Auntie Doris’s Road To Publication #3: Talking to Grandma

GrandmaI have never been asked so many ruddy questions. I thought that I was in for a quiet life after I stopped writing a little homily every day, and let my nephew Michael edit the ones that I have already written. But ohh no! That would be too much to ask. Now he’s at me even more than he was before, incessant questioning about stuff. “What did they call my mother’s brothers and sisters? Did I know both my grandmas and granddads? Where did they live? When did they die? What did they ruddy well do for a living. How the hell should I know? It was all such a long time ago. Some of the people he is asking about have been dead that long that they have gone into The Meld.

For those of you that haven’t read all my little homilies, The Meld is the place where people go after they feel that they have been on the other side for long enough. When you decide to go into The Meld, you lose your personal identity, you just meld with everyone else in there. You can find out all about it in my little series “Auntie Doris’s Life on the Other Side

Any road once people have gone into the meld, it is difficult to ask them questions. Difficult, but not impossible. I have been learning how to do it. I suppose it’s nice to have a little hobby, and like I say, I am not writing every day now, so I have a bit of time on my hands, and it helps me answer all those ruddy questions our Michael keeps asking.

When I discovered that I could contact the land of the living from the other side (through my nephew) it was like learning a new skill. A bit like when young kids go to ruddy Hai Karate classes or whatever it is they do when they aren’t ruddy skateboarding in virtual reality or whatever it is that they get up these days. The thing is, they get better and better at it with practice and they get different coloured belts to show everyone how good they are.

Some of them don’t progress much. Some of them collect all the ruddy belts, and then give up. But some of them progress to the next level and start doing kung fu, and maybe even go on to become ninjas, and then do secret missions or what nots for the government or other ruddy clandestine organisations.

Any road, I have progressed to the next level of contacting other dimensions where you start learning how to contact The Meld. Course, I’m not much good at it yet. I’m only a beginner, and it’s not all that easy. You have to know what to ask, and how to ask it, but I can now just about manage summon up and speak to people who have gone into it. Well, as long as I have some connection to them. Family and that.

It’s not really them of course. It’s a version of them created by all the knowledge in The Meld. But then again, its as near as you are going to get, without actually going in yourself. And I’m not ready for that yet. I’m having too much fun where I am.

Any road, I had a chat with my Grandmother the other day. Or some spirit that was to all intents and purposes pretty much like my grandmother (on my mother’s side) It was a funny ruddy business, because I hadn’t seen her since about 1918 when I was about 4 years old. She seemed a nice old soul though, and was able to fill me in on one or two things that the nephew had been asking me about.

I reckon that eventually I might be able to do people that I have no connection with. Like Napoleon, or Genghis Khan. Not that I am all that bothered. I wouldn’t know what I would even have to say to either one of them, although I have always been fascinated by the Mongol Empire, I wouldn’t actually want to spend any time with its ruddy instigator. But you never know. I might be able to do requests one day. That would be a lark. But not until my nephew has finished the business in hand and got that ruddy book written!

Auntie Doris’s Guide to the Zodiac #12. Libra: 24th September – 23rd October


Librarians have a strong sense of justice. If the grocer gives them too much change, they are honest about it, and return the extra cash. They always keep their promises and they always return a favour. Unfortunately, with some Librarians, the sense of justice can become a bit obsessive, and they will set out to single handedly put the world’s problems to rights. My father was a librarian. He had a strong sense of justice but after he was hit in the face by a potato thrown by my mother in a domestic dispute, he became convinced that all rude and Ill mannered people should be punished. Whenever he heard anyone speaking crudely or being inconsiderate in public, he claimed to hear the voice of The Lord God Almighty in his head, telling him to pinch them very hard and then to get away as quickly as he could. He was very good at doing this. In a crowd, on a bus, in a shop, on the street, in the middle of town or at the seaside, he could bring up a bruise the size and colour of an old ha’penny and be out of the way before his victim even realised that they had been hurt. He didn’t get caught for months either. But people were talking, and it wasn’t long before the local paper got hold of the story. The search for the Yorkshire Nipper was on! The police net was closing in on the day he made a dramatic leap from the 10.20 train from Hull to Scarborough. Fortunately it was standing on the platform at Bridlington Station at the time, and he survived with only grazed knees. However he was arrested and spent the rest of his days at St Dymphna’s Hospital for the criminally bewildered. The only time he ever saw the outside world again was through the windows of a yellow bus. Librarians. Don’t fall into the same trap as the Yorkshire Nipper. If you hear voices in your head, don’t worry, it will probably only be your old, dead friend, Auntie Doris. And I would never tell you to do anything that would get you into trouble. Would I? Famous Librarians: Philip Larkin, Peter Sutcliffe, James Robertson Justice, Mary Whitehouse, Aileen Wuornos