Aren’t little kiddies lovely? That Michael Jackson certainly thought so. But then again I always had a funny feeling about him. I don’t think he was quite as he seemed. To hear him talk, he had a nice attitude to kiddies. He thought that they were innocent, refreshing, open, honest, playful and generally a pleasure to be around. But you get the impression that he had some darker thoughts about them an’all. The filthy so and so. Besides. In general kiddies may be considered lovely. But there is always the exception that proves the rule. Every now and then you come across a vicious little bugger who would spit in your eye as soon as look at you and generally has no respect for their elders. Of course that’s not the natural state of kiddies. I blame the parents, pop music and ITV. If parents restricted kiddie’s access to pop music and ITV, then the world would be a much better place. I am convinced of it. If I was the prime minister I would invest heavily in the BBC and Easy Listening. In fact I will stick my neck out here and say that a Britain dominated by the BBC and Easy Listening would be admired around the world rather than being the laughing stock it is today. Any road. The kiddies in this picture come from an age before pop music, ITV, the BBC or Easy listening. They find their entertainment in nature and gentle play, smelling flowers, giving gifts, and generally being pleasant to one another. Of course, they are kiddies, and the world isn’t a paradise. gentle play, smelling flowers, giving gifts, and generally being pleasant to one another. Of course, they are kiddies, and the world isn’t a paradise. You can still see a bloke carrying a pikestaff or something in the background, walking towards a building which could easily be a prison tower. He is probably guarding some Michael Jackson type figure in there, both for his own safety and so that the kiddies can continue to play nicely without him disturbing them. In them days They wouldn’t have encouraged him by letting him release pop records and go on the ITV to play them to people. Ohh no. Although, in a chilling nod to the Peter Pan Prince of Pop, the little girl in the picture has a single white glove on her left hand. But perhaps I am reading too much into it. She might have just got some hot cakes out of the oven or something. Four things that you might do this week: (i) Do something nice for some kiddies. Buy them some sweets (sugar free of course). Make sure that their parents know what you are doing though. It’s a, crying shame, but people have some funny ideas these days and your intentions might be misinterpreted. I blame Pop music and ITV, myself. (ii) Listen to some easy listening. A bit of James Last or Klaus Wunderlich (the famous German cunnilinguist) or even Perry Como. You can’t go wrong. (iii) Take a tip from the kiddies and try and enjoy the simple pleasures of life. Go for a nature walk, pick some flowers, build a den, try and ride a bicycle whilst you are holding the front wheel a foot above the road surface. You will feel much better for it, Unless you fall off and smash your ruddy pelvis to smithereens. (iv) Bake some cakes. Cake mix is cheap nowadays, and you only need to add an egg and some flavouring. My favourite flavouring is Sherry!
Dear Francesca Unsworth,
I understand that you are going to start a new job as the director of the BBC World Service next week. Congratulations to you and ruddy good luck an’all. I am ever so glad that a woman has got the job. They have had too many blokes doing that sort of thing in the past. And as you and I both know, all men think about is themselves, football and women’s bosoms. Having someone with a mind full of stuff like that in charge of a serious international radio station is just asking for trouble, and I am surprised that the BBC World Service has lasted as long as it has with men in charge of it.
Mind you I could say the same thing about the human race, but when I come to think about it properly, I know that women have been in charge of human progress since the year dot, we just let the men think that they are. And as you know, it doesn’t take much to pull the wool over most blokes’ eyes.
Any road. You have to admit that the World Service has been going downhill for quite a while. Only recently I was reading some bloke spouting off in the ruddy Guardian about how the “English-language service has been replaced by a 24-hour diet of trivia and endless sport, with an almost total absence of expert analysis. The possibility that this pale shadow of what once was might be revived as a radio station worth listening to is, sadly, a pipedream.”
I know that he sounds like he has a ruddy plum stuck up his arse, but you have to admit that he has a point. Although I don’t agree with him that a rescue operation is a pipedream. I’m betting that with you in charge, things will turn out alright.
You will have a bit of a job on stopping the rot though, and that’s where I reckon that I can help you out a bit. I would be able to provide that “expert analysis” that him who wrote to the Guardian has his knickers in a twist about. I can give you two good reasons why my analysis of news and current affairs is better than that what Andrew Marr and his ilk come up with. One: I am a woman, and a woman who has been around the block a bit an’all. And two: I am dead, so I don’t have the same weaknesses and failings that living people have. You know the sort of thing; narrow-mindedness, openness to bribery and corruption, the tendency to court scandal, alcohol abuse etc. (Although as you know, there is nothing wrong with the occasional small sherry.)
I reckon that I could put together about half an hour’s comment and analysis every single night, and have people all over the globe tuning in to get straight, no nonsense information on all the important matters of the moment. If you want examples of how I can pick apart complex issues and create informative articles on a range of very serious topics, have a look at some of the articles that I have already written on my internet blog thing, which already attracts an international readership. Even someone from Norway had a look the other day. I saw it in my statistics!
I have scrutinised and written at length on the Suez Crisis, the assassination of President Kennedy, Thatcher’s Britain, austerity and a host of other topics as well as producing insightful articles on cultural matters, such as great works of art, and the use of fruity language.
I am also sure that if I were to work for the World Service, BBC publications would be very interested in coming to some sort of an agreement regarding bringing out my book, “The Auntie Doris Years – A Guide to the 20th Century” I am actually seeking a publisher for it at the moment. Perhaps you could also have a word with the people who do “A Book at Bedtime” about the serialisation rights.
I will look forward to hearing from you just as soon as you are settled in at Bush House.