Auntie Doris’s by Special Request.. Special Edition: Online Dating

dateEven though Ann was too late for a regular entry in Auntie Doris by Special Request, I understand that she may need a little advice from her old Auntie. You will have to bear with me though Ann. Earlier today our Michael bought me a bottle of Emva Cream and I appear to be down to the dregs, so if there are a few grammatical and spelling errors, then you just will have to put up with it.
Firstly, I have to say that I have no experience of online dating whatsoever. It’s hardly surprising, as it had hardly taken off when I died in 1995, and even before that, I was not really interested in meeting men in that way. All my equipment was on the blink, and I was generally too ruddy tired for any of that malarky.
Having said that, from what I understand, online dating is as good as any other means for finding someone who might make you feel special.
However, most places where men and women get together are riddled with filthy so and sos, whether they be line dancing classes, beetle drives or internet sites. The fact is, and I mean this Ann, so pay attention… The fact is… In fact the golden rule is, that all men have the potential to be filthy so and sos. This fact is so true, it is such a rock solid given, that it should be a foundation of each and every one of your dealings with men, even down to the old fellow who says hello to you whilst he is walking the dog past you on your route to the corner shop. So when you meet a man, either en route to the corner shop, or at the line dancing class, or on an internet dating site, don’t ask yourself whether or not he is a filthy so and so… Ask yourself whether or not he is the sort of filthy so and so who you could tolerate.
And even if the answer to that question is “Yes” there are still a number of things that you really ought to do before you actually meet up with him in real life, without the protection of two internet capable devices and a vast expanse of cyberspace between you.
Firstly: Tell someone what you are doing… So that they can give the detectives something to go on when they are trying to find out who used and abused your body before some early morning dog walker discovered it in the undergrowth. (Possibly that self same dog walker referred to earlier)
Secondly: Leave his details online somewhere where the digital forensic team can find it. Obviously by the time they are involved it won’t be of any use to you, but it may help the dozens of other poor lasses he has in his sights.
And thirdly: Slip a soup spoon into the waistband of your tights before you set off. You never know when it might come in handy. He might even invite you back to his place for soup and be short of cutlery.
Whatever you decide, Ann, have fun, and remember, you have your Auntie Doris’s best wishes…
I hope that answers your question, Ann.

Auntie Doris by Special Request #12: Ladies Bits

pants

Sharon Beard of Wombwell was very direct when suggesting a topic for this, the last of the current series of special requests. “Ladies Bits” was all she said in her facebook message. Well, that wasn’t very much to go on, so I asked her to elaborate further. “All the ones that cause ya problems ha ha” came the reply. If I hadn’t actually met Sharon, I would have thought that these messages must have come from an adolescent boy. But as it is, I do know her, and I also happen to know that she has been having trouble with her ladies bits, so maybe she was half out of her mind on pain killers when she sent those messages. Or maybe her recent troubles have made her a bit obsessive about ladies bits. Maybe she can’t keep her mind off them. A bit like an adolescent boy.
Well. Obviously, when I was alive, I was more prone to medical complications than I am now, particularly in the downstairs department where I was plagued by three ailments which caused me some real discomfort: Chapped lips, blocked tubes and a swollen parson’s nose. Do any of those sound familiar to you Sharon?
Chapped lips are a blight on all women, particularly those who wear skirts throughout the winter months. Commercial products such as Lipsyl and chap-sticks can be costly. Cheaper alternatives such as goose fat and stork margarine can be used to equally good effect and soon have you back to a more comfortable level of feminine moistness. What I will say though, is that prevention is better than a cure. Getting myself a trouser suit helped me no end, and I found that wearing tights underneath it provided an extra layer of insulation and helped to seal moisture in. Be warned though, some filthy so and sos found it a little too alluring, so if you are going for that particular combination, carry a soup spoon with you at all times.
Blocked tubes are much more of a problem. To avoid them be sure to remember the adage that, in the case of lady bits, what goes up doesn’t always come down quite as easily. Forget about Isaac Newton and his apple, think about our Madge and that cucumber. The Lord alone knows how she managed to break the end off, but it took some ruddy dislodging, make no mistake. In the end she had to crouch over a steam bath for three quarters of an hour until it got sort of puréed and came out of its own accord.
Finally a swollen parson’s nose can cause a lady acute discomforture. Gentle massage can assist, but if you overdo it you can make matters worse. I always used to ask Knaggs the butcher to get me beef dripping. That seemed to do the trick, at least for a while. It would go down for a few days, sometimes even a week or longer, then the swelling would start again. A quart or so of good British Sherry would ease the pain, not that Spanish muck though. That used to give me heartburn.
At the end of the day though Sharon, we ladies have to live with these things. Grin and bear it I always used to say. And thank the Good Lord you haven’t got men’s bits to contend with. Being attached to one of those can send you doolalley. Just look at my nephew Michael!