Auntie Doris’s New Years Revolutions #1 Stop Smoking Today!

Bag of trouble

I used to smoke forty a day. Without even trying! Players Number Six Tipped. Gorgeous they were. Just hit the spot, and got me moving in a morning (if you know what I mean). And they kept me regular an’all. They helped me with my nerves, helped me to concentrate, and they were good for my lungs too. At least that was the received wisdom at the time that I took them up. Everyone smoked in those days. My Raymond liked the Capstan full strength, but they were a bit too harsh on my throat, ‘cause he used to buy the untipped ones. But these days it seems its all the rage to go giving up smoking. Sticking ruddy plasters all over your arms, chewing gum like a ruddy American Soldier, or sucking on some ruddy thing that you have to plug into your computer to charge it up. What a load of nonsense. If you want to stop smoking, you want to stop smoking, not faff about with gimmicks and gadgets.

I stopped smoking on the day I died, and I haven’t touched a fag since. Not even when I have been manifesting myself through our Michael’s body. That’s eighteen years smoke free and counting. Of course, you might think that popping your clogs is a bit of a drastic measure. But it ruddy well worked for me.

My Uncle Godfrey went to see a Chinaman when he wanted to pack in the fags. The Chinaman laid him out on a table and stuck ruddy pins in him. He stuck them in his forehead, behind his ears, in his arms, in the crook of his elbows, behind his knees, all over the place. He finished off by sticking one in each of his ruddy nipples1 Right in the middle of each of them, on the little bumps. Apparently Uncle Godfrey never touched a fag from that day on, but he went back to see the Chinaman on a regular basis, and if you ask me, he got a lot more stuck into him than ruddy pins. Sometimes he even used to walk funny when he came out.

My sister Pearl tried to stop when her little Walter started asking her what she smoked for. She said it broke her heart, thinking of him growing up, getting hooked and wasting all his money on ciggies. She used to put the money that she would have spent on ciggies into a box on the mantelpiece, said she was saving up for something nice for the lad at Christmas. Then her George had his do with the Jam ladle, and she started smoking again. Little Walter got a chocolate smoking set in his stocking.

Auntie’s alternative revolution: Instead of giving up a pleasurable hobby, why don’t you just revolve to share the joy, and give a beggar or a tramp a ciggie every now and then? That way you can say that you are spreading a little happiness in the world as a side product of your filthy habit.

Auntie Doris’s New Years Revolutions #3 Eat as much as you want AND lose weight!


Photos Of NYC In 1966 (1)

Imagine that, sausage rolls, fish, chips and mushy peas with scraps, faggots done in their own juices, pickled eggs, a nice bit of tongue, black pudding, pease pudding, Yorkshire pudding, rice pudding, semolina, sago, tapioca, all that your heart desires. Imagine eating what you want, when you want, and never putting on so much as an ounce in weight. Well you ruddy can’t. Until after you pass over to the other side.

Since I have been dead, I have had it all. The full range of Mister Kipling’s cakes (with Mister Kipling himself.. In his front room, in front of a blazing fire with the clock ticking away nicely if you’d like to know), vol au vents, profiteroles, chocolate fudge cake the ruddy lot. And I haven’t gained an inch. This is due to the spiritual nature of life on the other side. Obviously, our Michael has put on a couple of stone. And its funny watching him trying to explain to his Mrs that it was me who pinched all the chocolate Hob Nobs (and drank all the sherry).

But I suppose that you are looking for some sort of short cut that doesn’t actually involve dying. The only way you are going to get any satisfaction is by altering the terms of the revolution slightly. How does “Eat as much as you want OR lose weight” sound? The secret is to make a decision, and then stop worrying about it. Give it a few weeks, and then if you are not entirely happy with your choice, change it for the other one. Give it a few more weeks, and if you are still not entirely convinced, switch back. It worked for ruddy Lena Zavaroni. Well, not entirely. I did say a few weeks, rather than a few hours. The thing is, during those few weeks, don’t dwell on it. Write a date on your calendar a few weeks ahead and don’t fret till then. That way you will be spending the majority of your life not fretting.

But do you really want to eat all that ruddy much? And do you really want to lose weight all that ruddy much? Who cares about Body Shape Fascism anyway? Does anyone even know what it is?

Auntie’s alternative revolution: Be happy in your own skin. Take a leaf out of Gloria Gaynor’s book and say “I am what I am!” and if you feel starving hungry or fit to burst, remember : “I will survive”