Auntie Doris’s New Zodiac #9: Canis Minor – The Little Dog : Dec18 – Jan 16th

Canis MinorLittle Dogs are generally very cute and not threatening. In latter years I enjoyed having a little doggie as a companion. First I had my Hairy Mary. My hairy Mary was incapable of hurting anyone. she lasted until my ruddy useless Raymond went and trod on her, one morning when he got out of bed without putting his glasses on. After that, and after Raymond had passed over to the other side, I got my little Madamoiselle Tuppence. My Tuppence was soft.
Both little doggies were lovely ice breakers. People would come up in the street to stroke my Hairy Mary, or to give my Tuppence a friendly tickle. Arthur Knaggs the butcher would often slip my Tuppence a bone , and Thwaites the veterinary used to rub cream into her skin to keep her moist and supple.
Canis Minorians are renowned for being cute and cuddly. But they don’t all have the advantages in life that my little doggies had. I liked to pamper my Hairy Mary, and would spend hours on the settee stroking my tuppence. I always kept a few chocolate drops in my handbag too! for the times when they might have got a bit anxious. Some little doggies that are less well looked after can occasionally turn all of a sudden and give you a nasty nip.
That never happened to me, although my Raymond used to rub my Hairy Mary up the wrong way sometimes, and that never had a brilliant outcome.
Sometimes little dogs are known as lap dogs, and this is used as a kind of nickname for blokes who will follow their wives or partners around obediently, wherever they go. My Raymond wasn’t like that at all. He might have started out with the intention of following me around, but then I would have walked past a pub, and he couldn’t always manage to do that. I wouldn’t have wanted him to be a lap dog any road. It would have got on my nerves having him clinging to my heels all day long, when I just wanted a chin wag with the girls or something.
My advice to Canis Minorians: is to try not to keep things bottled up for the sake of seeming cute and cuddly. You will eventually blow, and the result will be worse than if you hadn’t kept it all in in the first place. Talk things through before you reach breaking point and do something that you might regret.
Famous Canis Minorians: Noel Edmonds: tries to be cute and cuddly, but never go in for a bungee jump in a crate that he has organised. something is always going to snap. Marylyn Mansion: tries to look cute with all that make up, but I have my suspicions about that one… Elvis Presley: just wanted to be your teddy bear, but grew into a chubby gun toting lunatic who faked his own death. Grandmaster Flash. No wonder they banned him from the world chess championships… The filthy so and so.

Auntie Doris’s New Zodiac #8: Perseus – The Slayer of Monsters : Nov 17 – Dec17

PerseusPerseusians are good people to have around. Let’s face it, nobody likes Monsters, and if we do have a monster problem, we are going to want to know who we can call up to get them slayed for us, don’t we? The good people of New York couldn’t have gone on indefinitely with King Kong climbing up their skyscrapers and swatting their biplanes out of the air, could they. Neither could the good people of Tokyo have managed for long with Godzilla breathing fire all over their model cardboard houses and eating their cars and stuff. They needed a Perseusian type monster destroyer. Of course most Perseusians these days hardly ever get anywhere near a real monster in the traditional sense. It has become a sort of a euphemism for “terrible thing” and “slaying” has come to simply mean “getting rid of” so nowadays, the man who comes to remove a wasps nest from the garden, the dentist who pulls out a bad tooth, the zookeeper who cleans out the elephants enclosure or the bloke who fills in the potholes in the road are all very likely to be born under the sign of Perseus. As I believe I have mentioned before. I often had to get rid of terrible things which my Raymond had left in the toilet, because they were too large and too solid to be disposed of by ordinary flushing. But with my trusty sword of a straightened wire coat hanger, and a kettleful of boiling water, I was more than equal to the task. I was never really sure about what to do with floating pieces of sweet corn though. The best thing was to try and cover them with toilet paper which would give them added weight and drag them down the next time you flushed. You had to be careful with that method though. If you weren’t careful you could end up blocking the ruddy bowl again with toilet paper, and if it overflowed you could end up with shite, sweetcorn and wet toilet paper all over the bathroom floor. I did that once and my Hairy Mary ended up blathered in it. I had to hold her in the bath whilst I combed it out of her hair. Any road, my advice to Perseusians is to make sure that people don’t take advantage. They can learn to unblock their own ruddy toilets. Otherwise, charge them the going rate and go into business. You have the ability to provide a service that people want. Use it for your own benefit. Famous Perseusians: Gary Lineker, almost destroyed the Germans in the 1990 World Cup, scoring a superb goal, even though he had a mouthful of crisps, but then it went to penalties… Dick Van Dyke: excellent chimney sweeper with a convincing English accent, inventor of Toot Sweets, and a qualified Doctor, able to rid the world of homicidal maniacs by diagnosing murder! Jimmy Hendrix, destroyed some monstrous guitars, that wouldn’t stay in tune, by setting fire to them, even though it burned his hands.