Auntie Doris’s New Zodiac #10 Musca – The Fly : Jan 16 – February 17

muscaFlies are filthy, horrible creatures. One minute they will be sitting in a pile of shite, sucking it up through their telescopic snout things, and rubbing it into their hands and legs, and the next minute they will be regurgitating it whilst dancing around on your dinner, or that nice piece of cake that you were saving to have with a cup of tea later that afternoon. Filthy little so and sos. I don’t ruddy like them one little bit. Specially those ones with shiny blue arses or shiny green arses. Not only do they spread shite all over the house, they make a ruddy horrible racket whilst they are doing it an’all. And if you do manage to get one to shut up by giving it a good clout with a rolled up newspaper, it makes a mess all over the wallpaper, that looks like raspberry ripple ice cream but is a ruddy sight harder to clean off.
But before everyone who was born under the sign of Musca starts going doollalley at me, let me just say that Muscarians have none of the qualities which first spring to mind when you think about flies, and the fly like qualities that the do have are all good ones.
The first of these is the ability to think fast and get out of danger quickly, which is a ruddy valuable evolutionary trait if you are in a line of business where a massive rolled up newspaper is likely to come crashing down on your bonce at any moment. This could of course be either a physical or a verbal ability. Many Muscarians can talk their way out of the most difficult situation, but which is lucky because they couldn’t manage to fight their way out of a paper bag, and wouldn’t want to if there was a bit of brown sauce smeared on the inside of it.
Another thing That Muscarians are good at is looking at a situation from all different angles. Flies have compound eyes, which aren’t like ours, but look like little red pin cushions, and apparently give them a unique perspective on locating items such as slices of cake and dollops of shite from a vantage point anything up to seven feet above whilst moving at speed in an erratic flight path. Of course Muscarians can’t manage that, but they can empathise with other people’s points of view, and find unique ways of solving problems, finding cake, and avoiding treading in anything horrible when out for a walk in the park.
Famous Muscarians. Mohammed Ali: he could dodge a blow from a rolled up newspaper with his eyes closed, because he danced like a butterfly. Which is like a fly but with bigger wings and a longer body. He also stung like a bee, which is like a fly, but with a stripes jumper on, and a sting in its arse. Phil Collins, neckless popster, who makes an irritating noise, Baby Spice, has a bright green arse and a telescopic snout. Gary Barlow. Tax dodging popster who has no more right to his OBE than Leicester Piggott did.

Auntie Doris’s New Zodiac #9: Canis Minor – The Little Dog : Dec18 – Jan 16th

Canis MinorLittle Dogs are generally very cute and not threatening. In latter years I enjoyed having a little doggie as a companion. First I had my Hairy Mary. My hairy Mary was incapable of hurting anyone. she lasted until my ruddy useless Raymond went and trod on her, one morning when he got out of bed without putting his glasses on. After that, and after Raymond had passed over to the other side, I got my little Madamoiselle Tuppence. My Tuppence was soft.
Both little doggies were lovely ice breakers. People would come up in the street to stroke my Hairy Mary, or to give my Tuppence a friendly tickle. Arthur Knaggs the butcher would often slip my Tuppence a bone , and Thwaites the veterinary used to rub cream into her skin to keep her moist and supple.
Canis Minorians are renowned for being cute and cuddly. But they don’t all have the advantages in life that my little doggies had. I liked to pamper my Hairy Mary, and would spend hours on the settee stroking my tuppence. I always kept a few chocolate drops in my handbag too! for the times when they might have got a bit anxious. Some little doggies that are less well looked after can occasionally turn all of a sudden and give you a nasty nip.
That never happened to me, although my Raymond used to rub my Hairy Mary up the wrong way sometimes, and that never had a brilliant outcome.
Sometimes little dogs are known as lap dogs, and this is used as a kind of nickname for blokes who will follow their wives or partners around obediently, wherever they go. My Raymond wasn’t like that at all. He might have started out with the intention of following me around, but then I would have walked past a pub, and he couldn’t always manage to do that. I wouldn’t have wanted him to be a lap dog any road. It would have got on my nerves having him clinging to my heels all day long, when I just wanted a chin wag with the girls or something.
My advice to Canis Minorians: is to try not to keep things bottled up for the sake of seeming cute and cuddly. You will eventually blow, and the result will be worse than if you hadn’t kept it all in in the first place. Talk things through before you reach breaking point and do something that you might regret.
Famous Canis Minorians: Noel Edmonds: tries to be cute and cuddly, but never go in for a bungee jump in a crate that he has organised. something is always going to snap. Marylyn Mansion: tries to look cute with all that make up, but I have my suspicions about that one… Elvis Presley: just wanted to be your teddy bear, but grew into a chubby gun toting lunatic who faked his own death. Grandmaster Flash. No wonder they banned him from the world chess championships… The filthy so and so.