Auntie Doris’s Book Club #15 “Hypnosis Magic – How to Hypnotize and Have Instant Complete Control Now” – by John Demarco.

Hypnosis magic

My nephew Michael and his ruddy kindles thing. The fact is that he will download any old ruddy tripe to read on it as long as its cheap, and he gets one of those email things every day from some firm that is either giving away books or selling them cheap, usually because they cant get shut of them any other way. Although what with them being e-books they don’t actually exist, so it isn’t as if they have a warehouse full of them and need the room. Not like those e-cigarettes, they actually exist. They haven’t invented a way of downloading ten Park Drive filter tips off the internet yet. They will.. its just a matter of time.

Any road, sometimes he uses my name when he gets the books, The Lord alone knows why. And that means that sometimes the Amazons people contact me for a book review. Which is what they did with this one. So, I thought that I had better read it and do a review for them. It didn’t take long, I had read it from beginning to end in less than half an hour, and I didn’t even have the right glasses on either.

It starts off with that old chestnut about hypnotizing chickens by drawing a line on the floor and then forcing their heads against it by holding them down by their necks. I remember using that on our Michael and his sister Pamela when I was baybysitting for them when they were little kiddies. I would draw a couple of lines on the carpet with chalk and hold them against them by their necks and after a while they would go still and quiet, leaving me free to watch Coronation Street in peace. (Them were the days that it was good – when they had Ena Sharples, Minnie Caldwell and Albert Tatlock, None of them fly by night types they have these days, jumping in and out of each other’s beds and shouting at each other all the time). I had to stop it though when April May and Cyril complained about the mess on the carpet. I blamed that on all the foreign muck they made them eat… Beef Risotto, Crispy Noodles.. its virtually child abuse feeding them with that.

Any road, this book then suggests that you go waltzing into the pub and pick on the bloke with the loudest mouth and talk to him about the weather before tugging on his arm and telling him to go to sleep. To be honest with you, don’t know whether this would work or not, but it sounds to me to be the right way to go about getting a black eye or a busted nose. maybe John Demarco regularly approaches men in pubs and asks them to sleep with him, but I would advise other men not to follow suit, unless they know exactly what they are letting themselves in for.

The rest of the book is about how you can help people to relax and let go of their fears and worries by talking to them with a soft voice in a dimly lit room. Although he does say at one point that if anybody really needs help you should “do the right thing and just offer assistance in finding a credible hypnotherapy specialist.” ie not one who has just downloaded a cheap e-book of a bargain email thing.

At the end of the book, you get to learn that John Demarco is not only a Hypnotism expert, but a “Dating Guru” who has written a book called “How To Get A Girlfriend Finally!” which reveals “The Naked Truth on Hooking Up Once And For All” Not that he is preying on sad and lonely people who dream of having Instant complete control over chickens and hooking up with girls. Not at all. He has helped literally dozens of well balanced people to part with small amounts of money with enticing titles such as “How To Get Her Back”, “How To Be Interesting At A Dinner Party” and “A Beginner’s Manual On How To Get  People To Do Stuff Instantly” Probably by holding them to the floor by their ruddy necks.

Funnily enough there doesn’t seem to be much advice for women in these books. They are the ones who Demarco wants his gullible readers to imagine having in their power. Well if he ever tried putting me under his influence, he would soon experience the business end of my soup spoon on his head.

And if any of you readers actually know my nephew Michael, you should treat him in a similar manner if he ever starts talking about the weather and tugging on your arm.

Auntie Doris’s Book Club #14: “Burial Rites” by Hannah Kent

Burial-Rites

If there’s one thing that everyone knows about Iceland it is that it’s ruddy freezing there. The clue is in the name. I can’t imagine anyone ever wanting to go for their holidays there, and if they did, reading this book would soon put them off. According to “Burial Rites” Iceland isn’t just ruddy freezing, but full of horrible people into the bargain. At least it was about 190 years ago, when the story takes place. I suppose that since those days they have had central heating fitted in most people’s houses, so they might be a bit more cheerful. Mind you, most of the people on the council estate near where I used to live had central heating, and it didn’t stop them getting drunk and arguing with each other in the street, being sick in each other’s gardens and occasionally murdering each other.

If I was you and I was planning to go on holiday to Iceland. I wouldn’t believe everything they put in the brochures. I would go on that Trip Advisor thing fist, and make sure that you went with a reputable firm.

Any road, there has certainly been some drunken arguing and being sick and murdering going on in Iceland in this story, which concerns a young lass who has been sentenced to be executed for stabbing her ex boyfriend to death. And they execute them by chopping off their heads with a ruddy axe out there. So if you do go out there for your holidays don’t think of stuffing any ruddy heroin up your arse, because there will probably be dire consequences.

The thing is, that there weren’t any proper prisons in those days, so they billeted the poor lass with local farming family (a bit like the Waltons – only more miserable) and she had to work for them whilst they sorted out the finer details of her grisly end.

They didn’t even lock her up. If she had tried running away she would have just frozen to death, so there was no point.

The vicar comes to visit her, and he takes a bit of a shine to her and you get to find out all the details of what she had done and why she did it, and by the end of the book you quite like her, although you wouldn’t want her anywhere near your cutlery drawer.

Apparently its a true story an’all. I won’t tell you what happens in the end, because I don’t want to spoil it for you, but If I was you I would have a hanky handy, and a bottle of sherry if you want to sleep any time soon after finishing it.

The lass who wrote it comes from Australia as well. Apparently she put in days and weeks and months of research in order to get all the details right about snow and ice and cold winds, it must have been really hard for her to imagine what it must be like to feel cold. Well done her I say! It’s a really good read, and I would recommend it to anyone.