Auntie Doris’s Mysteries of the Unexplained #11: Orgone Energy

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If someone in America discovered a safe and natural form of energy, as powerful in its own way as sunlight or the tides, and Albert Einstein himself said that it was a ruddy miracle, why on earth would they be branded as a scoundrel and sent to prison?
Could it be because of where the power came from? Some filthy minded so and sos just couldn’t cope with that kind of thing.
It was an Austrian bloke that discovered it, Wilhelm Reich. But he had been kicked out of the country when Hitler came to power, because they didn’t think much to his ideas either. What bothered them was that he had been doing some thorough scientific study of people having carnal relations with each other, and had discovered that when they had finished, and were having a smoke or something, that they were surrounded by a powerful energy field. He called this power “orgone.” He had made up the word by putting the words “orgasm” and “hormone” together. No wonder Hitler didn’t like it. But as it turned out, neither did ruddy Eisenhower. I would have thought that the Yanks would have been a bit more open minded, but there you go.
In the period after the War, Reichs had made great strides in the field of orgonology. He had started with the invention of the orgone box, from which the energy could be harvested. Two people would go into an orgone box and have carnal relations with each other, and the energy would be stored in the walls which were lined with wire wool and fluffy cotton. Then they could connect the whole box to the mains and use it like a giant battery for the rest of the day. As long as both people in the box had enjoyed themselves thoroughly enough, there would be enough power to light the average home for one evening, and have the radiogram on, or to run a two bar electric fire for about three quarters of an hour.
The trouble was that a lot of couples weren’t always in the mood at the same time, and this reduced the opportunities for generating energy.
So Reich developed the solo orgone box, where a person could go in and have carnal relations with themselves and create just enough energy to run the radiogram or the lights, or just the one bar on the electric fire.
I reckon that was what did it for Eisenhower. He didn’t like the idea of people having carnal relations with themselves. He thought that it was against the rules of common decency, and would eat away at the very fabric of American society. So he got Reichs arrested and had all his machines and research papers burned.
But Reichs carried on his work in secret though. Not only building more powerful boxes with which families with adolescent boys could run a chest freezer, electric oven and heat and light the home almost indefinitely, but designing a powerful orgone cloudbursting machine, which, once attached to a healthy mans knackers, could be pointed to the sky and cause it to rain. This could have prevented drought and eradicated starvation in the third world.
Reichs also claimed to have used this device to repel an invasion of cigar shaped saucer like objects containing silver men intent on sucking him off.
However, when Eisenhower found out what he was up to, he had him arrested and this time thrown into prison before once again, his work was destroyed.
Sadly Reichs died in prison. He had attempted to build a small orgone producing device in his cell, using, tinfoil, the cardboard tubes out of rolls of toilet paper, brillo pads, and cotton wool balls. Unfortunately after connecting it to his meat and two vegetables he made the wrong sort of connection to the mains, and electrocuted himself.
Or did he? Some say that he was too clever to have done anything so ruddy stupid. They clam that he was killed by the president, because he knew too much. Too much about alien life forms, too much about cheap power generation, or too much about how they kept the light on in the Whitehouse. Who knows? Its just another mystery of the unexplained.

Doris’s Digest #4: America’s Forgotten President: William Henry Harrison

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Ask someone to name an American President and you can bet your bottom dollar that they will not come out with “William Henry Harrison” This is because Harrison is truly America’s forgotten President. Other Presidents have tried hard to do things that they could be remembered for. George Washington was the only president in the history of America who was unable to lie, Abraham Lincoln got himself shot whilst watching a production of “No Sex Please, We’re British” at the Alhambra Theatre in Brooklyn, Bill Clinton got into trouble for putting a cigar into a woman’s front bottom. Then there’s Herbert Hoover, who invented the vacuum cleaner, Richard Nixon, who invented the tape recorder, or George Bush who came back from the dead as his own father. Their unique achievements guaranteed them a place in history of the land of the free. But William Henry Harrison’s only claim to fame was to catch a cold and die within weeks of being sworn into office in the spring of 1841.
Or was it?
Papers which have recently come to light suggest that rather than perishing of the common cold, Harrison was secretly done away with by a cartel made up of rich and powerful Americans, because they feared that his unorthodox political beliefs may have shook the fabric of mid nineteenth century American Society.
Dr Nigel Quel Dommage of the Department of Presidential Peculiarities, at the University of the Third Age, Welwyn Garden City, Carolina, claims that throughout the 1841 election campaign, Harrison had concealed plans to abolish all private property and instigate collective ownership of the means of production throughout the United States during his presidency. He also intended to abolish religion, feeling strongly that this was a “pre requisite of the happiness of mankind”
Once the secret cartel got wind of these plans, Harrison’s days were numbered. There were too many interested vests in the states to allow those sort of ideas to take hold. At that time, America was largely governed by cowboys who were only interested in short term gain for themselves, and were ruthless in their exploitation of others for personal wealth. Unlike today, where progressive ideas are welcomed and freedom of speech and opinion are enshrined in the constitution.
Dr Quel Dommage claims to have seen evidence that Harrison was bundled into a sack and fed to grizzly bears on the North-Western frontier. However, he claims that this might be a smoke screen set up by supporters of Harrison, who smuggled him out of the country, to end his days heavily bearded and under an assumed name in the reading rooms of the British Museum.
There are even those who clam that his wife Emmylou crossed the atlantic with him, and that their English descendents include none other than George Harrison, the “fifth Beatle” and composer of the world famous “Bangladesh Concerto.”
So the next time that you are invited to forget a president of the U.S.A, forget someone more memorable, like Carter, Kennedy, or Roosevelt. Try and remember the name of William Henry Whatsisname – America’s forgotten president!