Auntie Doris’s All Things Must Pass #12: Auntie Doris


I had been dead for about 17 years before I first manifested myself through that ruddy nephew of mine. At first I was just helping him out with clairvoyant acts now and again, which was just basically him showing off in front of his mates down at the pub. I still do a bit of that now. I’ll be doing a pantomime with him this year at a proper ruddy theatre an’all, just like I did last year. But when it boils down to it, he’s still just showing off in front of his ruddy mates.
It was my idea to start writing these little homilies every day. I started writing them on the Facebook last October, with Auntie Doris’s Guide to the Zodiac, and after that I developed a taste for the writing, so I carried on with it. My ruddy nephew thought he was onto a winner. After a few months he decided that I was too good for Facebook, so he starts having them put on what he calls a “blog” on the WordPress, and by then he was pushing me to write 500+ words a day. But do you know what? I ruddy enjoyed the discipline. And so did he. Although part of his discipline was wearing a pair of my old tights to help him “summon my spirit” even though if I have told him once, I have told him a hundred times that he doesn’t ruddy need to. The filthy so and so.
Any road. I have now been producing an article a day for a year. And it is time to stop. No more daily homily from me. I have had enough of it. All things must pass. But don’t go thinking that you have heard the last of me. Ohh no.
Michael’s idea was that he would collect all my little homilies and then try and get them published under a title like “Auntie Doris’s Almanac,” and then, with my help he would become a world famous writer. But as things developed, we both changed our minds. That’s why we are both comfortable with having all the articles since March on that WordPress Site where all and sundry can find it and read it to their heart’s content. And once we are not writing every day, the ones from before last March will be going up soon, so you will be able to see how much better I am at stringing sentences together than I was last October.
When I was a young lass at school, I had an art teacher called Mrs Johnson. And in one of her lessons I drew a picture of the King in his carriage in London with all the horses and soldiers and that. Some of it I copied out of a book, and some of it was out of my imagination. Mrs Johnson said that it was a vet good picture, but I thought that she was being kind. It was ok. But the horses’ legs looked a bit wrong, like they came out of the wrong parts of their bodies and were a bit wonky. The Kings fingers were the wrong size for his hand, and the wheels of his carriage were all wrong. I took it home and worked on it for three nights, rubbing bits out here and there, re drawing bits, and slowly improving it. When I took it back to show Mrs Johnson, she really did seem thrilled, and made a real fuss of me for going that extra mile, and making something that was good into something that was really, really good.
And that’s how I feel about all this writing. I’m not letting my ruddy nephew waste it by publishing something that’s only half polished. And that’s the main reason that I am not going to write daily homilies any more.
Here’s the plan. Me and Michael are going to put in some real work on “The Auntie Doris Years” from 1900 to 2000. Expanding them and filling in more detail about the history involved, both the textbook history and the stories of how me and my family responded to it. Its not going anywhere to be published until I have all the horses legs, the kings fingers and the undercarriage worked out properly. Then we will see what happens.
I’m not leaving the ruddy internet alone completely though. Theres still about 28 Tarot Cards to do, and I’m not stopping the Sunday Posts until I’ve done them. And I will still be doing the occasional “Auntie Doris’s Book Club” and stuff like that. I will also be doing a regular weekly post about how the work on the other stuff is coming on, without giving too much away, so that people will still want to buy it when it comes out as a book. And then there’ll be negotiating the film rights. I have thought about it, and want that Helen Mirren to play me. And Timothy Spall to play my nephew Michael. He has just the right gormless expression.
I will only be putting the writing on WordPress from now on though, and just linking to it from Facebook. I know that many of my l;oyal Facebook friends will consider this to be a bit of a pain in the arse. But there you go…. All things must pass.

I’m a Ruddy Very Inspiring Blogger Now


My good friend, Marigold has just nominated me for this Very Inspiring Blogger Award. She got nominated on her Versus Blurb blog, which is a good read, if you like a mix of fiction, book reviews and little anecdotes and stuff. Very nice indeed.

Of course these awards are a bit of an old pals act. “You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.” You could say that they are just an invented way of getting more people to look at what you’ve written. I would say that there’s nothing wrong with that. We all used to pull together in the war and help each other out where we could. Arthur Knaggs, the local butcher used to scratch my back by getting my beef dripping on a regular basis, no questions asked. And never you mind how I scratched his. suffice to say it was a mutually beneficial arrangement, a bit like what this is, where everybody gives each other awards and congratulates each other on getting them.

Anyway, thanks Marigold. I will remember your kind gesture. I often think of you when I am doing the washing up in your gloves.

I got nominated for one the other week called One Lovely Blog. So I know the ropes. You have some “duties” to perform, but you can normally get away with changing them around a bit to make them easier. I think that Marigold had already done that, so I will just copy and paste what she put. (Hark at me, I never even went near a ruddy computer when I was alive and now Im copying and pasting and adding photos to the clipboard as if I’m Mister Ruddy Spock out of Star Trek!)

1. Thank the blogger who nominated you, and link back to their very inspiring site.

2. Mention the rules. But it doesn’t say you can’t break them

3. Nominate who you think should receive this lovely award (and let them know on their sites).

4. Tell the blogging world something they don’t know about you.

Right… Well I have taken care of number one and number two already, so that leaves three and four.

What I am going to do with three is think of five blogs that I didnt link to last time, and then add the five that I did link to last time at the bottom. They all qualify as inspirational. Here they are. (in no particular order)

Words Escape Me JB is a young poet from Salford. He talks a lot of sense although he can be a bit crude at times.

bdhesse This young lass is no relationship to Rudolph Hess, which is a good thing as he was one of those Nazis who supported hitler. No, bd has her head screwed on a lot firmer than that. She writes some inspiring little pieces about herself and her thoughts. Always a quick and entertaining read

Write Dorne – Putting Life into Words I like this Blog because she talks a lot of sense about blogging. She is also a Yorkshire lass like me and lives near Scarborough. Which is a seaside town which may not be quite as charming as Withernsea, but is still worth a visit.

Folakemi Odoaje I always have a soft spot for Africans writing about their lives. Folakeme lives in Nigeria and she is not shy about writing about stuff like vaginal fistulas and other women’s issues. She says it how it is, and she has some shocking stories about what its like out there. Very Inspiring.

Literary Mind Lust. Reenee is a filthy so and so who writes what some people might call “erotica” whatever that’s supposed to be when its all at home. I think my Raymond used to have a box full of it in the garden shed. She nominated me for the One Lovely blog award, so I am now nominating her for this one. Fairs fair.

Red’s Wrap. Jan is an inspiration… She writes ruddy marvellous and honest stories about her family, and plenty else besides

Must be This Tall to Ride. Matt is a lovely man, who understands that all men are a bit soft in the head. I think that he is a bit hard on himself though.. Maybe a few sessions with Reenie Denver would sort him out.

Cabbage and Semolina. Cathy used to be a headmistress, so she must have something about her.. her blog has some lovely stories about her childhood in the 1950s.

Gotta Find a Home. Dennis talks to homeless folk and writes about it in his blog. He is a lovely person, as are the people he talks to.

Storytime with John. John is a primary School Teacher. Maybe Cathy used to be his boss? He writes lovely, funny, self depreciating stories.

There are plenty of other blogs that I enjoy. If you aren’t in the list, sorry. Maybe I will write about you the next time somebody nominates me for one of these awards.

Right. Now to think of something about me that the blogging world doesn’t know

This is hard, seeing as how I write a load of stuff about me on an almost daily basis, so its all out there in the blogfish bowl already. and I had to do something similar when I got that other award. Any road.. I’ll think of something…

… HA! I once got given some iron on name labels for my clothing. My sister Pearl got me them for Christmas. She said that they would help me identify my stuff if it ever got mixed up with anyone elses. “Fat chance of that” I thought. I threw the ruddy things out. Why would I want my name ironed inside my ruddy knickers. They are itchy enough as it is!

And if you can take inspiration from that, God love you!