Well.. one of us has got themselves in the family way, and its not me, I’ll tell you that for nothing. So if its not exactly you, its someone close to you. And if you don’t know anyone close to you that’s in the family way, then they haven’t told you yet, probably because it was more than likely unplanned. Any road, you had better get those knitting patterns for bonnets and bootees out and get ruddy well cracking.
How do I know? well its simple when you know your cards. Four strong staffs, bursting with goodness, standing vertical. Someone has had the idea that if you do it standing up, you cant possibly conceive. Obviously that’s a load of old nonsense. Have you seen the length of those things? They are like them ruddy exocet rissoles. They can accurately place the gravy within a fraction of a millimetre of an egg whether the parties concerned are horizontal, vertical diagonal, inverted, animal, vegetable, or mineral. (although I’m not sure that you can get mineral eggs, but you could try boiling them in mineral water – whatever that is, when its all at home) The standing up method of birth control may work with men of a certain age who haven’t got the stamina to remain in the upright position for very long and do not scatter their seed with quite the same gusto as the young men in the parables, but I wouldn’t risk it, even with my Raymond, and sometimes he couldn’t even hit a dinnerplate with his gravy, especially after a Sunday morning Session at the Rose and Crown. Many’s the time I had to put the tablecloth on a boil wash.
Any road, just because its unexpected, doesn’t mean that it isn’t a cause for celebration. There’s the happy couple in the background, waving their pom-poms about. Of course, sometimes the ruddy bloke makes himself scarce as soon as there is a whiff of nappy in the air. Like My sister Pearl’s chap, American soldier he was stationed round here during the war. Took her for a magical weekend in Blackpool, but as soon as he realised she was expecting he had scuttled off back to Cincinnati, probably before his wand was properly dry. Pearl was left to look after Little Walter, although my mother pretended that he was hers, so nobody found out, but they had their suspicion when Pearl married Uncle George and “adopted” him.
Four things that you might do this week. (i) Invest in some protection. There’s allsorts you can get nowadays for both men and women. Even things made out of goats bladders for people who are allergic to rubber. Although If my Raymomd had ever come at me with a goat’s innards wrapped around his thing I would have hit him on the end of it with a spoon quick sticks. I’ll tell you that for nothing. (ii) Invest in some knitting needles and some pink or blue wool. You can easily determine the sex of an unborn child by putting your keys on a shoelace and twizzling them over the woman’s belly. If they go clockwise its a boy, anti clockwise its a girl. Unless you live in the Southern Hemisphere, where its the other way on, like most things are in that part of the world. (iii) Invest in a decent gravy boat to increase the chances of hitting the plate rather than the tablecloth. But why ever anyone would want gravy on their eggs, The Lord alone knows. Save it for Sunday dinner. which is a good rule of thumb for many things in life. (iv) Invest in a plastic tablecloth, they do all sorts of designs these days, and they just wipe clean, which is better for the environment than adding to global warning with boil washes. Get some plastic mattress protectors while you are at it. I think that they also make mattress protectors out of goats bladders. The filthy so and sos.