Auntie Doris’s All Things Must Pass #11: The Amazons

Amazon female warriors

Them Amazons. The historians would have us believe that they were one of the few societies in the whole of history where women were the top dogs. As far as I can see, that just goes to show how little the ruddy historians know. Not much, that’s for sure, and the reason for that is that most of them are men. I don’t care whether a man is a professor of ruddy history or a lavatory attendant, he might think that he is in charge and in a male dominated society, but when it gets down to the nitty gritty, he is a mile wide of the mark. Who makes all the important decisions? I mean the really important decisions; Where to go on holiday? What type of wallpaper for the front room? Blankets or duvet? Frequency of Carnal Relations? You can’t trust ruddy men to judge any of those questions correctly, so they don’t, and if they try it, women set them straight, every ruddy time.
The only difference with the Aztecs is that the men actually knew that the women were in charge. They weren’t having the wool pulled over their eyes, like the men are today. I’m not sure that that would have been a good thing or not. Its easier to keep men in their place when they think that they are in charge. Them Amazon women would have had to have been a bit more forceful.
Apparently, they were ruddy forceful an’all. And as tough as old boots into the bargain. They used to chop off one of their boobs so that it wouldn’t get in the way when they were firing their bows and arrows and spears and things.
The thing with strong women is that the blokes always fancy them, and they quite often have a funny way of showing it an’all. You can understand that in a way, because some said that after an Amazon woman had had carnal relations with a man (which they reckon she only did to keep the race going) she killed him and ate him. Which is the same as what she did with the baby if it was a little lad. I reckon that was a bit extreme, but it takes all kinds.
Anyway, the king of Argos fancied The Amazon Queen, Hyppolita, but he didn’t fancy risking his neck by having carnal relations with her, so he sent Hercules to pinch her knickers for him. Filthy ruddy so and so. He didn’t even have the courage to pinch them himself. But while Hercules was unpegging them from the washing line, he knocked over some milk bottles, Hippolita came out to see what all the fuss was about and in the chaos, she ended up getting stabbed through the ruddy heart. Maybe if she had had both of her boobs, they might have cushioned the blow a bit.
Any road, the King of Argos got his knickers, and personally I hope he choked on the ruddy things. These days, his descendents run the Argos shops where you can walk in and buy stuff straight out of the catalogue. The descendents of the Amazon women don’t have any shops, they just sell stuff on the internet. It’s a far cry from those days where they were all warrior women. They even have men working from them, and the lasses can keep both of their boobs. All things must pass.