All the best for 2015! (New Years Revolutions)

new-years

Here we go again. The end of another ruddy year, where you are traditionally supposed to look backwards and forwards at the same time, remember the best and the worst of the past twelve months and look forward to the next twelve. Then you are supposed to make ruddy revolutions about what you are going to do differently in the future.
Well, to be honest with you, I thought 2014 was a lovely year. I know that my nephew pushed me a bit. But I wrote a cart load of memoirs, stories and little homilies, and hopefully gave a fair few people the benefit of my wisdom. I also made quite a few friends out of it. Internetty friends, but friends all the same, and people who write memoirs, stories and little homilies that I have enjoyed reading.
I had some good fun manifesting myself at a few different functions in 2014 as well, where I told people’s fortunes, pulled raffle tickets, and even met a pop star who has apparently played at the Albert Hall in London and starred in a film about himself that opened at Leicester Square in London. To be honest with you though. I don’t think these pop stars are all they are cracked up to be. He seemed a queer sort of a stick to me.
So.. My revolutions for 2015.
Number One: Stop trusting my nephew to do anything properly. Did you see what he did last Sunday? I had left him two tarot card articles to put out this week and next. The ruddy silly idiot only went and put them both out on the same day. What does he think it is? The Christmas edition of the Radio Times? That’s my week off up the Swanee.
Number Two: Get some of my stuff published. This will be hard, as I will have to depend on that nephew again, and sometimes I think that he is more bothered about his pop music and his ruddy poetry than he is about me.
And whilst we are on the subject of my nephew…
Number Three: Make sure that he cuts his ruddy toenails more often. I am sick and tired of manifesting myself in tights that he has laddered to high heaven with those razor sharp things growing out of the end of his feet. If I had a few snakes tattooed on my legs, kiddies could play a ruddy board game on my lower half.
And that’s about it really. It doesn’t do to be making too many of them revolutions. It only gets you down in the ruddy mouth when you don’t keep them. I wrote a few a articles about New Years Revolutions the other year, where I gave advice and help to those wanting to do things a bit differently in the future. They are available to read through my archive system along with loads of other old nonsense.
So I will love you and leave you, and hope that you have a lovely new year and achieve all that you wish for in 2015. Unless you wish for anything mean and nasty and violent of course. It’s alright that Walt Disney saying “When you wish upon a star your dreams come true” but who is to say that Hitler didn’t wish upon a ruddy star eh? No, the way I see it, you want to make sure that your dreams are reasonable and proportionate first, just like your New Years Revolutions should be. Otherwise you run the risk of ending up topping yourself in a coal bunker in the ruins of Berlin. Or some ruddy where.
Happy New Year!

Auntie Doris’s New Years Revolutions #2 Make Friends and Influence People!

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I have got more friends now that I am dead than I ever had when I was alive. This physical manifestation lark is great fun. I wish that I had got into it earlier. Never mind though, you are dead a ruddy long time, so I suppose that you can manifest yourself for a ruddy long time as well, as long as people are interested. I mean, I wouldn’t want to be one of those poor buggers who go around moaning, rattling their chains and walking through walls and stuff, with people having to ring up the vicar to come and get rid of you.

I like this Blogging lark as well. All I have to do is manifest myself through our Michaels fingers and he does the rest. Although why he has to wear tights while he does it, I don’t know. Then again, I don’t really care what he wears as long as he pours me a sherry before we get cracking.

So. You want to make friends and influence people, but you don’t want to die in order to do so, like I did. Well then, You could always learn yourself how to do the tarot cards. People always like having their fortunes told, and obviously whilst you are telling them, you can influence them all you fancy. It comes with the territory. I can teach you how to do the Tarot easy. Its a load of palaver anyway. Just read my guide to the Tarot on here every Sunday night and you will know how to do it backwards by this time next year… ish.

If you can’t wait that long, look back at the guide to the zodiac that I did earlier. Doing peoples horoscopes is equally alluring to potential friends and gives you just as much opportunity to influence them and meddle in their lives. It is also just as big a pile of horse shite as the tarot cards are. Same with teabag reading, feeling the lumps on people’s heads, or the crystal ball. You never thought there was any truth in any of it did you? Look at that Russell Grant or that Mystic Meg and tell me that they aren’t ridiculous twaddle mongers.

(If you are going to go in for the Crystal Ball though, make sure you have a good strong crystal ball bag. You don’t want to drop one of those on your laminate flooring. They shatter into a billion fragments and you can never walk around the house in bare feet again).

It’s all good fun, but do you really want to influence people that much?

Auntie’s alternative revolution: Why not settle for just making friends? Spend time with people, be nice, listen to what they have to say, and buy them a drink now and again. (I’m rather fond of sherry by the way).