Auntie Doris’s Great Works of Art: Bonus Edition – Jeff Koons: Made in Heaven, 1989

imageMy good friend, the Puppetmaster, Peter Allen, suggested that I should write a piece about this work by Jeff Koons. To be honest, I thought that Peter had a bit more about him than to entertain filth like this, but then when I thought about it, I realised that he’s a man, and they are all filthy so and sos when it boils down to it. Even Harry H. Corbett was caught with his hand up the skirt of a female panda called Sue, and apparently, that bloke who did Basil Brush was a well known frotteur, which is probably why he spent half his life under the ruddy table.

Any Road, Jeff Koons was as filthy as they come. He was a good enough looking bloke though, and after he he made a fortune out of making balloon models out of stainless steel, there were probably hundreds of women queuing up to get him up the aisle. So what did he do? He chose an actress out of those phonographic films. She wasn’t just any old actress who was used to taking her clothes off though, this one was Ilona Staller, otherwise known as Cicciolina. She had been an Italian Member of Parliament, and had gone on the television and offered to have carnal relations with Saddam Hussein in exchange for him releasing some hostages.

Funnily enough, Saddam Hussein never got back to her, if it had been Lloyd George or Bill Clinton, they would have probably taken up her offer, apart from the fact that Lloyd George was dead and Bill Clinton wasn’t President at the time. Apparently, when he was President, he did look at the possibility of taking some hostages and getting in touch with Ilona, but it all fell through when he got that copydex on that lasses skirt.

Any road, when Jeff Koons married her, he wanted the world to know that he had married a proper phonographic woman, so he did an exhibition called “Made in Heaven” with hundreds of photographs and paintings and other nick nacks, depicting him and her having it off in all sorts of positions. He even had some glass ornaments made of them working their way through that Indian sex book, the Carnal Suitor.

Of course, there was a bit of a hoo ha when people saw what he had done. They said it was filthy. Of course, what a man and a woman get up to in the privacy of their own homes is nobody’s business but their own, but plastering it all over an art gallery for all and sundry to be looking at is another matter entirely. Elderly people, young children and vicars might have accidentally wandered in and seen it and been corrupted for the rest of their living days.

Any road, Ilona left him after a year and went back to Italy, where she continued trying to achieve world peace through stunts like offering to have carnal relations with Osama Bin Laden if he would promise behave his ruddy self in future. Koons went back to being an almost normal artist, making his stainless steel balloon sculptures and other ornaments including a delightful figurine of two Yorkshire terriers, which could almost be my Hairy Mary and my Tuppence


The Auntie Doris Years: 1998

All the fun was with watching Bill Clinton, the President of America squirm that year. He tried to explain that he had broken an ornament in his office in the Whitehouse and was trying to mend it with some copydex when Monica Lewinsky, a young work experience lass came in to sharpen his pencils and brushed her blue dress against it.
There was some concern in America, that it was not in fact copydex, but the President’s seed, which he had squirted all over the lasses dress, whilst he was fiddling with himself instead of attending to important matters of state. So they appointed Freddie Starr, as an independent investigator, because he knew a thing or two about stuff like that.
Starr sniffed the garment and looked at Clinton with one eyebrow raised, and said “It doesn’t smell like copydex to me”
Of course, what with it being 1998, they could send it off for DNA testing, and when they did, it came back as having the president’s DNA all over it.
But Clinton was not to be phased. He produced a signed affidavit from the boss of the Copydex factory in Hot Springs, Arkansas, where he worked as a young man. In it, he said that in the ordinary course of production the bodily fluids of workers would often find their way into the vats where the glue was prepared.
He then called an expert scientific witness who stated that Clinton’s DNA could have lain dormant in a VAT for many years before it was scooped out and put in a pot of Copydex for sale on the open market.
It was therefore possible that Clinton was attempting to mend his ornament with an adhesive which contained his own DNA, and it was this that had somehow got onto the lasses dress.
He also produced evidence that before her work experience at the Whitehouse started, Lewinsky had been on another placement at a Cigar packaging plant in Portland, Oregon, and produced a signed affidavit from her boss there, which stated that in the ordinary course of production the bodily fluids of workers would often find their way into the cigars and packaging, where it could lie dormant for months on end.
In the light of this evidence, Starr had no alternative than to conclude that nothing could be proven against the President, apart from the fact that he was probably a filthy so and so, like most men are, a conclusion which the president openly admitted, so they impeached him anyway (whatever that means).
Any road, they only went that far because he was a Democrat, which is the nearest America gets to Socialism. What a palaver! It’s a good job that they didn’t carry on like that in Britain in the days of Lloyd George. Apparently his office was ruddy well blathered in Copydex when he was the Prime minister. But that’s another story.
Auntie Doris’s Top Hit of 1998: “Strange Glue” by Catatonia. What a lovely voice that lass had. And she wore such nice, clean dresses too!