Dear Francesca Unsworth,
I understand that you are going to start a new job as the director of the BBC World Service next week. Congratulations to you and ruddy good luck an’all. I am ever so glad that a woman has got the job. They have had too many blokes doing that sort of thing in the past. And as you and I both know, all men think about is themselves, football and women’s bosoms. Having someone with a mind full of stuff like that in charge of a serious international radio station is just asking for trouble, and I am surprised that the BBC World Service has lasted as long as it has with men in charge of it.
Mind you I could say the same thing about the human race, but when I come to think about it properly, I know that women have been in charge of human progress since the year dot, we just let the men think that they are. And as you know, it doesn’t take much to pull the wool over most blokes’ eyes.
Any road. You have to admit that the World Service has been going downhill for quite a while. Only recently I was reading some bloke spouting off in the ruddy Guardian about how the “English-language service has been replaced by a 24-hour diet of trivia and endless sport, with an almost total absence of expert analysis. The possibility that this pale shadow of what once was might be revived as a radio station worth listening to is, sadly, a pipedream.”
I know that he sounds like he has a ruddy plum stuck up his arse, but you have to admit that he has a point. Although I don’t agree with him that a rescue operation is a pipedream. I’m betting that with you in charge, things will turn out alright.
You will have a bit of a job on stopping the rot though, and that’s where I reckon that I can help you out a bit. I would be able to provide that “expert analysis” that him who wrote to the Guardian has his knickers in a twist about. I can give you two good reasons why my analysis of news and current affairs is better than that what Andrew Marr and his ilk come up with. One: I am a woman, and a woman who has been around the block a bit an’all. And two: I am dead, so I don’t have the same weaknesses and failings that living people have. You know the sort of thing; narrow-mindedness, openness to bribery and corruption, the tendency to court scandal, alcohol abuse etc. (Although as you know, there is nothing wrong with the occasional small sherry.)
I reckon that I could put together about half an hour’s comment and analysis every single night, and have people all over the globe tuning in to get straight, no nonsense information on all the important matters of the moment. If you want examples of how I can pick apart complex issues and create informative articles on a range of very serious topics, have a look at some of the articles that I have already written on my internet blog thing, which already attracts an international readership. Even someone from Norway had a look the other day. I saw it in my statistics!
I have scrutinised and written at length on the Suez Crisis, the assassination of President Kennedy, Thatcher’s Britain, austerity and a host of other topics as well as producing insightful articles on cultural matters, such as great works of art, and the use of fruity language.
I am also sure that if I were to work for the World Service, BBC publications would be very interested in coming to some sort of an agreement regarding bringing out my book, “The Auntie Doris Years – A Guide to the 20th Century” I am actually seeking a publisher for it at the moment. Perhaps you could also have a word with the people who do “A Book at Bedtime” about the serialisation rights.
I will look forward to hearing from you just as soon as you are settled in at Bush House.