Auntie Doris’s New Zodiac #11: Hydra – The Many Headed Snake: Feb 18 – Mar 21

HydraThe problem with many headed snakes is that you can’t get rid of the buggers. You chop one of their heads off and two more grow in its place. So you are in a worse position than you were in the first place. The best way to get rid of one would be to drown it in a bucket of water, or several buckets of water, depending on how many heads it had. Of course, if it had more than two heads, you would need to enlist the help of a number of other people, and it would probably be best to tell them to bring their own buckets and fill them with water themselves. Well in advance of the battle. Why the Greek mythologises never thought of doing that, I don’t know. Maybe they didn’t have as many buckets in those days, I suppose that plastic hadn’t been invented yet. Still, if they had the capability to make swords, you would have thought that they would have been able to make some sort of a bucket out of metal. We used to have a zinc bucket in our house, it always came in handy if you were feeling sick, you could keep it next to the settee, so that you wouldn’t have to run through to the toilet all in a hurry. I think the bottom wore through somehow in the end though. I remember having to scrub the little bits of carrot out of the front room carpet when my Raymond had puked straight through it after his brother Johns funeral. He had had a few too many pints of Worthington E at the wake.
Any road, the thing about Hydrarians is that they are pretty much unstoppable once they get some idea in their head. They might not be successful in achieving their goals, but it’s pretty difficult to stop them rattling on about them, and they will start persuading other people to go along with them too. So even if you did manage to shut them up, there will always be plenty of other people only too willing to take up their cause.
Like ruddy Jehovah’s Witnesses. If they come spouting their stuff on your doorstep and you do manage to get them to give in, you can guarantee that they will be back next week with some ruddy elder from the Kingdom Hall putting in twice the effort to persuade you that it’s not a good idea to be a blood donor. If it wasn’t illegal, I would suggest that you kept a bucket of water near the door to drown them in whenever they called, but it’s safer to just ignore them I suppose, and don’t go reading them watchtowers. They put something in the ink that seeps in through your fingers and makes you open to suggestion.
Famous Hydrarians: Osama Bin Laden: Crackpot fundamentalist who gives Muslims a bad name. Nick Griffin: crackpot fundamentalist who gives English people a bad name, and reckons that all Muslims are like Osama Bin Laden ( He’s obviously never heard of Cat Stevens or Mohammed Ali, or David Bowie’s wife). Rupert Mudoch: who owns virtually every television station and newspaper in the world except for the BBC and the Yorkshire Evening Post. Doctor Seuss: he wasn’t even a proper doctor, and he thought that it was a good idea to let a talking cat look after little children.

Auntie Doris’s New Zodiac #10 Musca – The Fly : Jan 16 – February 17

muscaFlies are filthy, horrible creatures. One minute they will be sitting in a pile of shite, sucking it up through their telescopic snout things, and rubbing it into their hands and legs, and the next minute they will be regurgitating it whilst dancing around on your dinner, or that nice piece of cake that you were saving to have with a cup of tea later that afternoon. Filthy little so and sos. I don’t ruddy like them one little bit. Specially those ones with shiny blue arses or shiny green arses. Not only do they spread shite all over the house, they make a ruddy horrible racket whilst they are doing it an’all. And if you do manage to get one to shut up by giving it a good clout with a rolled up newspaper, it makes a mess all over the wallpaper, that looks like raspberry ripple ice cream but is a ruddy sight harder to clean off.
But before everyone who was born under the sign of Musca starts going doollalley at me, let me just say that Muscarians have none of the qualities which first spring to mind when you think about flies, and the fly like qualities that the do have are all good ones.
The first of these is the ability to think fast and get out of danger quickly, which is a ruddy valuable evolutionary trait if you are in a line of business where a massive rolled up newspaper is likely to come crashing down on your bonce at any moment. This could of course be either a physical or a verbal ability. Many Muscarians can talk their way out of the most difficult situation, but which is lucky because they couldn’t manage to fight their way out of a paper bag, and wouldn’t want to if there was a bit of brown sauce smeared on the inside of it.
Another thing That Muscarians are good at is looking at a situation from all different angles. Flies have compound eyes, which aren’t like ours, but look like little red pin cushions, and apparently give them a unique perspective on locating items such as slices of cake and dollops of shite from a vantage point anything up to seven feet above whilst moving at speed in an erratic flight path. Of course Muscarians can’t manage that, but they can empathise with other people’s points of view, and find unique ways of solving problems, finding cake, and avoiding treading in anything horrible when out for a walk in the park.
Famous Muscarians. Mohammed Ali: he could dodge a blow from a rolled up newspaper with his eyes closed, because he danced like a butterfly. Which is like a fly but with bigger wings and a longer body. He also stung like a bee, which is like a fly, but with a stripes jumper on, and a sting in its arse. Phil Collins, neckless popster, who makes an irritating noise, Baby Spice, has a bright green arse and a telescopic snout. Gary Barlow. Tax dodging popster who has no more right to his OBE than Leicester Piggott did.