Auntie Doris’s All Things Must Pass #1: The Beatles

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“All Things Must Pass” was the name of an LP that that George Harrison did after the Beatles split up. He was probably glad when they split up, because they never used to pay any attention to him any road. He had already tried to get them to put half the songs on “All Things Must Pass” on Beatles LPs but John Lennon, and that bloke who had been pretending to be Paul McCartney since the real Paul McCartney died in a plane crash wouldn’t let him. So he became a hippie and recorded his own ruddy album with Eric Clapton, Bob Dylan, Phil Collins, and a few other of his pop mates. He had a picture on the front where he was sitting with four garden gnomes, which he thought looked like the Beatles, probably because of all the Hippie drugs that he had been taking since all of them had been to Africa to see Yogi Bear.
Of course, being in the Beatles had affected all of the Fab Four in different ways, and the other two, George Best and Peter Sutcliffe. Neither of them was ever the same again. Like I said, Paul McCartney died in 1966, and John Lennon, gradually became a self styled Messiah who talked through his nose all the time. Ringo Starr became increasingly obsessed with the idea of steam trains with human faces, enormous eyes and Merseyside accents. No wonder the sessions for “Abbey Road” and “Let it Be” were absolute ruddy chaos and they all hated each other by the time they got around to doing that pop concert up on the roof with the Drifters.
George Harrison was always known as the quiet Beatle, and he probably was the first to know that the whole thing was going belly up. What with his spiritual insights and that he must have realised that you can’t be a pop star forever, never mind what ruddy Cliff Richards says. The Beatles probably hadn’t actually been proper pop stars since thay grew out them ruddy basin cuts and ditched the collarless suits. It was only a matter of time after that, they were basically just messing around doing half the tracks on their LPs backwards, wearing multi coloured trouser suits and not shaving properly.
And what happened after they did split up? All of them did one or two records that some people liked. The McCartney impersonator formed a group called “Those Clever Wings” and went on to design sanitary towels with them. Lennon made some ruddy weird LPs with his Chinese girlfriend, and the Ringo did the “Thomas the Tank Engine” voice on the television. They were yesterday’s men.
These days they are all but forgotten as new pop stars have risen to take their place. Bands like Union J, One Direction and Slipnot, or pop singers like Justin Bieber, Matt Cardle, and Bonio out of U2. Acts like these will all have their brief moments of glory and then fade into obscurity alongside acts like David Bowie and Placido Domingo. Ahh well. All things must pass.

Auntie Doris’s Great Works of Art #8: Joseph Henry Lynch – Tina, 1961

In the 60s and 70s, the people of Britain were generally much more interested in art than they are today. And there were two big names in Art, vying for pole position above the mantelpieces of the nation: Spain’s Bruno Amadio and Britain’s own JH Lynch. Some houses had pictures by both of them up on the walls, but in general, normal people had Lynch and weird people had Amadio.
Weird people liked Amadios paintings, because they featured children crying. There were lots of people who enjoyed seeing children cry in those days, partly because it was perfectly legal and acceptable to clout them around the ear holes, whether you were a parent, a teacher, a policeman, someone who felt that their property or rights had been violated, (such as a farmer who had caught some kiddies scrumping apples in his orchard), or even just someone who disliked children.
Of course there are other ways of making children cry, other than clouting, and many of these were explored by members of the disc jockey and light entertainment community, who probably all had paintings by Bruno Amadio on their walls, which they looked at whilst fiddling with themselves.
Amadio’s work became unpopular when firemen discovered that houses where the picture was hanging up were more likely to be burned down to the ground. This became known as “the curse of the crying boy,” although as far as I can see it is more likely to be the curse of the suspected child molester at the hands of outraged sun readers.
Any road, JH Lynch was an entirely different kettle of fish. No little kiddies for him, just sultry looking women with their bosoms on show. Pictures that ordinary blokes could fiddle with themselves in front of without their wives or people glancing in through the windows becoming concerned that they were sexual perverts or anything like that.
“Tina” was his most popular painting, you could buy it in Boots, Timothy Whites and all other leading major department stores. She was probably completely naked as well, but the picture only went down as far as the top of her bosoms. The way she was lolling against that tree with her lips slightly parted and her hair cascading down over her shoulders used to drive the men doolalley.
My Raymond’s brother Bernard had one in his living room. He said it was because he enjoyed looking at the mantelpiece whilst he was stoking the fire. I can’t think what he was ruddy on about because he had a three bar electric, but knowing him it was probably something rude. Filthy so and so.
Like Picasso with Dora Maar, Lynch, painted loads of different pictures of ‘Tina’ but unlike Picasso, there is no evidence to suggest that she was a real woman who he ever had anything to do with. Lynch retired from painting in the early 1980s, he had become incapable of holding a brush properly because of the thick hair which had begun to sprout from the palms of his hands.