Auntie Doris’s Tarot Card of the Week #65 the Page of Cups: 25th January – 1st February 2015


They used to wrap fish and chips up in real newspapers. With old television and cinema listings and adverts and football results and allsorts on them. When I say old, I mean from a few weeks ago. Maybe a couple of months at most. But whenever me and Raymond had our fish and chips at Withernsea, we used to enjoy reading them. It was like looking back in time. Only a short way, but it felt good, while you were eating your chips. Then some ruddy jobsworth decided that there was something in the ink that might cause malignancy. So they had to buy blank newsprint rather than use unsold newspapers. So the price of your fish and chips went up a bit, and there was nothing to read while you ate them. Still… Those bits of paper that didn’t get fat all over them were good to give the kiddies something to draw on.
These days they use ruddy waxed paper cones which are printed to look like newspapers. Only there is no real news on them. Just some nonsense about how eating fish and chips is healthy. Of course it isn’t ruddy healthy. They wouldn’t taste so good if they were healthy. It isn’t about health. It’s about having a good time at the seaside.
It doesn’t look like the Page of cups has got any chips in his cone. And it’s not even done up like a newspaper. So he must have got it from some posh shop. Probably one of them Japanese Shushy shops, because it looks like the fish is still alive. That’s how the Japanese like to eat them apparently. I prefer mine with the heads chopped off to make sure that they are dead, filleted, and fried in batter. But it takes all kinds. My Raymond got a piece of Haddock from a fish and chip shop in Bridlington once. and it wasn’t cooked properly. It was all raw in the middle. The Japanese would have loved it, but you don’t get that many Japanese people in Bridlington, so the pigeons had it. We never went back to Bridlington after that. Which was a shame really because Edmundo Ros was on at the Spa the following year, and I would have liked to have seen him. I hope he didn’t try the fish and chips.
Still, they had a ventriloquist on at Withernsea with a dummy in a sailor suit. The ventriloquists lips moved all the time, but you didn’t notice if you looked at the dummy. He was funnier than Edmundo Ros would have been, and cheaper too. We bought an Edmundo Ros record from Woolworth’s with the money we saved. “Hair Goes Latin” they called it. My hair never did, but then I usually had my curlers in whenever I listened to it.
Four things that you might do this week. (i) treat yourself to some fish and chips. Unless you live in Bridlington. If you do, and you still want to treat yourself, I suggest you drive down to Withernsea. It’s only an hours drive down the B1242. Or you could try Hornsea, which is only half an hour the same way. Only I can’t speak for the quality of their fish and chips. (ii) If you are feeling adventurous, why not try some of that Japanese Shushy stuff. Apparently they do it in all the supermarkets now. They even kill the fish before they make it these days. Or you can get a vegetarian version where they have made artificial fish by whittling cucumbers or carrots or something. You wouldn’t get me eating stuff like that though. It’s unnatural. (iii) Listen to some Edmundo Ros. He used to do some lovely records of stuff in Latin. Not the language, the music. I think he was more Caribbean than Roman, but I could be wrong. It’s hard to tell these days. (iv) Get you hair done, or cut, or something. At a proper barbers. They need the money. There’s a recession on.

Auntie Doris’s Book Club #14: “Burial Rites” by Hannah Kent


If there’s one thing that everyone knows about Iceland it is that it’s ruddy freezing there. The clue is in the name. I can’t imagine anyone ever wanting to go for their holidays there, and if they did, reading this book would soon put them off. According to “Burial Rites” Iceland isn’t just ruddy freezing, but full of horrible people into the bargain. At least it was about 190 years ago, when the story takes place. I suppose that since those days they have had central heating fitted in most people’s houses, so they might be a bit more cheerful. Mind you, most of the people on the council estate near where I used to live had central heating, and it didn’t stop them getting drunk and arguing with each other in the street, being sick in each other’s gardens and occasionally murdering each other.

If I was you and I was planning to go on holiday to Iceland. I wouldn’t believe everything they put in the brochures. I would go on that Trip Advisor thing fist, and make sure that you went with a reputable firm.

Any road, there has certainly been some drunken arguing and being sick and murdering going on in Iceland in this story, which concerns a young lass who has been sentenced to be executed for stabbing her ex boyfriend to death. And they execute them by chopping off their heads with a ruddy axe out there. So if you do go out there for your holidays don’t think of stuffing any ruddy heroin up your arse, because there will probably be dire consequences.

The thing is, that there weren’t any proper prisons in those days, so they billeted the poor lass with local farming family (a bit like the Waltons – only more miserable) and she had to work for them whilst they sorted out the finer details of her grisly end.

They didn’t even lock her up. If she had tried running away she would have just frozen to death, so there was no point.

The vicar comes to visit her, and he takes a bit of a shine to her and you get to find out all the details of what she had done and why she did it, and by the end of the book you quite like her, although you wouldn’t want her anywhere near your cutlery drawer.

Apparently its a true story an’all. I won’t tell you what happens in the end, because I don’t want to spoil it for you, but If I was you I would have a hanky handy, and a bottle of sherry if you want to sleep any time soon after finishing it.

The lass who wrote it comes from Australia as well. Apparently she put in days and weeks and months of research in order to get all the details right about snow and ice and cold winds, it must have been really hard for her to imagine what it must be like to feel cold. Well done her I say! It’s a really good read, and I would recommend it to anyone.