Auntie Doris’s Great Works of Art #12: Michelangelo – The Creation of Adam, 1512

Michelangelo painted this on the ceiling of the Cistern Chapel which is somewhere in Italy. Have you ever painted a ceiling? I had a go when me and Raymond first moved into his mother’s place after the War. It didn’t half make my ruddy neck ache, and all I was doing was painting it white, not anything complicated like putting scenes from the bible all over it.
My Raymond thought that it might be easier to do the job if he tied the brush to the end of a snooker cue, so that he didn’t have to climb up a ladder to reach the ceiling, but then he ended up having to climb the ladder any road, every time he wanted to dip it into the paint pot.
I can’t imagine Michelangelo buggering about like that. But I bet his neck was ruddy well throbbing by the time he had finished his ceiling. Unless he was on strong pain killers. If he was, it might explain some of the weird things that he painted. Like in this picture, why is God sat in something that looks like somebody’s hollowed out innards, with his arm around a woman, and a dozen naked people including some that look like little kiddies? There’s one at the front, with curly hair who looks like he is nuzzling up to God very comfotably. And you can see his arse an all. In fact it looks like God is the only one in the picture who has got any clothes on at all.
And there’s Adam laid out like a Dogs dinner, showing all he’s got. Which isn’t very much by the looks of it. You wouldn’t march an army very far on rations of meat that size, and the vegetables are nothing to write home about either. Mind you, it’s cold in them Italian chapels, so maybe it’s all shrivelled up into his belly. That was usually my Raymond’s excuse any road, although I have to say I never noticed much difference even when we had all three bars on the electric fire.
When I looked at this picture properly, I was surprised that there wasn’t a little bit of electrical spark between God and Adam’s fingers. I think I have seen that “South Bank Show” thing on the television too much. Not that I used to watch it properly, I can’t abide that Melvyn Bragg. He sounds like he’s got something stuck up his nose, and a plumb up his arse an’all. Any road, at the beginning of that programme they used to show the hands out of this picture with a little spark passing between them. That sometimes happens on a dry day, particularly if you have been wearing a cardigan with nylon in the material. My Raymond had one of those, he used to rub a balloon up and down it, and then it would stick to him when he let go of it. He could also hold it over kiddie’s heads and make their hair stand on end. In every really understood what he got out of doing things like that though. And neither did their mothers.
Any road, if you reach out to touch someone in a nylon cardigan on a hot day, sometimes you can get a shock in your finger end, sometimes you actually see a flash, and sometimes it ruddy hurts.
I shouldn’t worry though, it there’s not much chance it would have have happened to God. For a start, Adam isn’t wearing a nylon cardigan. And even if it did somehow happen, one of those ruddy cherubs would have kissed his fingers better. You can tell that they are itching to perform such services for his Almightiness.

Auntie Doris’s Great Works of Art: Bonus Edition – Jeff Koons: Made in Heaven, 1989

imageMy good friend, the Puppetmaster, Peter Allen, suggested that I should write a piece about this work by Jeff Koons. To be honest, I thought that Peter had a bit more about him than to entertain filth like this, but then when I thought about it, I realised that he’s a man, and they are all filthy so and sos when it boils down to it. Even Harry H. Corbett was caught with his hand up the skirt of a female panda called Sue, and apparently, that bloke who did Basil Brush was a well known frotteur, which is probably why he spent half his life under the ruddy table.

Any Road, Jeff Koons was as filthy as they come. He was a good enough looking bloke though, and after he he made a fortune out of making balloon models out of stainless steel, there were probably hundreds of women queuing up to get him up the aisle. So what did he do? He chose an actress out of those phonographic films. She wasn’t just any old actress who was used to taking her clothes off though, this one was Ilona Staller, otherwise known as Cicciolina. She had been an Italian Member of Parliament, and had gone on the television and offered to have carnal relations with Saddam Hussein in exchange for him releasing some hostages.

Funnily enough, Saddam Hussein never got back to her, if it had been Lloyd George or Bill Clinton, they would have probably taken up her offer, apart from the fact that Lloyd George was dead and Bill Clinton wasn’t President at the time. Apparently, when he was President, he did look at the possibility of taking some hostages and getting in touch with Ilona, but it all fell through when he got that copydex on that lasses skirt.

Any road, when Jeff Koons married her, he wanted the world to know that he had married a proper phonographic woman, so he did an exhibition called “Made in Heaven” with hundreds of photographs and paintings and other nick nacks, depicting him and her having it off in all sorts of positions. He even had some glass ornaments made of them working their way through that Indian sex book, the Carnal Suitor.

Of course, there was a bit of a hoo ha when people saw what he had done. They said it was filthy. Of course, what a man and a woman get up to in the privacy of their own homes is nobody’s business but their own, but plastering it all over an art gallery for all and sundry to be looking at is another matter entirely. Elderly people, young children and vicars might have accidentally wandered in and seen it and been corrupted for the rest of their living days.

Any road, Ilona left him after a year and went back to Italy, where she continued trying to achieve world peace through stunts like offering to have carnal relations with Osama Bin Laden if he would promise behave his ruddy self in future. Koons went back to being an almost normal artist, making his stainless steel balloon sculptures and other ornaments including a delightful figurine of two Yorkshire terriers, which could almost be my Hairy Mary and my Tuppence