The Auntie Doris Years: 1929

Al caponeThe Saint Valentines Day massacre happened in 1929. In them days, America was more or less ruled by gangsters, because throughout the 1920s they had made booze illegal. Imagine that! During the 1920s it was a crime to have a small sherry, or even a Baileys Irish Cream. Everyone knows that gangsters all love their mothers. Al Capone loved his mother so much that he used to smuggle drinks such as Sherry and Baileys Irish Cream into the country and have ‘speakeasys” –  secret clubs where his mother and her friends could have a drink and speak freely about important matters such as what gauge crochet needles make the best doilies.

Al had a problem though. His arch enemy, Bugs Moran, had found a source of inferior Irish Cream and was watering down sherry to sell in his own speakeasies. He was undercutting Capone’s prices, and attracting more of the nation’s elderly women by also offering exciting new foreign drinks, such as Advocaat and Cherry Brandy. It was the last Straw for Capone, when he found out that his own mother had been to one of Moran’s clubs, and had actually bought a copy of the ‘People’s Friend’ magazine there. (it later turned out that this was not a genuine copy of the People’s Friend, but a crude attempt at copying the publication, produced in a printing works just outside of Detroit.) Capone was so annoyed that he bought a couple of Tommy Guns, and ilured Moran and Six of his gangster friends into a Garage on Valentines Day, and had them shot dead. In cold blood an’all, the ruthless so and so!

Luckily for Bugs Moran, he wasn’t actually there. Capone thought that he was shooting him dead in cold blood, but he was actually shooting Frankie O’Toole, who looked a lot like Bugs, but had a moustache, and walked with a limp. Bugs thanked his lucky stars and went on to have the people who did the Massacre murdered in cold blood. He always left a Valentines card at the scene of the crime an’all. Just so they would know who had done it. He never got Capone although he did accidentally have another gangster Shark Finnigan shot down in cold blood and left with a Valentines card over his heart. Finnigan looked a lot like Al Capone, but had a much bigger nose and a prosthetic arm.

Auntie Doris’s Pop Pick of 1929: ” Happy Days Are Here Again”, by Leo Reisman and his Orchestra. Happy Days didn’t officially return to America until 1933, when the Prohibition era ended, and once again, normal people like you nad me could enjoy a small sherry without listening for the wail of police car sirens. Between 1974 and 1984 actor Henry Winkler celebrated this fact by being completely off his face on Sherry throughout all 255 episodes of the situation comedy “Happy Days”. Bless him.

The Auntie Doris Years: 1928

Alexander-Fleming-penicillin-631That Alexander Fleming was a filthy so and so. I always imagined that all scientists employed a cleaning lady to see to their laboratories. I think Alexander Fleming must have sacked his cleaning lady because she rubbed out some important equations he had been doing on his blackboard or something. Scientist’s cleaning ladies were always doing that. My Mother was a cleaning lady, at the local nonconformist chapel. There weren’t any blackboards full of equations there, although she did once knock the numbers out of the hymn board and put them back all muddled up. That Sunday the Congregation tried to sing “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing” whilst the organist played “Go, Tell it on the Mountain.” The organist then tried to change to what the congregation was singing at the exact same moment that half the congregation tried to sing what the organist had been playing. It was complete chaos. Nobody knew whether they were coming or going. But by all accounts, Alexander Fleming’s Laboratory was a complete ruddy tip. Worse than our John’s house. There were petri dishes full of staphylococci and streptococci, and goodness knows what, all piled on top of each other at great risk of cross contamination. There were open parcels of cheese and jam sandwiches that his Sarah had made him, and he had said he had eaten, only he hadn’t at all. Unbeknown to her he usually went down to the Crown and Anchor and had a pork pie and pickled onions. There were ancient cold cups of tea, and discarded underwear (after the notorious laboratory Christmas party of 1927) and there were mouse droppings, and cobwebs and all sorts. It stank to high heaven. And in the midst of all that Chaos, he goes and discovers penicillin. Apparently, one day the pub was closed whilst they laid new sawdust in the smoke room, and he ate one of those old cheese and jam sandwiches in desperation. Later that afternoon, he noticed that a terrible red

sore he had had on the end of his todger had all but completely healed up. So he did a few calculations on his blackboard, and discovered that the mould on the jam in the sandwiches was in fact penicillin. So another fabulous invention of the 1920s turned out to be the work of a Scotsman. First Laird Bogie with his television, and then Fleming with his penicillin. You have to hand it to the Scots, they are not short in the brains department. No wonder they want to be independent of us ruddy English who keep voting the Tories in. Auntie Doris’s pop Pick of 1928: “Nagasaki” By Nat Shilkret and the Victor Orchestra. It’s a ruddy shame the Americans had to go and drop an atom bomb on a place where all that happens is the fellas chew tobaccy and the women wicky wacky woo. But that’s American foreign policy all over isn’t it.