but those Frenchies have funny ways of doing things, from baking breadsticks, to polishing tables to giving each other a kiss, and it reckon he got crabs off one of them enchantreuses. Anyway, they made his privates sore and I ended up having to burn his pubes off with a candle and paint him with derbac liquid. Served him ruddy well right for dipping his wick in a dirty bucket. Cancerians are a little like crabs in that once they get their claws into you, they don’t let go without a struggle and can be a constant source of irritation. My Raymond’s brother Bernard was a Cancerian, and when he got an idea into his head he was like a dog with a bone. He got the idea that I fancied him once after I accidentally gave him a pair of my drawers when he had a sneezing fit at Filey. I thought they were a handkerchief, I had forgotten that I had them in my pocket in case I got the ones I was wearing wet whilst I was paddling. The filthy bugger would not let it lie until I hit him on the bell end with a soup spoon. Famous Cancerians: Bill Gates, Freddie Garrity, Bette Davis, Bet Lynch, Kenny Lynch.